Partying with an ED

     On the rare occasion that I get invited to a party, and the even more rare occasion that I decide to go, I always have anxiety about it. Especially when it comes to calories. Parties are filled with calories. Pizza. Chips. Alcohol. It's a mess. I used to party a lot more when I was younger. And I've learned, the hard way, what to do and what not to do when it comes to partying when you have an ED.
     The number one rule: NEVER DRINK ON AN EMPTY STOMACH. I have done this so many times. And I've seen people recommending others to do this. It seems like a great idea, right? Save your calories for the day so you can get drunk with your friends. No. You will get drunk way too fast. You'll be the super sloppy drunk that no one likes. You will probably throw up, and you will run out of stuff to throw up and it will hurt. You have a higher chance of blacking out and that never ends well. But, most importantly, you will do major damage to your body. The alcohol will not be absorbed into any food. Your body will digest it faster and there will be very high concentrations in you liver. After awhile this can lead to permanent liver damage. So, before you drink, please please please eat something.
      Never feel pressured to drink. Not drinking alcohol is the best way to avoid liquid calories. Just drink diet soda all night or even make up a mock-tail. If people are pressuring you to drink, then those people suck. You don't need to drink to have fun.
     BYOB. Bring your own beer / beverage. When guys throw parties, they usually don't buy diet soda. It's full calorie beer and full calorie soda. I always bring my own drink. Then I know how much alcohol is it. I know how many calories are in it. I know that no one put drugs in it. I just feel so much better about the night. It also control how much I'll drink. This is a great option if you're not drinking too. Bring a soda and if someone offers you a beer, say you already have a drink. They usually assume it's alcoholic.
     Dance! This is the best way to avoid feeling the guilt of "I ate a meal and I'm drinking." I love dancing at parties. It's fun. You meet new people. And it burns calories! No more guilt about have a drink! The best part it that if you embarrass yourself, just play it off like you're really drunk.
     Have fun and be Safe. Parties are meant for people to have fun at, so enjoy yourself. But, remember to be safe. Use the buddy system. Keep track of how much you're drinking. Drink water in between drinks. Have safe way home (taxi, designated driver, walking). If you feel unsafe, don't be afraid to leave with your friends or ask someone to get you, even if it's your mom!

Need a New Therapist

     So, I had my last EMDR session on Monday. [post about that here] I decided that I don't think that EMDR is right for me. It didn't really help much. Possibly because I have a very short attention span. And a bad memory. I don't know. All I know is that I need to find someone new. I have so many options, and it's really overwhelming.
     My first option is to see a counselor at school. I am going to pursue this first. I only saw one of the school counselors for a couple weeks, but she was very helpful. The woman that I saw before isn't at the school anymore. I'm kind of upset about this. That means telling my life story to another fucking person. The other problem is I'm not sure if the school does long term treatment. I want to be able to keep the same person all school year. Also, they don't really specialize in what I need, so that's another issue.
     My second option is to find an outside therapist. This is what I'll do if my school denies long term treatment. I hate trying to find a therapist. My first therapist was amazing, and I compare everyone to her. I want a female doctor. I want them to have a doctorate in the field. I want them to have a background with trauma / sexual abuse. I need them to accept my insurance. It's so much to ask for. A lot of the therapists around the area don't have a doctorate and most of them are social workers who also do counseling. I need more than that. I hop my school can give me a referral to a good doctor.
     The next option is that I might go back on medication. This means finding a psychiatrist. I'm not sure if it's exacltly what I want yet, but it's something I might have to do. I have'nt hurt myseld since I've been off my meds [10 months soon!] but maybe it was just those types or that combination that wasn't working for me. I hated my previous psychiatrist, which is why I haven't gone back to see one. Again, I'm hoping that my school can give me a referral.
     My other option is acupuncture and/or herbal remedies. My EMDR therapist suggested it to me, since I didn't like medication before. I looked into it, and it seems like it might be something good for me. However, it usually isn't covered by insurance and I'm poor. Also, most of the accupunturists in Boston aren't open to fit my schedule. I have class until 6 or 7 at night. So it's would be extremely hard to fit it into my schedule ontop of doing CBT therapy.
     This has really been bothering me all day. I'm sure that my school will be able to help, because they can't just say no to helping me and leave me with no where to go. I just need to not stress out about it. I can't do anything until I'm back in the city anyways. Wish me luck!

