Six Months

     Today marks six months self-harm free for me. I'm really proud of myself. It's been really hard. I had reached 1 year self-harm free back in November, which was the first time I had ever gone that long without self-harming. However, I relapsed in December.
     There are a lot of things that help to keep me from self-harming. I always think about how the scars will look on my body and how I don't want any more. I've gotten better at opening up and talking to people. I started saying little quotes to myself. For example, when R broke up with me I was extremely depressed. I thought the feeling would never end. But, I knew that it would eventually. I kept telling myself "this too shall pass." It helped me to remember that I wouldn't be sad forever.
     If you struggle with self-harm, just know that there is hope for recovery.

Goals for the Week

     Instead of doing a weigh-in today, I'm just going to make a list of goals for the week. I don't want to look at my weight because I need to be worrying about my health more than how I look. Also, the drugs I'm on for my Bell's Palsy are making me very emotional and I don't need anymore stress. So, goals for the week so that I can weigh-in next week!

• Eat balanced. I don't want to restrict while I'm still trying to beat Lyme disease. So I want to eat healthy and balanced. 3 meals a day and 2 snacks, roughly around 1200 calories. I usually do really well until night time. Then I get bored and stressed out. I need to find other things to do at night!!
• Back to Exercise! I'm starting my exercise routine back up again. I'm limiting running though because it bothers my eye. I'm going to start my weight lifting back up though now that I'm starting to get more energy.
• Earlier mornings! I've actually been doing pretty well with waking up earlier. A little exercise in the morning definitely helps and so does playing with my cat. 
• More positive thinking. I'm thinking about printing out some positive quotes and hanging them up or putting little notes places to try to help myself be more positive. I haven't been in therapy in 2 months and it's getting hard, but with only 2 months left of summer, I don't want to bother.

     That's it for now. I'm trying to get healthy again and get my energy back still. I stop the Prednisone the end of this week, so hopefully my mood will improve after that!!

Sick as a Dog

     I'm sick. And I'm so mad about it. I haven't been sick in months and I thought that I wouldn't be sick again until school started up again. But no. This new lady at work got me sick. Now I'm miserable. I can't exercise. I can barely stay awake. I'm supposed to be having a party Saturday and I really don't want to anymore. I've just been sitting around and drinking loads of tea.
     In other news, yesterday was awful. On top of being really sick, I was also feeling extremely depressed. We found out yesterday that my brother is not going to graduate from high school. My mom was crying and yelling and freaking out on him. My kitten was crying. I couldn't be around it. I drove around for a while and smoked a bunch of cigarettes, which did not help my sore throat and cough. After that I decided to take a bubble bath and drink so chamomile tea and I felt better. I'm so disappointed in my brother. And he doesn't even care that he's not graduating. Ugh.

I AM BACK

     I'm back guys. A lot of shit has happened since I last posted. My last post I wrote some pretty depressing things. And I apologize for disappearing after that. In December my life fell apart. One of my close friends died in a car accident on December 2nd, and it was awful. She was my roommate's girlfriend and also my best friend's sister. The same day I was in the hospital getting fluids for being dehydrated from not eating and drinking. My boyfriend at the time broke up with me and we got into a huge fight. I got one of my friends kicked out of school by accident.
     During this time, I relapsed on cutting. It had been over a year since I had cut myself. I also got down to the lowest weight I have ever been. I started drinking excessively. I was hospitalized again in January. At this time I met a guy, R. I'll tell you more about him later. But anyways, I decided I needed to start eating and get the fuck out of the hospital. I was miserable for months.
     But, good news! I haven't cut since January 6th, 2014. I'm feeling less depressed. I'm actually quite happy. I haven't gained weight since I've been home from school. And I'm back here! I missed the community here a lot. I hope all of you are doing well!

Rough Lately

     Things have been pretty rough lately. I skipped all my classes yesterday because I was feeling very suicidal. I felt better today. My counselor at school wasn't in this week so that sucks a lot. I ate a lot the past two days. I'm a failure.

Depression Talk

     So I was talking with one of my friends the other day, and he doesn't know about any of my problems. We ended up talking about depression and mental illnesses.
     He kept telling me that mental illnesses aren't real. That you can be sad about something and then just snap out of it because life is good and happy. He said people are depressed for attention.

1. You can't just snap out of depression. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain.
2. Life isn't always good and happy for people.
3. If depressed people just wanted attention, then why doesn't he know I'm depressed? Wouldn't I just be blabbing about it to everyone?

     Just a little rant. It makes me angry that people with mental disorders aren't treated equally. Like I would get some much shit if all my friends knew about my problems..

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 4

Last Weight: 124.6

Todays Weight: 120

Difference: -4.6

Last Goal: 122.8 by 8/28

Goal Met? Yes

New Goal: 118.5 by 9/11

     I finally fucking lost weight! I'm so excited. I know, I skipped the last weight in, but I was so depressed it was not even something that I wanted to think of. This past week I have cut down on junk food so much. I haven't had a binge in a week I think. Being at school is great because I can go out and buy whatever food I want. Plus, I can go to the gym again! Yay! I went today and it was amazing! It's nice to be back. 

Feeling Better

     Thanks for your kind words on my last post. It really means a lot that people actually care about me.
     So, I'm not feeling 100% better, but I was definitely less depressed than yesterday. I cried myself to sleep last night and when I woke up my boyfriend called me right away to make sure I was okay. I spent the day packing for school. I'm so excited now! I move in on Monday. I promise I will start making better posts once I move in! Everything has been so hectic.