Feeling Better

     Thanks for your kind words on my last post. It really means a lot that people actually care about me.
     So, I'm not feeling 100% better, but I was definitely less depressed than yesterday. I cried myself to sleep last night and when I woke up my boyfriend called me right away to make sure I was okay. I spent the day packing for school. I'm so excited now! I move in on Monday. I promise I will start making better posts once I move in! Everything has been so hectic.

I Don't Deserve Food

     Wow. I know. I've been a shitty blogger lately. I've just been so depressed. I haven't been replying to comments and I haven't been keeping up with people's blogs. I'm terrible. I spent today laying in bed and thinking of different ways to kill myself. I also made pasta [wtf] and ate half a container of cookies. Ew. But that was it. Because I don't deserve food. I'm too much of a shitty person. I don't deserve it.
     I keep gaining weight. I'm not exercising. I can't quit smoking. I crashed my car. I'm not packed for school. I'm basically just a failure.

Crumpled Car

     First off, I'd like to apologize for not posting for a while! I've been really busy and stressed out. And one of those reasons is because I crashed my car! Awesome.
     I was supposed to have a 10:30 doctor's appointment on Friday, but my brother broke his foot so my mom had to be around to drive him to his later appointment. She switched our appointments so that mine was at 3:30. I was really pissed because I was supposed to be doing all this fun stuff with my boyfriend. So at 3:00 I got into my car to go to the doctors and started backing out of the driveway and bam. I smashed into my boyfriend giant jeep. I had completely forgot that he was parked behind me. My car crumpled. One of my taillights in completely gone. My bumper is all smashed. My trunk is bent up. It sucks.
     So I don't have a car for the remainder of the summer. Which sucks. I've just been sitting at home and eating and crying and gaining weight and hating myself.

Partying with an ED

     On the rare occasion that I get invited to a party, and the even more rare occasion that I decide to go, I always have anxiety about it. Especially when it comes to calories. Parties are filled with calories. Pizza. Chips. Alcohol. It's a mess. I used to party a lot more when I was younger. And I've learned, the hard way, what to do and what not to do when it comes to partying when you have an ED.
     The number one rule: NEVER DRINK ON AN EMPTY STOMACH. I have done this so many times. And I've seen people recommending others to do this. It seems like a great idea, right? Save your calories for the day so you can get drunk with your friends. No. You will get drunk way too fast. You'll be the super sloppy drunk that no one likes. You will probably throw up, and you will run out of stuff to throw up and it will hurt. You have a higher chance of blacking out and that never ends well. But, most importantly, you will do major damage to your body. The alcohol will not be absorbed into any food. Your body will digest it faster and there will be very high concentrations in you liver. After awhile this can lead to permanent liver damage. So, before you drink, please please please eat something.
      Never feel pressured to drink. Not drinking alcohol is the best way to avoid liquid calories. Just drink diet soda all night or even make up a mock-tail. If people are pressuring you to drink, then those people suck. You don't need to drink to have fun.
     BYOB. Bring your own beer / beverage. When guys throw parties, they usually don't buy diet soda. It's full calorie beer and full calorie soda. I always bring my own drink. Then I know how much alcohol is it. I know how many calories are in it. I know that no one put drugs in it. I just feel so much better about the night. It also control how much I'll drink. This is a great option if you're not drinking too. Bring a soda and if someone offers you a beer, say you already have a drink. They usually assume it's alcoholic.
     Dance! This is the best way to avoid feeling the guilt of "I ate a meal and I'm drinking." I love dancing at parties. It's fun. You meet new people. And it burns calories! No more guilt about have a drink! The best part it that if you embarrass yourself, just play it off like you're really drunk.
     Have fun and be Safe. Parties are meant for people to have fun at, so enjoy yourself. But, remember to be safe. Use the buddy system. Keep track of how much you're drinking. Drink water in between drinks. Have safe way home (taxi, designated driver, walking). If you feel unsafe, don't be afraid to leave with your friends or ask someone to get you, even if it's your mom!