If you are looking for a therapist try this site or this site. And good luck to you too!

Vegetarian Life

     So, when I was 16 I decided that I was going to become a vegetarian. I ad recently gained up to my highest weight, and I wanted to get if OFF. I also didn't really like the taste of meat and I love animals. I convinced my mom to let me do it. I printed out lots of graphs and food pyramids. She agreed. I have been living the veggie life ever since! I'm actually a pescatarian, for the sake of sushi, because that's usually the only fish I ever eat. I also don't drink milk, but that's just because it tastes disgusting. I also eat eggs, which people think is weird.. but I love them so I don't care.
     Becoming a vegetarian is one of the best things I ever did. I lost a ton of weight really fast. My body just felt better overall. And I felt really good that I was saving a bunch of cute little cows.
 

     Making the transition into a vegetarian was not that hard for me. However, it can be hard for others. First, I cut out red meat. It was my least favorite thing to eat. That was pretty easy. I would just fill up on extra veggies if my mom made steak that night. Then I cut out processed meats, such as chicken patties. Those were my all time favorite. I substituted them for a vegetarian version. Tyson chicken patties are 200 calories with 13 grams of fat of 9 grams of protein. The morning star Chik patties have 170 calories and only 5 grams of fat and 10 grams of protein. And they taste 10 times better! Even my carnivore brother thinks so. Then I finally cut out all of meats, which was easy because of my moms cooking. Ew. 

     A lot of people ask my if I miss anything that I used to eat. My boyfriend can't understand how I live without bacon. There's really only one thing that I miss. McDonald's chicken nuggets.

     Whenever I tell someone I'm a vegetarian, they freak out a little about how to feed me. It's not that hard. Just take the meat out. Making spaghetti and meatballs? I'll just have spaghetti. Going out for burritos? Bean burritos are my favorite. My mom just cooks extra sides for me to eat. When I go out to eat, I always look at the menu before-hand. Most restaurants have vegetarian options. Burger King even has veggie burgers now!

     The biggest thing to remember, it that you can eat whatever the fuck you want. People judge me all the time for being a vegetarian, but I don't care because I eat what I like, and I don't like meat, so I don't eat it! Simple as that!

Water

     I hate when people say "I don't drink water because it makes me fat." No. No. No. Water does not make you fat. Water is the one thing that has zero calories! Water is vital for your body. You can't survive for than 3 day without any water. It is recommended that the average adult drink 8 glasses of water a day. Drinking water is especially important for weight loss or if you just want to be healthy! And you don't gain weight from it. Yes, the actual water will weigh something in your stomach, but you just pee it out! So how can you drink more?

• Bring a water bottle every where. I have one in my car, at my desk at work, and next to my bed. It's always there to grab!
• Replace your drinks. Replace your usual juice with breakfast or soda with lunch for some water.
• Order water at restaurants. It's usually free so you can cut down the cost of your meal. [I'm poor]
• Flavor your water. If you don't like the taste of water, then get some crystal light or mio and add some flavor. You won't be able to stop drinking it!

Favorite Low Calorie Foods

     I always have to stock up on low-calorie foods that I can eat without feeling guilty. This is a list of my favorites, by category. Feel free to comment with low-cal foods that you like!
Vegetables: carrot sticks, bell pepper, mushrooms, green beans, cucumbers, baby spinach, onion, tomato, Green Giant steam bags, broccoli. You can make a big salad or you can cook up a BUNCH of veggies for a low-cal., yet filling, meal.
Fruit: Peach cups, applesauce, watermelon, apples, oranges, strawberries, raspberries. I like to have fruit as a snack because it's sweet. If you buy packaged fruit (like in a can) make sure it's in water (not syrup) with no sugar added.
Grain: Sandwich thins, Bagel thins, low-fat crackers, quinoa. The sandwich thins are 100 calories for one. That's like 2 pieces of bread for 100 calories. The bagel thins are 110 calories each. You can have half a bagel for 55 calories. Yum.
Dairy: low-fat or fat-free cottage cheese, low-fat or fat-free mozzarella, light Silk soy milk. I always get cheese cravings really bad, and fat-free cottage cheese is 40 calories for 1/4 cup. It's good plain or with fruit mixed in. The light soy milk I get is 50 calories for 1 cup.
Protein: Gardein Crispy Tenders, tofu, black beans. I'm a vegetarian, and I LOVE the gardein tenders. Trader Joe's has their own brand too. They're 50 calories each and go awesome on top of salad. Tofu and black beans make good additions to food and the protein keeps you full.
Drinks: diet coke, tea, black coffee, water, diet/light juice. Most "light juices have 50 calories or under per cup.

