Consequences of my ED

     So every now and then I like to may a post about how my eating disorder has negatively affected my life. I do this to show that eating disorders are not something to be desired. They are a serious illness.
     Recently I was at the doctors for my recently diagnosed TMJ. I am in so much pain from this! It's horrible. I decided to look up to see if it was related to my ED, and guess what? It probably is. I found a list on this website that shows the consequences related to having an eating disorder. I'm going to list which ones have affected me personally.

• Amenorrhea - loss of menstrual cycle. 

• Cramps, bloating, constipation, diarrhea, incontinence

• Dehydration - caused by lack of intake of fluids in the body. (Hospitalized for this numerous times)

• Depression - mood swings and depression caused by physiological factors such as electrolyte imbalances, hormone and vitamin deficiencies, malnutrition and dehydration.

• Dry Skin and Hair, Brittle Hair and Nails, Hair Loss - caused by Vitamin and Mineral deficiencies, malnutrition and dehydration

• Acid Reflux Disorders

• Iron Deficiency, Anemia - this makes the oxygen transporting units within the blood useless and can lead to fatigue, shortness of breath, increased infections, and heart palpitations

• Kidney Infection - Vitamin Deficiencies, dehydration, infection and low blood pressure increase the risks of and associated with kidney infection. (Hospitalized for Kidney infection in January)  
• Muscle Atrophy - wasting away of muscle and decrease in muscle mass due to the body feeding off of itself.

• Orthostatic Hypotension - sudden drop in blood pressure upon sitting up or standing. Symptoms include dizziness, blurred vision, passing out, heart pounding and headaches. (Hospitalized for a few times)

• TMJ "Syndrome" - degenerative arthritis within the tempero-mandibular joint in the jaw. Vitamin deficiencies and teeth grinding (often related to stress) can both be causes. 

• Weakness and Fatigue - caused generalized poor eating habits, electrolyte imbalances, vitamin and mineral deficiencies, depression, malnutrition, heart problems.

     I'm almost crying right now after reading this list. I can't lead a normal life because of my ED. Along will all of these physical illnesses, I also suffer from many mental issues related to my ED. These include low self-esteem, anxiety, self-hate. It's something I struggle with every day.
     I make posts like these because this is the reality of eating disorders. I see too many blogs on here telling girls how to starve themselves, and saying that "ana" will make them beautiful. No. It won't. It makes you sick. It puts you in hospitals. Constant doctors visits. Missing out on things because you're too weak. Doing poorly in school because you're always in the hospital instead of class. It is not beautiful.

I AM BACK

     I'm back guys. A lot of shit has happened since I last posted. My last post I wrote some pretty depressing things. And I apologize for disappearing after that. In December my life fell apart. One of my close friends died in a car accident on December 2nd, and it was awful. She was my roommate's girlfriend and also my best friend's sister. The same day I was in the hospital getting fluids for being dehydrated from not eating and drinking. My boyfriend at the time broke up with me and we got into a huge fight. I got one of my friends kicked out of school by accident.
     During this time, I relapsed on cutting. It had been over a year since I had cut myself. I also got down to the lowest weight I have ever been. I started drinking excessively. I was hospitalized again in January. At this time I met a guy, R. I'll tell you more about him later. But anyways, I decided I needed to start eating and get the fuck out of the hospital. I was miserable for months.
     But, good news! I haven't cut since January 6th, 2014. I'm feeling less depressed. I'm actually quite happy. I haven't gained weight since I've been home from school. And I'm back here! I missed the community here a lot. I hope all of you are doing well!

Sorry For Being MIA

I realize that I haven't posted in a while. Things have been shitty and weird and everything is a mess.

One of my friends admitted to being obsessively in love with me. I broke up with my boyfriend for a while. That same friends was also extremely depressed and suicidal. He was forced to leave school. My boyfriend and I are back together now. School's been stressful.

I've been eating like shit lately, but I haven't gained too much weight. I've been really depressed. I keep blaming myself for my friend's mental health problems, even though I know it's not my fault.

I'm trying to get shit back together. Get my grades back to where they were. Get my body back to where it was. Things were actually good for a while.

I'll probably post some progress pictures next week sometime.

