Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 13

Last Weight: 118.0

Todays Weight: 116.8

Difference: -1.2 lbs

Last Goal: 116.5

Goal Met? No

New Goal: 115.4 by 8/6

     Almost made my goal. I was down to 115.4 but I went on vacation with my boyfriend and gained a little back. This week I know I can get it off again though.

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 12

Last Weight: 117.8

Todays Weight: 118.0

Difference: +0.2

Last Goal: 116.6

Goal Met? No

New Goal: 116.5 by 7/30

     I am a fatty fat fat fuck. ugh. I'm so mad. I've managed to lose and gained a matter of 2.5lbs in a week and now I'm right back to where I was. Fuck my life. I need to stop binging. I'm sticking with 800 calories per week and also going to exercise. I need to lose 1.5 lbs a week to reach my goal.

Weightloss Rewards

     These are my personal weightloss goals and the rewards that I am going to give myself when I reach these goals. I think that giving yourself rewards make you more motivated to get something done.

115 lbs - meet goal by August 1st - Manicure on August 2nd
110 lbs - meet goal by August 29th - Buy new heels!!
108 lbs - meet goal by September 10th - Shopping spree at favorite thrift store!

After September 10th I'll be revamping my entire eating and exercise plan to get under 100lbs for 2015.

7/15 Intake

Breakfast:

Coffee - 2

Morning Snack:

Coffee - 2

Yogurt - 100

Lunch:

Pita - 80

Lightlife "turkey" -25

Mustard - 0

Fruit Cup - 40

Afternoon Snack:

Baby Carrot - 35

Pasta Salad - 150

Cheese - 40

Dinner:

Cheese - 23

Zucchini - 21

Salmon Burger - 110

Lettuce - 10

Frozen Veggies - 60

Wasabi - 10

Ice Cream - 130

Chocolate Sauce - 25

Total: 888

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 11

Last Weight: 118.0

Todays Weight: 117.8

Difference: -0.2

Last Goal: 117.0

Goal Met? No

New Goal: 116.6 by 7/23

     Ok so I didn't meet my goal, but at least I'm losing weight again! If I want to reach my goal of 108lbs by September 10th, then I have to be losing 1.2lbs per week. So I'm upping the anti. I'm eating 900 calories this week and probably going down to 800 next week. If I don't meet my goals, then that means punishment in some form. And when I meet my goal weights, I will be rewarded! I can't wait to be skinny for school, especially because I'm seeing A Day to Remember with my best friends the week we go back! Yay!

 

7/14 Intake

Breakfast:

Coffee - 1

Morning Snack:

Coffee - 2

Yogurt - 100

Lunch:

Pita - 80

Lightlife "turkey" - 50

Mustard - 0

Fruit Cup - 40

Afternoon Snack:

Baby Carrot - 35

Potato Salad - 107

Dinner:

Seafood Salad - 113

Carrots - 60

Ketchup - 15

Corn - 150

Veggie Burger - 110

Lettuce - 10

Total: 873

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 10

Last Weight: 117.8

Todays Weight: 118

Difference: +0.2

Last Goal: 116.8

Goal Met? No

New Goal: 117.0 by 7/16

     Blah. Yuck. I thought I'd gain more this week after all the shit I've been eating. Since I finish my antibiotics off Saturday, I'm going to start restricting again. Honestly, I'm excited. I miss the hungry feeling. Also, even though I did gain weight, I can tell that I have more muscle. Especially in my arms. They were so weak and now I'm starting to get some definition. So yeah. I've changed my calorie intake goal to 1086 on MFP and it says I should lose 1.1lbs a week on that. I'm just hoping for 1lb a week! I'm going to try to stick to it as much as possible!

7/7 Intake

Breakfast:

Egg - 70

English Muffin - 110

Ketchup - 15

Cheese - 79

Morning Snack:

Yogurt - 100

Lunch: 

Fruit Cup - 40

Lettuce - 4

Pita Bread - 60

Seafood Salad - 102

Afternoon Snack: 

Carrots - 35

Trail Mix - 130

Ice Cream Bar - 180

Chips - 160

Dinner:

Seafood Baked Thing - 441

Wine - 192

Total: 1718

And then Satan said "Let there be calories in alcohol"

     Ugh I would have been totally fine if I hadn't of eaten so many snacks at work. My boss bought ice cream and we still had a bunch of leftover stuff from the cookout. Then I thought I'd just have something small for dinner, but Romeo took me out to a fancy restaurant, and I was kinda drunk. Fuck. I'm going out AGAIN tonight. For sushi. I'm leaving 600 whole fucking calories for tonight's dinner because I am not repeating yesterday.