Don't Be Afraid to Ask for Help

     If you have symptoms of a mental illness and you want help, then you shouldn't be afraid to ask for it. It can be very difficult to find the courage to seek help. This is mainly because people view mental illness as something for "crazy" people. But it's not. There are many people who suffer from mental illness that aren't "crazy." You shouldn't be afraid to get help. If you had the flu, you would go see a doctor. If you had a broken arm, you would go see a doctor. It should be no difference for mental illness.

     I know that seeking help can seem difficult, but it will be worth it in the long run. It took me years to ask my mom if I could see a therapist, but I did. And it has helped me so much!

• You need to tell someone. The first step to getting help is to tell someone that you want help. I chose to tell my mom. You could tell your parents, your significant other, your school counselor. But tell someone who will be there to help your journey.
• Have a back-up. If you're afraid that your parents, or whomever, won't think that you need help, then plan a second person to tell. Go to your school's counselor and tell them. They could set you up with a school psychologist or set up a meeting with your parents to talk to them about what is best for you.
• Visit your general practitioner. If you don't know where to start, visit your primary care doctor. They can explain what you're options are. My GP recommended a psychologist to me and helped me set everything up.
• Find a doctor. Finding a therapist can be difficult. My first therapist was recommended by my doctor. My second was appointed to me through the school. My third and current therapist I found online. One thing you can do is call your insurance and ask for mental health providers who take your insurance.
• Choose your plan. There are many types of therapy that you can go through. Psychotherapy. CBT. EDMR. Hypnosis. Read about what is offered and what will work most with your problems. Then create a plan with your doctor to decide what problems you're going to tackle and set goals of where you want to be in the future.
• Don't give up if it doesn't work. Finding a good therapist can be hard. If you don't gel with your doctor, then the therapy won't work. You can try to make things work out, but if you really don't like your doctor, then don't be afraid to switch. There's no point in paying to see someone who can't help you. You can find something that works for you!

How to Begin Running

     Exercise is super important. It's good for your body, helps you lose weight, and makes you feel better about yourself. A simple way to workout your whole body is by running. Most people think that running is too hard for them, but it can be easy in no time with the right preparation. Here's a list of things you can do to help yourself get into running!

• Plan where you're going to run. You can run on a treadmill or you can run outdoors. Determine which is the best choice for you.
• Get the right clothes. Sneakers are a must have. Try to get nice running sneakers. I got mine on sale! Also, wear a sports bra, a comfy shirt, and shorts or sweatpants. Make sure they won't fall off!
• Start small. You won't be able to run a marathon your first day. If you're really not in shape, try starting by walking for 20-30 minutes a couple days a week and then add in bits on jogging.
• Get an app. Apps are great for keeping track of your runs. I like the Nike one and Run keeper. I also like C25K, which helps your run a 5K in 8 weeks or something. I like the app because you tells you when to run and when to walk while you're do the exercise.
• Push yourself, but not too much. Try to run further or faster every time. However, don't push yourself too hard. You don't want to hurt yourself. Do what feels right. Listen to your body.
• Make sure your are medically cleared. If you have any medical condition make sure with your doctor that your body can handle running. I have asthma and always have to take my inhaler first!
• Stay hydrated. Bring a bottle of water on your runs and take sips every now and then so you can stay hydrated. Don't drink the whole bottle at once while running because you will feel sick.
• Always stretch. Stretch after every run. Even if it's short. Even if you're really tired. You will be in a lot more pain if you don't stretch.
• Have fun! Running, for the most part, should be enjoyable. If after a couple runs, you find no enjoyment, then maybe running isn't for you!