Depression Talk

     So I was talking with one of my friends the other day, and he doesn't know about any of my problems. We ended up talking about depression and mental illnesses.
     He kept telling me that mental illnesses aren't real. That you can be sad about something and then just snap out of it because life is good and happy. He said people are depressed for attention.

1. You can't just snap out of depression. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain.
2. Life isn't always good and happy for people.
3. If depressed people just wanted attention, then why doesn't he know I'm depressed? Wouldn't I just be blabbing about it to everyone?

     Just a little rant. It makes me angry that people with mental disorders aren't treated equally. Like I would get some much shit if all my friends knew about my problems..

I Don't Deserve Food

     Wow. I know. I've been a shitty blogger lately. I've just been so depressed. I haven't been replying to comments and I haven't been keeping up with people's blogs. I'm terrible. I spent today laying in bed and thinking of different ways to kill myself. I also made pasta [wtf] and ate half a container of cookies. Ew. But that was it. Because I don't deserve food. I'm too much of a shitty person. I don't deserve it.
     I keep gaining weight. I'm not exercising. I can't quit smoking. I crashed my car. I'm not packed for school. I'm basically just a failure.

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 3

Last Weight: 124.4

Todays Weight: 124.6

Difference: +0.2

Last Goal: 122.4 by 8/21

Goal Met? No

New Goal: 122.8 by 8/28

     Another gain! No surprise there, because I'm a failure. All I've been doing is binging and being depressed and having panic attacks. I can't stand it. I woke up this morning and couldn't fit into my jeans, so I had to wear my "fat pants" which are usually super loose. Now they're not. What's really bothering me is that I'm seeing some of the people I used to be friends with this weekend. I want to be skinny to show them up. But, that's not going to happen. I'm planning on only eating 1 meal today, but tomorrow my dad is taking me to Wendy's. I hate feeling so fat.

Stopping the Cycle

     So, these past couple weeks I've been on a huge binge cycle where I restrict all day until about 9PM and then eat to the point of almost vomiting, but I can't purge because my parents are always around. I feel huge. I feel so disgusting. I don't want to be seen like this. I was watching Supersize vs. Super Skinny last night [can be found here] and it just made me realize that if I keep eating this much, I'm going to get so huge. I know what I need to do, but I always think it'll be okay to have just a little bit of chips or just one cookie. But that never happens. I always lose control. I can't let myself do that anymore. And it used to be fine to do it, because I could just purge. Now with my parents and brother always around, I can't do that and I have to deal with all this high fat & high calorie food sitting in my stomach. So things I need to starts doing:

• Eat slower. I eat too fast and then don't feel full until I've already eaten a whole box of cookies..
• Keep track of how many pounds I want to lose. I'm going to write the number on my hand or wrist every day. It's less noticeable than a weight.Today's number is 25.
• Choose better foods. If I want chips, then have a rice cake. If I want cookies, then have some prunes. No one wants to binge on rice cakes! But I can still get the crunchiness. 
• Spend less time at my house. I need to make plans for the week so I'm not sitting at my house with nothing to do but go to food.
• Write more. I'm an emotional eater and I need to get my emotions out of me instead of stuffing food into myself.

     That's all I got for now. I'm so terrified of becoming fat. I need to get this under control. And I'm sorry that I make so many lists. It's an obsession!

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 2

Last Weight: 122.4

Todays Weight: 124.4

Difference: +2.0

Last Goal: 120.4 by 8/14

Goal Met? No

New Goal: 122.4 by 8/21

     I'm so pissed at myself. I haven't weighed this much in over 2 years. I am disgusted by this number. I keep blaming the gain on quitting smoking and being stressed out. But there is no one to blame but myself. I lost control. And I need to get that control back.

      So, what's the plan? Obviously what I'm doing isn't working, so new plan. I lowered my calorie allowance to 500 net calories a day. I have to jog 2 times a week for 30 minutes while I'm still working. When I go back to school, it has to be 3 times a week. I must walk 10,000 steps a day at least on work days. Food that I can have whenever will be fruits and vegetables. Food that is limited is beans, rice cakes, low fat dairy, avocado, quinoa. Food that is off limits except when I have no choice: bread, rice, junk food. yes this means putting my bagel thins in the freezer until I can control myself.