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 3

Last Weight: 124.4

Todays Weight: 124.6

Difference: +0.2

Last Goal: 122.4 by 8/21

Goal Met? No

New Goal: 122.8 by 8/28

     Another gain! No surprise there, because I'm a failure. All I've been doing is binging and being depressed and having panic attacks. I can't stand it. I woke up this morning and couldn't fit into my jeans, so I had to wear my "fat pants" which are usually super loose. Now they're not. What's really bothering me is that I'm seeing some of the people I used to be friends with this weekend. I want to be skinny to show them up. But, that's not going to happen. I'm planning on only eating 1 meal today, but tomorrow my dad is taking me to Wendy's. I hate feeling so fat.

Need a New Therapist

     So, I had my last EMDR session on Monday. [post about that here] I decided that I don't think that EMDR is right for me. It didn't really help much. Possibly because I have a very short attention span. And a bad memory. I don't know. All I know is that I need to find someone new. I have so many options, and it's really overwhelming.
     My first option is to see a counselor at school. I am going to pursue this first. I only saw one of the school counselors for a couple weeks, but she was very helpful. The woman that I saw before isn't at the school anymore. I'm kind of upset about this. That means telling my life story to another fucking person. The other problem is I'm not sure if the school does long term treatment. I want to be able to keep the same person all school year. Also, they don't really specialize in what I need, so that's another issue.
     My second option is to find an outside therapist. This is what I'll do if my school denies long term treatment. I hate trying to find a therapist. My first therapist was amazing, and I compare everyone to her. I want a female doctor. I want them to have a doctorate in the field. I want them to have a background with trauma / sexual abuse. I need them to accept my insurance. It's so much to ask for. A lot of the therapists around the area don't have a doctorate and most of them are social workers who also do counseling. I need more than that. I hop my school can give me a referral to a good doctor.
     The next option is that I might go back on medication. This means finding a psychiatrist. I'm not sure if it's exacltly what I want yet, but it's something I might have to do. I have'nt hurt myseld since I've been off my meds [10 months soon!] but maybe it was just those types or that combination that wasn't working for me. I hated my previous psychiatrist, which is why I haven't gone back to see one. Again, I'm hoping that my school can give me a referral.
     My other option is acupuncture and/or herbal remedies. My EMDR therapist suggested it to me, since I didn't like medication before. I looked into it, and it seems like it might be something good for me. However, it usually isn't covered by insurance and I'm poor. Also, most of the accupunturists in Boston aren't open to fit my schedule. I have class until 6 or 7 at night. So it's would be extremely hard to fit it into my schedule ontop of doing CBT therapy.
     This has really been bothering me all day. I'm sure that my school will be able to help, because they can't just say no to helping me and leave me with no where to go. I just need to not stress out about it. I can't do anything until I'm back in the city anyways. Wish me luck!

If you are looking for a therapist try this site or this site. And good luck to you too!

Stopping the Cycle

     So, these past couple weeks I've been on a huge binge cycle where I restrict all day until about 9PM and then eat to the point of almost vomiting, but I can't purge because my parents are always around. I feel huge. I feel so disgusting. I don't want to be seen like this. I was watching Supersize vs. Super Skinny last night [can be found here] and it just made me realize that if I keep eating this much, I'm going to get so huge. I know what I need to do, but I always think it'll be okay to have just a little bit of chips or just one cookie. But that never happens. I always lose control. I can't let myself do that anymore. And it used to be fine to do it, because I could just purge. Now with my parents and brother always around, I can't do that and I have to deal with all this high fat & high calorie food sitting in my stomach. So things I need to starts doing:

• Eat slower. I eat too fast and then don't feel full until I've already eaten a whole box of cookies..
• Keep track of how many pounds I want to lose. I'm going to write the number on my hand or wrist every day. It's less noticeable than a weight.Today's number is 25.
• Choose better foods. If I want chips, then have a rice cake. If I want cookies, then have some prunes. No one wants to binge on rice cakes! But I can still get the crunchiness. 
• Spend less time at my house. I need to make plans for the week so I'm not sitting at my house with nothing to do but go to food.
• Write more. I'm an emotional eater and I need to get my emotions out of me instead of stuffing food into myself.

     That's all I got for now. I'm so terrified of becoming fat. I need to get this under control. And I'm sorry that I make so many lists. It's an obsession!