Weekend of Eating Too Much

     I hate holidays because they always revolve around food. Especially ones like the Fourth of July where it's all cookouts and booze. Ugh.
     Thursday, I ate way too much at my work's cookout. All junk food too. Mostly cookies. So then I decided I wasn't going to eat dinner. But I wanted to get ridiculously drunk. So Romeo bought me a bottle of Bacardi and me, him, and my best friend went to the carnival and drank and went on rides. Then we went to McDonald's and I was trashed and thought french fries sounded like a great idea. Then we were going to a party and some kids tried to jump us but ... we were in a car... and they were on foot... Romeo pulled a knife on them. So what do they do? Throw a bottle of Hennessy into our car. So I drank that too. I was pretty wasted.
     Friday I was like "I'm not gunna eat" but then I took my antibiotics on an empty stomach and I was in horrible pain for 2 hours. I decided too take my best friend out to lunch and got a 1860 calorie meal. Ew. It was pouring rain all day so most festivities were canceled. I had made plans to stay at Romeo's. I wasn't going to eat the rest of the day but we ended up getting pizza at like 9:30 PM. And I had the rest of the Bacardi. And beer.
     Saturday I wasn't going to eat a lot because I had planned on going to R's. However, he broke his fucking phone and I couldn't get a hold of him until later in the day, where he pushed our plans back by 3 hours. I stayed home and just ate food all day with my mom. She made tuna and pasta salad. So. Much. Mayonnaise. Then I finally drove to see R. But guess what. We ended up at Burger King later that night, where I stuffed my face.
     In the morning (by morning I mean noon) he took me out for breakfast and it was so delicious and cute that I didn't care about the calories. I didn't eat again until dinner, but then I totally binged on everything in my house. Ew.
     This upcoming Saturday is my last day on antibiotics. After that I'm going to start restricting again. I miss the hungry feeling.

Six Months

     Today marks six months self-harm free for me. I'm really proud of myself. It's been really hard. I had reached 1 year self-harm free back in November, which was the first time I had ever gone that long without self-harming. However, I relapsed in December.
     There are a lot of things that help to keep me from self-harming. I always think about how the scars will look on my body and how I don't want any more. I've gotten better at opening up and talking to people. I started saying little quotes to myself. For example, when R broke up with me I was extremely depressed. I thought the feeling would never end. But, I knew that it would eventually. I kept telling myself "this too shall pass." It helped me to remember that I wouldn't be sad forever.
     If you struggle with self-harm, just know that there is hope for recovery.

7/2 Intake

Breakfast:

Egg - 70

English Muffin - 110

Ketchup - 15

Morning Snack:

Greek Yogurt - 100

Lunch:

Cheese - 70

Tofurky - 40

Lettuce - 4

Fruit Cup - 40

Hummus - 35

Flat bread - 100

Afternoon Snack:

Carrots - 35

Trail Mix - 130

Cookie - 185

Dinner:

Salad - 20

Lentil Soup - 240

Peas - 24

Total: 1218

If every day were like today you'd weigh 111.9lbs in 5 weeks

     Not bad today. I'm very pleased with the outcome. I did eat extra snacks at work today, because my boss bought them for our cookout tomorrow. I didn't have my flat bread in there originally because I forgot to add it to MFP. I was excited on how low I was and indulged. I still ended up right around my target of 1200 calories. There's a cookout at work tomorrow for the fourth of July and I'm nervous about it. My boss got so many cookies and chips. I'm eating a light breakfast and not bringing any food to work. I'm going to allow myself 500-600 calories at the cookout so that I can eat some of the yummy stuff!

July 2014 Pictures

So yeah. This is what I look like. It's disgusting I know. I compared these pictures to the ones I took last July and I look a lot better than I did last summer. I'm still hoping to improve. I want to lose 3lbs this month, so that I can be underweight again. I also want to get more toned. I want to be able to see my abs more and have less chubby legs. I'm trying really hard to stick to my plan for this month and then hopefully I will upload progress pictures showing a change.