     I need to regain control of my diet, my weight, and my life. My goal is to be 117 lbs by the time school starts. Wish me luck!

Weekend Adventures

      I haven't posted in a few days because I've been really busy this weekend mixed with also being pretty depressed lately. So here's is just a little update.
     Friday: Friday I went shopping and got some new clothes for school. I was feel pretty awesome. Then when I got home my brother and I got into a fight and I decided to eat a ton of junk food and then go to sleep instead of dealing with it.
     Saturday: Saturday I went to the beach and on my Uncle's boat. I was feeling good and having some drinks and then we ordered pizza. I didn't feel bad about it because I was a little tipsy. Then I got really bloated after eating and my uncle called me fat. After the beach, I told my friend I was going to take a shower and then we could hang out later. Come 10 PM, no one had texted me to hangout so I was going to go to bed. I went on twitter to see all my friends tweeting about hanging out together and they hadn't invited me. Cue eating an entire bag of cheesy popcorn.
     Sunday: Sunday I went into the city to visit one of my friends who is graduating soon. I went with my college roommate, and of course her family owns a bakery in the North End. We ate some sweets but then walked around a lot. Then I had a spinach and cheese calzone. Not diet drinks. Then we went to our school and our friend made pasta with sauce and buttery bread. And my roommate brought cannolis for dessert.
     I have to weigh in on Wednesday and I'm scared to fuck. I need to stop using food to cope with my depression. It's so bad. :/

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 1

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In! From now on I'll just call it WWW.

Last Weight: 121.4

Todays Weight: 122.4

Difference: +1.0

Goal: 120.4 by 8/14

     ugh. I gained weight. It's because I've been binging like crazy. When I get upset, all I do is eat. I need to find something else to do besides eat. I was smoking before, but now that's I'm quitting I'm not sure what to do. Also, I'm going on 4+ day with no poop. It's gross, I know, but that has to add to some of the reason why I gained. Even with my binges my calories intake was still under 2000 a day and I've been exercising. Gaining weight just all around sucks.

     So what's my plan for this next week before weigh-in again? I'm going to be really strict with myself. No snacking after dinner even if I have calories left over. I'm going to try spreading my dinner out. Like eat one thing at a time and then wait to eat more. That way I can see if I'm really hungry or not. Exercise cannot be skipped. No excuses. I'm hoping to drop 2 lbs this week. I NEED to drop 2 lbs this week.

     I still need to stay positive though. If I'm not positive, then I'll get depressed and when I'm depressed I binge and when I binge, I gain weight. A lady at work gave me a gift card to Starbucks, and that's awesome because it's a 1 mile walk from my school. So there's an easy excuse to walk 2 miles! And black coffee with splenda has barely any calories. If I stay strict with myself, I can be 116lbs by the time I go back to school! I just need to stay motivated and stop being so damn depressed!

Don't Be Afraid to Ask for Help

     If you have symptoms of a mental illness and you want help, then you shouldn't be afraid to ask for it. It can be very difficult to find the courage to seek help. This is mainly because people view mental illness as something for "crazy" people. But it's not. There are many people who suffer from mental illness that aren't "crazy." You shouldn't be afraid to get help. If you had the flu, you would go see a doctor. If you had a broken arm, you would go see a doctor. It should be no difference for mental illness.

     I know that seeking help can seem difficult, but it will be worth it in the long run. It took me years to ask my mom if I could see a therapist, but I did. And it has helped me so much!

• You need to tell someone. The first step to getting help is to tell someone that you want help. I chose to tell my mom. You could tell your parents, your significant other, your school counselor. But tell someone who will be there to help your journey.
• Have a back-up. If you're afraid that your parents, or whomever, won't think that you need help, then plan a second person to tell. Go to your school's counselor and tell them. They could set you up with a school psychologist or set up a meeting with your parents to talk to them about what is best for you.
• Visit your general practitioner. If you don't know where to start, visit your primary care doctor. They can explain what you're options are. My GP recommended a psychologist to me and helped me set everything up.
• Find a doctor. Finding a therapist can be difficult. My first therapist was recommended by my doctor. My second was appointed to me through the school. My third and current therapist I found online. One thing you can do is call your insurance and ask for mental health providers who take your insurance.
• Choose your plan. There are many types of therapy that you can go through. Psychotherapy. CBT. EDMR. Hypnosis. Read about what is offered and what will work most with your problems. Then create a plan with your doctor to decide what problems you're going to tackle and set goals of where you want to be in the future.
• Don't give up if it doesn't work. Finding a good therapist can be hard. If you don't gel with your doctor, then the therapy won't work. You can try to make things work out, but if you really don't like your doctor, then don't be afraid to switch. There's no point in paying to see someone who can't help you. You can find something that works for you!

