Consequences of my ED

     So every now and then I like to may a post about how my eating disorder has negatively affected my life. I do this to show that eating disorders are not something to be desired. They are a serious illness.
     Recently I was at the doctors for my recently diagnosed TMJ. I am in so much pain from this! It's horrible. I decided to look up to see if it was related to my ED, and guess what? It probably is. I found a list on this website that shows the consequences related to having an eating disorder. I'm going to list which ones have affected me personally.

• Amenorrhea - loss of menstrual cycle. 

• Cramps, bloating, constipation, diarrhea, incontinence

• Dehydration - caused by lack of intake of fluids in the body. (Hospitalized for this numerous times)

• Depression - mood swings and depression caused by physiological factors such as electrolyte imbalances, hormone and vitamin deficiencies, malnutrition and dehydration.

• Dry Skin and Hair, Brittle Hair and Nails, Hair Loss - caused by Vitamin and Mineral deficiencies, malnutrition and dehydration

• Acid Reflux Disorders

• Iron Deficiency, Anemia - this makes the oxygen transporting units within the blood useless and can lead to fatigue, shortness of breath, increased infections, and heart palpitations

• Kidney Infection - Vitamin Deficiencies, dehydration, infection and low blood pressure increase the risks of and associated with kidney infection. (Hospitalized for Kidney infection in January)  
• Muscle Atrophy - wasting away of muscle and decrease in muscle mass due to the body feeding off of itself.

• Orthostatic Hypotension - sudden drop in blood pressure upon sitting up or standing. Symptoms include dizziness, blurred vision, passing out, heart pounding and headaches. (Hospitalized for a few times)

• TMJ "Syndrome" - degenerative arthritis within the tempero-mandibular joint in the jaw. Vitamin deficiencies and teeth grinding (often related to stress) can both be causes. 

• Weakness and Fatigue - caused generalized poor eating habits, electrolyte imbalances, vitamin and mineral deficiencies, depression, malnutrition, heart problems.

     I'm almost crying right now after reading this list. I can't lead a normal life because of my ED. Along will all of these physical illnesses, I also suffer from many mental issues related to my ED. These include low self-esteem, anxiety, self-hate. It's something I struggle with every day.
     I make posts like these because this is the reality of eating disorders. I see too many blogs on here telling girls how to starve themselves, and saying that "ana" will make them beautiful. No. It won't. It makes you sick. It puts you in hospitals. Constant doctors visits. Missing out on things because you're too weak. Doing poorly in school because you're always in the hospital instead of class. It is not beautiful.

Depression Talk

     So I was talking with one of my friends the other day, and he doesn't know about any of my problems. We ended up talking about depression and mental illnesses.
     He kept telling me that mental illnesses aren't real. That you can be sad about something and then just snap out of it because life is good and happy. He said people are depressed for attention.

1. You can't just snap out of depression. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain.
2. Life isn't always good and happy for people.
3. If depressed people just wanted attention, then why doesn't he know I'm depressed? Wouldn't I just be blabbing about it to everyone?

     Just a little rant. It makes me angry that people with mental disorders aren't treated equally. Like I would get some much shit if all my friends knew about my problems..

Camping is the New Hell

     So, I made this post about how I was going camping this past weekend. And I wasn't looking forward to it. And guess what, it was as bad, if not worse, than I expected. I realized a few things this weekend. I never want a dog. I'm claustrophobic. And I hate my boyfriend's step-dad.
     This guy is a homophobic misogynistic prick. The first thing that bothered me was that he kept making fun of me for being a vegetarian. Saying I didn't get enough protein and it was making my brain fail. I was mad. Then, a lesbian couple and their kids moved into the campsite next to us. All he did was call them "stupid fat dykes" and say "why do they allow people like that to have kids?" I was pissed. Then I wanted to roast marshmallows over the fire. "Okay go buy some sticks." I was like "We can just break a stick off of a tree." His reply? " That's fucking disgusting! There's bugs on those!" Dude, we're fucking camping. So we bought wooden sticks that were made in a factory in China. Then the lesbian couple was cooking food in tin foil over the fire. "That's so nasty. Why would you do that!?" Uhm, did you forget, WE'RE CAMPING. Made fun of me for eating a lot. Told me I couldn't do anything right because I was a woman. Kept asking me if I was high. Said my family was messed up. Complained about not being able to get the cable tv to work (yes while camping). Then when I fixed it, told me it couldn't have been me who fixed it because I'm a woman. All they had planned for us to do was sit around watching tv.
     I almost stabbed someone.
     I'm never going fucking camping with them again. And I gained weight probably. Because I was so pissed so all I did was eat. I should've stayed home. It was so bad.

3 Years to the Day

     So, I don't know if you remember, but about a week and a half ago my ex came over. If you don't remember, read this and this. Ever since that happened, I've been feeling like shit. I've been smoking a lot again. I've been eating all the time. Non-stop crying. Well, this weekend I was with my boyfriend and I was thinking about my life and trying to figure out what was bothering me. Then it just hit me.
     My ex had come over on July 24th. I looked in my calander on my phone and went all the way back to 2010. On July 24th. And hey, guess what? That was the day that stupid fucker raped me.
     I'm so pissed. I can't believe he would fucking do that. Come to my house after 3 fucking years. I've been trying to hard to just forget that it all happened and now I can't. I'm repressing my emotions again. I'm disasociating all the time. I want to kill him.
     I'm so incredibly frustrated and I just really don't know what to do. I can't talk to anyone about it because no one understands and I'm sick of crying to my boyfriend. I'm sorry I've been such a mess lately. I hope that I'll be okay soon. <3

I'm high and life sucks

     So, I got home from work today and I was all excited to make a yumy dinner and do my chores. But when I pulled in the driveway, there was a big white van there. It look familiar. I walked inside and look out the widow to the backyard. And he was there. The guy who raped me. 

     Instant panic attack. My heart was pounding so hard. I felt that there was no way out. My life was over. 

     I called my boyfriend and he told me that I just needed to get out of there. My friends were going on a sunset cruise so they picked me up and brought me to Plymouth where me and this other girl just walked around and talked. I took 4 Ativan and bought a pack of cigarettes. I'm still pretty fucked up. I can barely type.

     I'm so depressed. I don't even know what to do. Why can't I get him out of my life? He doesn't even understand what he's done to me. It drives me nuts. I can't even think about this anymore. I want to go home and cry. I wish my parents were here. I wish that I was in my dorm where he can't find me. I'm a mess. Help me.