7/1 Intake (Binge Included)

Breakfast:

Flour Tortilla - 190

Black Beans - 72

Corn - 60

Egg - 70

Salsa - 30

Morning Snack:

Chobani Greek Yogurt - 100

Lunch:

Flatbread - 100

Hommus - 70

Fruit Cup - 40

Lettuce - 4

Tofurky - 40

Cheese - 70

Afternoon Snack:

Baby Carrots - 35

Dinner:

Swordfish - 219

Corn - 80

Nectarine - 63

Pre Binge Total: 1243

Binge:

Cucumber - 23

Hummus - 140

Salsa - 45

Chips - 140

Oatmeal Cream Pie - 310

Corn - 120

Hot Dog Bun - 130

Mayo - 35

Nutty Bar - 310

Granola Bar - 160

Binge Total: 1413

Post Binge Total: 2656

     Yeah I fucking binged yesterday. I was laying in bed telling myself not to eat and then I was just like "fuck it I'll have just some veggies" and then that turned into 1413 calories of absolute shit. 58 grams of fat in that binge. Ugh. I'm so bad with eating at night. I just get bored and there's nothing else to do. My plan today is to go out so that I don't get too bored. I might go buy some things at the mall. Then by the time I get back and do my normal routine (cleaning, blogging, etc.) it will be late enough to go to bed and I can avoid the nightly temptation. Then if I can get used to not eating at night, I won't even want to!

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 9

Last Weight: 117.6

Todays Weight: 117.8

Difference: +0.2

Last Goal: 115.6

Goal Met? No

New Goal: 116.8 by 7/9

     Pretty much the same since last week. I blame the drugs I was on for making me gain weight. Now it's time to get it off. Even though I'm not restricting too much, MFP says that I should still lose 0.9lbs a week while eating 1200 calories a day. I'm also exercising so that definitely helps. My weight was a pound more yesterday and I think the jog I went for really helped to get it off. Also, I'm sorry I didn't get to posting pictures yesterday. My camera battery died and it takes forever to charge. I will 100% do them today though.

Weekly Goals

     Kicking my butt into gear for July! I weighed in today verrryyy high and I'm really sad about it. I'm seeing R this weekend so I'm gunna go hard this week.
 Today:
- Take "before" pics and post them
- Don't eat after dinner
- Run at least 1 mile
Wednesday:
- Cut calories at breakfast
- 2 sets of leg workout
- morning cardio
Thursday:
- Run at least 1 mile
- Morning cardio
Friday:
- 3 sets arm workout
- morning cardio
- conserve calories for alcohol
Saturday: 
- run 1 mile in the morning
- crunches, pushups, squats before seeing R
- eat light before going
Sunday:
- rest day
- if get home early, take a walk at night
     It's going to be hard, because I've been binging so much. I've gotten into the habit of plopping in front of the TV and watching Law & Order while eating until I want to vomit. R is my motivation this week. I keep saying little reminders in my head. I also keep telling myself that if I work hard now, it'll be easier down the road. Like, if I stick to this weeks workouts then next weeks will feel easier. Anyways, I'm taking "before" pics before I go for my run later and I'll try to get them up tonight!

Plan for July

     Seeing as it's the last day of June, I thought that I'd post my diet / fitness plan for July. I'm trying to keep it as healthy as possible, which is difficult for me, but I know it will make me feel better overall.
     Diet Plan: I'm planning on starting the month eating 1200 calories a day. I need to be eating a healthy amount while I'm still recovering from Lyme Disease. If I'm not losing weight, then I will decrease my intake after I'm off antibiotics. I'm going to eat 3 meals a day and two snacks. Every meal will be planned. I'm also trying to incorporate more protein into my diet.
     Fitness Plan: I want to be working out 6 days a week. This is my main focus for the month. Since I'm going to be eating more than usual, I want to take this chance to work on building my muscles up. Monday is ab day. Tuesday is cardio. Wednesday is leg day. Thursday is cardio. Friday is arm day. Saturday is cardio. Sunday is rest day. The exercises I have planned are mostly beginner exercises. I'm really excited to start getting fit instead of skinny.
     I know it's going to be really hard.  I keep reminding myself that I need to eat and exercise in order to be happy and healthy. All I've wanted to do lately is purge, but I can't throw up my antibiotics. Planning my meals ahead really helps with not binging. I'm still having trouble with my night time emotional eating. I'm making sure I don't do that the entire July though. I'm excited.

Glasses and Doctors

     As I mentioned in yesterday's post I had to go back to the GP for a review of how I'm doing with Lyme disease and Bell's Palsy. Basically, nothing has changed. They told me that it's going to take a few more weeks at least for me to look normal again. My GP said that as long as I'm not getting any worse, then they're not worried about me. I come off Prednisone on Sunday, but I still have 2 more weeks of anti-biotics to take.
     Also, I got glasses yesterday! I still don't know how I feel about them. I'll post a pic maybe when my face is less crooked. It's amazing though. I didn't realize how poor my eyesight was until I put them on. Everything was so crisp! I don't need to wear them all the time, because I only need them for distance, so I don't have to wear them at work, which is nice. I'm just really happy to be able to see!!