Little Ways to Save Money

     I know a lot of people who read this blog are in a similar situation as me. A teenager with no job or a shitty job whose parents won't buy anything. I'm in college and tuition it $30k+ a year. Plus books. Plus groceries. Plus anything else I want to spend my money on. My parents are helping out with college, but after this year I have $0 left in my college fund. Awesome. I'm also trying to get an apartment, where rent is over $1000 a month. It sucks. This has caused me to become pretty frugal. So here are just some ways that I like to save money.

• Keep all of your change. Every penny. Put it in a jar or wherever. I've been doing this for years and it has saved me over $300. You can bring the coins to a machine, but that usually costs money. I prefer to roll my coins and deposit them in the bank.
• Thrift shop. It may take some digging, so maybe set aside a rainy day for this. But thrift shops are great places to find clothes. Just make sure they aren't ripped or have major stains. I like Good Will.
• Swap clothes. If your friends don't want stuff, then see if it fits you and ask them if you can have it. One of my friends bought a bunch of bathing suits, but they didn't fit her, so she let me have a couple.
• Don't go out to eat all the time. I know it's so easy to just stop at McDonald's and get food, but all of those $5 meals add up to a lot. Buy your food at the grocery store instead.
• Look for coupons. I'm a vegetarian and those fake meats can get pretty expensive. Luckily, there's a bunch of coupons out there. You can also get coupons for store for signing up for emails on their website.
• Victoria's Secret free panties coupons. It's the only underwear I get. You don't need to even buy anything else.
• Make money online. I used to use Swagbucks everyday. You take surveys and watch videos and get points which you can use towards giftcards or even deposit it into your paypal. I found out about it on a Stay At Home Mom blog, but I like it to kill time at work.
• Buy things in bulk. Stuff that you use all the time, like toilet paper, you can buy in bulk and save a lot. You're not going to NOT need toilet paper.
• Buy the store brand instead of the name brand. They're usually the same exact thing, but a lot cheaper. This is great for things like Advil.
• Return your cans and bottles! In MA you get 5 cents per can. My friend takes her dad's beer cans and returns them and she gets to keep the money!
• Walk, if you can. In the city its $2.50 to take the subway, no matter how many stops. So I walk almost everywhere. You can also ride a bike places. [And you get to burn calories!]

     That's my list for now. Feel free to comment with any additions that you have!

Burning Extra Calories

     I've never been one who likes to exercise. I like to go to the gym sometimes, but during the summer when I'm working I don't have time to go to the gym. So, I'm always looking for ways to burn more calories! Here are some examples of how:

• Fidgeting. Any movement burns calories!
• Chose to stand instead of sit if you have the chance
• I work a desk job so during work I try to get up and walk around to burn more.
• I have an app on my phone called Striiv and it counts my steps and how many calories I burn and uploads it right to MyFitnessPal.
• Do small exercises. Like do 5 squats every time you go to the bathroom. Or do crunches during commercial breaks while you're watching TV.
• Walk places or ride a bike instead of driving/taking public transit. 
• Don't take the elevator.
• Park at the end of parking lots.
• Clean! Take time to clean every day and you'll end up organized and skinny.

     Remember that any workout is better than no workout! Go for a jog, even if it's just for 10 minutes. Ten minutes is better than 0 minutes! Or even just go for a walk during your lunch break or after dinner. Every little step counts!

What to Do When You Binge

     Face it, no one's perfect, and we all make mistakes. One of those mistakes in binging. Now, I'm not talking about over eating by 100 calories or so. I'm talking about eating 1000+ calories in one sitting. I'm really bad at binging all the time, which caused me to get into the habit of purging. Purging is not the answer. One binge isn't going to make you gain 10 pounds. It's okay. This is what to do when you binge:

• Get away from the food. Go somewhere else so that you aren't tempted to eat more. You will just get more upset.
• Stay calm. Take deep breaths and try not to obsess over it. Don't go and count the calories up in everything you ate.
• Think about taking some medicine to make your stomach feel better. Your body isn't going to like all the junk you put into it.
• Get yourself involved in a different activity. What were you doing before you binged? If you were watching TV, then stop watching TV.
• After you've calmed down, try to think about WHY you binged. Was it because you were really emotional? Did your hunger overtake you? Try to do something else when this happens. If it's emotional, try talking to someone or writing it down. If it's hunger, try having a small snack and eat it away from other food.
• Always remember that tomorrow is a new day.