3 Years to the Day

     So, I don't know if you remember, but about a week and a half ago my ex came over. If you don't remember, read this and this. Ever since that happened, I've been feeling like shit. I've been smoking a lot again. I've been eating all the time. Non-stop crying. Well, this weekend I was with my boyfriend and I was thinking about my life and trying to figure out what was bothering me. Then it just hit me.
     My ex had come over on July 24th. I looked in my calander on my phone and went all the way back to 2010. On July 24th. And hey, guess what? That was the day that stupid fucker raped me.
     I'm so pissed. I can't believe he would fucking do that. Come to my house after 3 fucking years. I've been trying to hard to just forget that it all happened and now I can't. I'm repressing my emotions again. I'm disasociating all the time. I want to kill him.
     I'm so incredibly frustrated and I just really don't know what to do. I can't talk to anyone about it because no one understands and I'm sick of crying to my boyfriend. I'm sorry I've been such a mess lately. I hope that I'll be okay soon. <3

Something's Wrong

     I don't even want to talk about what I ate today. I had a nice healthy dinner planned. Mushrooms, onions, and an egg. Then I added some beans and corn. I ate it and I thought I would be done. But then I couldn't even control myself from eating one of everything in our junk cabinet. This happened at 6:30 pm. It's 11pm and I still feel like I'm going to vomit. I didn't want to purge, so I went out with my friend for a while. I hate myself and I have no control. 

     I think I'm repressing my feelings. I've had a huge problem with this my whole life. It's led to various eating problems and also my self harm problem. I hide my feelings so much that I don't even know what's bothering me. But something is. I've so disconnected and I can't control my eating and my bowels are fucked over but I can't do laxatives because I'm driving to my boyfriends tomorrow. 

     I can't put a finger to what's bothering me. And I'm thinking so hard, but I just don't know what. I hate my therapist. I decided that. I lied and told her I couldn't see her the last week in August. So now we only have 2 more appointments. I want to go back and see a counselor at school. They're much more helpful. They want me to get a full psych evaluation at a near by hospital. Ill probably do that some Friday after class. 

     I hate my brother. He's a loser. He's going no where in life. I'm such a perfectionist that its embarrassing to say that I'm related to him. He's a jerk. He's 17 and still thinks that he can be famous. Grow up and decide what you really want to do with your life. 

     I'm hoping that this weekend with my boyfriend will make me feel a little better. Even writing this out I feel better, so thanks for listening. The only time I feel happy is when I'm with him and right after I go jogging. Gunna try to go for a jog in the morning before the long drive. Ill answer any comments from today in the morning. Hope all is well. Stay strong. Stay beautiful. Stay safe. <3

I'm high and life sucks

     So, I got home from work today and I was all excited to make a yumy dinner and do my chores. But when I pulled in the driveway, there was a big white van there. It look familiar. I walked inside and look out the widow to the backyard. And he was there. The guy who raped me. 

     Instant panic attack. My heart was pounding so hard. I felt that there was no way out. My life was over. 

     I called my boyfriend and he told me that I just needed to get out of there. My friends were going on a sunset cruise so they picked me up and brought me to Plymouth where me and this other girl just walked around and talked. I took 4 Ativan and bought a pack of cigarettes. I'm still pretty fucked up. I can barely type.

     I'm so depressed. I don't even know what to do. Why can't I get him out of my life? He doesn't even understand what he's done to me. It drives me nuts. I can't even think about this anymore. I want to go home and cry. I wish my parents were here. I wish that I was in my dorm where he can't find me. I'm a mess. Help me.