Baby Steps I Guess?

     Yesterday wasn't all that bad. I mean I binged... but it happens. Sigh. I'm working on it. I totaled at about 1484 calories. It was 867 before my binge. That's a 617 calorie binge. Gross. I mean 1/3 of it was alcohol. Woops. I went out with Romeo last night and decided I wanted to drink the whiskey I had in my purse for the past 2 weeks. And then I had a glass of Chardonnay (and he had the rest of the bottle). I was a little tipsy and when I got home I went straight for the fridge. I just shoved my face full of bread and cheese.
     But there is a positive side!! I ate healthy the rest of the day. Egg whites for breakfast. Greek yogurt for snack. Flat bread tofurkey sandwich and fruit for lunch. Baby carrots for snack. A veggie burger and veggies for dinner. I love making my own food. I think it's part of my control issues. I also exercised yesterday. I did a short morning workout and then 2 sets of my leg workout. I am sore today!! But it feels really good.
     I'm also in a really good mood today. Starting my day with a meal and a workout really makes a difference. I also want to start adding in a little bit of yoga to my daily routine. Hanging out with Romeo also helped me feel better. He's been really nice with the whole "my face is fucked up looking" thing.
     I'm going back to see my GP today so they can monitor my Lyme and Bell's recovery. My dad wants me to get an MRI and see a neurologist, but I really don't want to. I'd like to stay as far away from the hospital as possible. If my GP wants me to see a specialist then I will, but I don't think there's really much they can do for me.

Goals for the Week

     Instead of doing a weigh-in today, I'm just going to make a list of goals for the week. I don't want to look at my weight because I need to be worrying about my health more than how I look. Also, the drugs I'm on for my Bell's Palsy are making me very emotional and I don't need anymore stress. So, goals for the week so that I can weigh-in next week!

• Eat balanced. I don't want to restrict while I'm still trying to beat Lyme disease. So I want to eat healthy and balanced. 3 meals a day and 2 snacks, roughly around 1200 calories. I usually do really well until night time. Then I get bored and stressed out. I need to find other things to do at night!!
• Back to Exercise! I'm starting my exercise routine back up again. I'm limiting running though because it bothers my eye. I'm going to start my weight lifting back up though now that I'm starting to get more energy.
• Earlier mornings! I've actually been doing pretty well with waking up earlier. A little exercise in the morning definitely helps and so does playing with my cat. 
• More positive thinking. I'm thinking about printing out some positive quotes and hanging them up or putting little notes places to try to help myself be more positive. I haven't been in therapy in 2 months and it's getting hard, but with only 2 months left of summer, I don't want to bother.

     That's it for now. I'm trying to get healthy again and get my energy back still. I stop the Prednisone the end of this week, so hopefully my mood will improve after that!!

Hospital, Ticks, and Bell's

     Well I guess on the plus side, I don't have TMJ. I have Lyme disease.
     After visiting the doctor and the dentist, they both confirmed that I had TMJ and that there was nothing to do until the pain went away. Then, last Saturday I go out of the shower and saw that a bite, that I assumed was from a mosquito, had a red ring around it. I knew that that was a sign of Lyme disease. So off the the ER I went.
     I fucking hate hospitals and the doctor I had was a huge prick. He was jabbing at my leg, where the bite is, with needles and it fucking hurt so bad. He was like "I don't think you really have Lyme." They took a blood test and sent me on my way. Still in pain in my jaw.
     Monday I woke up and went to wash my face. Soap got into my right eye. I couldn't close it. I looked in the mirror and realized that half my face was paralyzed. I went back to the doctor's on Wednesday. Right before I went, the hospital called me and told me that I did in fact have Lyme disease. I saw my GP and they told me that I had Bell's Palsy, which was caused by the Lyme disease. For those of you who don't know, Bell's Palsy is the paralyzation of one side of the face caused by nerve damage. My GP said that it could go away in a couple of weeks, but may also take up to six months! I was put on a course of steroids (Prednisone) as well as antibiotics for the Lyme disease.
     I have been so depressed by this. My face is so awful looking. I'm constantly hungry and moody because of the steroids. I don't know how long this is going to last, but I hope it goes away soon.
     My dad is also pissed because I was misdiagnosed and if they had asked if I had a tick bite the first time I went to the doctors, then they might have been able to prevent my face from becoming paralyzed.
     I haven't been to work in a week and a half. I have to go to the eye doctor tomorrow and then back to the GP Thursday. I'm going back to work on Tuesday, so I'll try to update more.
    Also, one more thing, FUCK HOSPITALS. I literally had a panic attack in the ER because I feel like I live in a doctor's office.