Weekend of Eating Too Much

     I hate holidays because they always revolve around food. Especially ones like the Fourth of July where it's all cookouts and booze. Ugh.
     Thursday, I ate way too much at my work's cookout. All junk food too. Mostly cookies. So then I decided I wasn't going to eat dinner. But I wanted to get ridiculously drunk. So Romeo bought me a bottle of Bacardi and me, him, and my best friend went to the carnival and drank and went on rides. Then we went to McDonald's and I was trashed and thought french fries sounded like a great idea. Then we were going to a party and some kids tried to jump us but ... we were in a car... and they were on foot... Romeo pulled a knife on them. So what do they do? Throw a bottle of Hennessy into our car. So I drank that too. I was pretty wasted.
     Friday I was like "I'm not gunna eat" but then I took my antibiotics on an empty stomach and I was in horrible pain for 2 hours. I decided too take my best friend out to lunch and got a 1860 calorie meal. Ew. It was pouring rain all day so most festivities were canceled. I had made plans to stay at Romeo's. I wasn't going to eat the rest of the day but we ended up getting pizza at like 9:30 PM. And I had the rest of the Bacardi. And beer.
     Saturday I wasn't going to eat a lot because I had planned on going to R's. However, he broke his fucking phone and I couldn't get a hold of him until later in the day, where he pushed our plans back by 3 hours. I stayed home and just ate food all day with my mom. She made tuna and pasta salad. So. Much. Mayonnaise. Then I finally drove to see R. But guess what. We ended up at Burger King later that night, where I stuffed my face.
     In the morning (by morning I mean noon) he took me out for breakfast and it was so delicious and cute that I didn't care about the calories. I didn't eat again until dinner, but then I totally binged on everything in my house. Ew.
     This upcoming Saturday is my last day on antibiotics. After that I'm going to start restricting again. I miss the hungry feeling.

Six Months

     Today marks six months self-harm free for me. I'm really proud of myself. It's been really hard. I had reached 1 year self-harm free back in November, which was the first time I had ever gone that long without self-harming. However, I relapsed in December.
     There are a lot of things that help to keep me from self-harming. I always think about how the scars will look on my body and how I don't want any more. I've gotten better at opening up and talking to people. I started saying little quotes to myself. For example, when R broke up with me I was extremely depressed. I thought the feeling would never end. But, I knew that it would eventually. I kept telling myself "this too shall pass." It helped me to remember that I wouldn't be sad forever.
     If you struggle with self-harm, just know that there is hope for recovery.

7/2 Intake

Breakfast:

Egg - 70

English Muffin - 110

Ketchup - 15

Morning Snack:

Greek Yogurt - 100

Lunch:

Cheese - 70

Tofurky - 40

Lettuce - 4

Fruit Cup - 40

Hummus - 35

Flat bread - 100

Afternoon Snack:

Carrots - 35

Trail Mix - 130

Cookie - 185

Dinner:

Salad - 20

Lentil Soup - 240

Peas - 24

Total: 1218

If every day were like today you'd weigh 111.9lbs in 5 weeks

     Not bad today. I'm very pleased with the outcome. I did eat extra snacks at work today, because my boss bought them for our cookout tomorrow. I didn't have my flat bread in there originally because I forgot to add it to MFP. I was excited on how low I was and indulged. I still ended up right around my target of 1200 calories. There's a cookout at work tomorrow for the fourth of July and I'm nervous about it. My boss got so many cookies and chips. I'm eating a light breakfast and not bringing any food to work. I'm going to allow myself 500-600 calories at the cookout so that I can eat some of the yummy stuff!

July 2014 Pictures

So yeah. This is what I look like. It's disgusting I know. I compared these pictures to the ones I took last July and I look a lot better than I did last summer. I'm still hoping to improve. I want to lose 3lbs this month, so that I can be underweight again. I also want to get more toned. I want to be able to see my abs more and have less chubby legs. I'm trying really hard to stick to my plan for this month and then hopefully I will upload progress pictures showing a change.

7/1 Intake (Binge Included)

Breakfast:

Flour Tortilla - 190

Black Beans - 72

Corn - 60

Egg - 70

Salsa - 30

Morning Snack:

Chobani Greek Yogurt - 100

Lunch:

Flatbread - 100

Hommus - 70

Fruit Cup - 40

Lettuce - 4

Tofurky - 40

Cheese - 70

Afternoon Snack:

Baby Carrots - 35

Dinner:

Swordfish - 219

Corn - 80

Nectarine - 63

Pre Binge Total: 1243

Binge:

Cucumber - 23

Hummus - 140

Salsa - 45

Chips - 140

Oatmeal Cream Pie - 310

Corn - 120

Hot Dog Bun - 130

Mayo - 35

Nutty Bar - 310

Granola Bar - 160

Binge Total: 1413

Post Binge Total: 2656

     Yeah I fucking binged yesterday. I was laying in bed telling myself not to eat and then I was just like "fuck it I'll have just some veggies" and then that turned into 1413 calories of absolute shit. 58 grams of fat in that binge. Ugh. I'm so bad with eating at night. I just get bored and there's nothing else to do. My plan today is to go out so that I don't get too bored. I might go buy some things at the mall. Then by the time I get back and do my normal routine (cleaning, blogging, etc.) it will be late enough to go to bed and I can avoid the nightly temptation. Then if I can get used to not eating at night, I won't even want to!

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 9

Last Weight: 117.6

Todays Weight: 117.8

Difference: +0.2

Last Goal: 115.6

Goal Met? No

New Goal: 116.8 by 7/9

     Pretty much the same since last week. I blame the drugs I was on for making me gain weight. Now it's time to get it off. Even though I'm not restricting too much, MFP says that I should still lose 0.9lbs a week while eating 1200 calories a day. I'm also exercising so that definitely helps. My weight was a pound more yesterday and I think the jog I went for really helped to get it off. Also, I'm sorry I didn't get to posting pictures yesterday. My camera battery died and it takes forever to charge. I will 100% do them today though.

Weekly Goals

     Kicking my butt into gear for July! I weighed in today verrryyy high and I'm really sad about it. I'm seeing R this weekend so I'm gunna go hard this week.
 Today:
- Take "before" pics and post them
- Don't eat after dinner
- Run at least 1 mile
Wednesday:
- Cut calories at breakfast
- 2 sets of leg workout
- morning cardio
Thursday:
- Run at least 1 mile
- Morning cardio
Friday:
- 3 sets arm workout
- morning cardio
- conserve calories for alcohol
Saturday: 
- run 1 mile in the morning
- crunches, pushups, squats before seeing R
- eat light before going
Sunday:
- rest day
- if get home early, take a walk at night
     It's going to be hard, because I've been binging so much. I've gotten into the habit of plopping in front of the TV and watching Law & Order while eating until I want to vomit. R is my motivation this week. I keep saying little reminders in my head. I also keep telling myself that if I work hard now, it'll be easier down the road. Like, if I stick to this weeks workouts then next weeks will feel easier. Anyways, I'm taking "before" pics before I go for my run later and I'll try to get them up tonight!