I hope this helped!

Parents Are a Pain

     Parents, and just family in general, can be a pain when it comes to losing weight and eating. Parents always push you to eat, even when you don't want. It can be really difficult to deal with. Hopefully this is my last year at home. I'm hoping to get an apartment for next August. I still have to deal with my parents for now though. I'm going to share ways that I used to deal with them being around when I was younger and the ways that I deal with my parents now.
Younger:

• Don't eat lunch at school. I would use my lunch money to buy cigarettes.
• Make a dirty dish and leave it in the sink.
• Take food to my room and throw it away
• Don't eat breakfast
• Sleep through dinner

Now:

• Leave before dinner and say I'm getting food with my friends / I'll eat later. The drive around or go shopping until you know dinner is over.
• Insist on making my own food 
• Not eating at work
• I'm a vegetarian so my parents can't make me eat the meat they cook 

     It's so much easier to skip dinner now that I have a car. I can just leave and say I'm going out with friends. I miss being a school, living in my dorm, because there I can eat [or not eat] whatever I want!


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Keeping Distracted

     Since I'm going to be eating a lot less than normal this week, I need to find ways to distract myself. Distractions make it a lot easier for me to skip meals. I always make a list of things that I can do instead of eating. For example, this is what I'm going to do today.

• Go to therapy right after work.
• After therapy go to the food store to get things for tomorrow's soup
• Unload dishwasher
• Put away all clean clothes
• Pick up dirty clothes
• Take a shower
• Work on blog
• Watch netflix
• Go to bed early

     When I'm doing extreme restricting, I make sure to stay away from things that might trigger me to binge. I don't watch TV [only netflix in bed] because it's too close to the kitchen. I don't go out with friends because they always want to get food. Also, I don't exercise too much. Lots of exercise is dangerous when extreme restricting or fasting. Your body doesn't have enough fuel and you could faint or have a heart attack. I stick to walking.
     I also make sure to stay hydrated. I drink water all day long. It keeps me feeling full and alert. I also drink diet soda with caffeine in it. I make sure to get a lot of sleep so that I have enough energy to make it through the day. This means going to bed at 9:30PM and waking up at 6:30AM. Sometimes I will chew gum or smoke to keep my mouth busy.
     Other things that distract me are:

• Shopping or just walking around stores
• Painting my nails
• Playing video games

     It's important to have a plan to keep you from binging. Always remember that if you feel faint or just uwell, stop restricting/fasting and seek medical help. Listen to your body and be safe.

Restaurants & EDs

     If you have an ED, you know that restaurants can be hell. Walk in, and all of a sudden, panic attack. This weekend my boyfriend is staying with me, and all he wants to do is go out to eat! It's fattening AND expensive. [I don't make him always pay because my job is better ;p] So some advice:

1. If you can, eat at home. Offer to cook something! Then you at least know what is going into it and you can control your portion.
2. If you have no choice but to go out, say for a friends birthday, look up the menu and nutrition before hand. Pick out a couple options, just in case you can't get your first pick. 
3. Picked this up from dieting family members: When you First get your food, divide it in half. Eat one half and bring the other half home where you can do what you please with it (eat it the next day, give it to your mom, throw it away)
4. Order an appetizer as your meal. Appetizers are usually much smaller portions
5. Don't eat the sides. If your meal comes with 2 sides, don't feel like you have to eat them. If it's salad, go ahead. If it's fries, then you can pass.
6. Ask for a kids menu. My friend is 21 and orders a beer and then gets a kids meal! Much smaller sizes and cheaper!
7. Split a meal with someone! 

     Always remember that it's just one meal! You're life isn't over because you had a cheeseburger! I also wouldn't recommend purging in restaurants. I've been there and done that. I always freak out that someone is going to come in that knows me. And then you're all sweaty and smell bad. Just avoid it at all costs.