Binge. Purge. Fast.

     So I ended up binging and purging last night. I'm so mad at myself. I've been trying to stop purging, but it's just so addictive. Nothing good ever comes out of it either. I only lost 0.8lb. Since I didn't lose what I wanted I decided that I'm going to fast today. I'm either going to fast until 6:30AM tomorrow or until 12PM tomorrow. It all depends on how I feel.
     My mistake yesterday was listening to my boyfriend. He was saying "You're not fat. It's okay to have a snack before bed." No, fuck you. I am fat and it turned into a huge binge. My stomach was so upset this morning. Today I'm going to go home and do my chores and then go out shopping. I'll try on clothes that are too small for me. That will make me want to be skinnier, but also I'll be away from food. I might buy a scale too. I need one for school and that's only a month away.
     So far I've been fasting 15 hours. Not a lot, but any amount is good. By the end I'm hoping to be at 32.5 to 38 hours. I might do another fast later this week, but I'm not sure yet. I'll keep you posted!

7/22 Intake

Breakfast:

Diet Coke - 0

Lunch:

Bay Spinach - 9

Cottage Cheese - 40

Apple Sauce - 50

Baby Carrots - 35

Cucumber - 8

Dinner:

Asian Spicy Kung Pao Noodle - 220

Snacks:

Diet Coke - 0

Cookie - 137

Total: 499

Exercise: 539

Net: -40

     I know I said I wasn't going to eat dinner, but I felt a binge coming on so I had a microwave meal. I also at a cookie at work because one of the guys gave it to me and wouldn't leave until I ate it. Ugh. But I'm under 500 so that makes me happy.

That Time

     Of course the week that my family is away and I can eat whatever I please, I'm scheduled to get my period. I'm so pissed. Whenever I get my period I make the mistake of weighing myself. My weight always spikes because of bloating and such. PLUS I get cravings for everything and it's just so unpleasant.
     This all depends on if I even get my period. Because of my frequent weight changes, I never know if I'm going to get my period or not. If I've been restricting a lot, then I probably won't get it. Some people might think that this is awesome. Sign that you're getting skinny plus not period, awesome, right? No. First I always freak out that I'm pregnant and I have to go out buy/steal some pregnancy tests. Even if they come out negative I still get paranoid about it. Also, I get really scared that I could become infertile, as this occurs very frequently in women with eating disorders. Then if I do get my period, I feel fat and eat a ton of cookies and get really emotional. It overall just sucks.

Keeping Distracted

     Since I'm going to be eating a lot less than normal this week, I need to find ways to distract myself. Distractions make it a lot easier for me to skip meals. I always make a list of things that I can do instead of eating. For example, this is what I'm going to do today.

• Go to therapy right after work.
• After therapy go to the food store to get things for tomorrow's soup
• Unload dishwasher
• Put away all clean clothes
• Pick up dirty clothes
• Take a shower
• Work on blog
• Watch netflix
• Go to bed early

     When I'm doing extreme restricting, I make sure to stay away from things that might trigger me to binge. I don't watch TV [only netflix in bed] because it's too close to the kitchen. I don't go out with friends because they always want to get food. Also, I don't exercise too much. Lots of exercise is dangerous when extreme restricting or fasting. Your body doesn't have enough fuel and you could faint or have a heart attack. I stick to walking.
     I also make sure to stay hydrated. I drink water all day long. It keeps me feeling full and alert. I also drink diet soda with caffeine in it. I make sure to get a lot of sleep so that I have enough energy to make it through the day. This means going to bed at 9:30PM and waking up at 6:30AM. Sometimes I will chew gum or smoke to keep my mouth busy.
     Other things that distract me are:

• Shopping or just walking around stores
• Painting my nails
• Playing video games

     It's important to have a plan to keep you from binging. Always remember that if you feel faint or just uwell, stop restricting/fasting and seek medical help. Listen to your body and be safe.

This Weeks Plan

     So my parents are on vacation this week, so I can basically eat [or not eat] whatever I want. It's going to be exciting and challenging. I have a hard time keeping in control, but hopefully with my mom not bugging me I will be able to stay calm and lose some weight! So I'm just going to type out a rough outline of this weeks plan:
Monday: No Breakfast. I'll have a big lunch of probably half a sandwich, some salad, cottage cheese, and apple sauce. No dinner. I can have a cereal bar before therapy if I really have one. I'll keep from eating dinner by cleaning and then going to bed early.
Tuesday: Normal Breakfast to make up for not eating dinner. A small lunch of probably just a salad and some apple sauce. Dinner will be homemade low-cal soup. I might take a long walk after work to burn calories.
Wednesday: No breakfast. I might make tea to keep me full. Lunch of a salad, apple sauce, and cottage cheese. Dinner will be light. Probably roasted tomatoes and mushrooms.
Thursday: Cereal bar breakfast. Light lunch of salad and apple sauce. Dinner will be soup and I might have a small snack while watching project runway!
Friday: I'm not sure what time my parents will be coming home, but I won't eat breakfast.
     I'm hoping to get down to 116 lbs by next Monday but who knows. I'm just trying to stick with this diet plan and not binge. I'm scared that I will binge on Thursday, because that's the day that I watch TV and it's right next to the kitchen so it's really easy to just sit there and eat 3000 calories worth of chips and cookies and ice cream. Wish me luck!

Weekend with my Boyfriend

     I over ate. I knew that I would. He makes me eat more than I should. I've gained a little bit, but now that my boyfriend is gone I can just not eat today to lose that little bit. I'm not going to post what I ate, because its repulsive. But it did include ice cream, tacos, and wine. 

     However, I did buy a dress this weekend. It's a body con dress, so I'm a little afraid to wear it out just yet, but a couple more pounds and it'll be perfect. So happy about that!

Lost More Weight

     I weighed in this morning at 118.6! I'm really happy. I want to get to 118.0 by Monday, but since my boyfriend is staying over, that might be difficult. We're going to Taco Bell later so I'm not eating until then if I can help it. He won't be here until 2 and he's eating before he comes. I thought about making an egg for breakfast, but then I decided that wouldn't be a good idea. I want to eat as little as possible before I see him and he tries to fatten me up.
     Also, since I lost weight [and its 100 degrees out] I decided to wear a skirt. I'm usually way to scared to wear skirts because I think my legs are fat, but I managed to do it and I even went to the bank with it on! I'm so proud of myself!
     I don't know what boyfriend plans on eating the rest of the weekend, and I'm scared. I'll try to keep you updated! I got the blogger app for my phone so I can just update from there! Yay!