My Story

     This page is just my life story, from beginning to present. Some of this may be triggering, so beware! If you have any questions about stuff, feel free to leave a comment or ask me on tumblr! Also, I'm sorry this is so damn long!

     Ages 0-7: I'd like to think that I grew up normal. Two parents, a younger brother, a house in the more rural suburbs. my mom said she knew I had anxiety when I was 2 years old, but who knows. I don't remember any problems starting until I was five. My parents had to work a lot so they put me in daycare. It was terrible. The kids made fun of me. Hurt me. Talked about sex all the time. Taught me how to swear. Told me they were going to kill my parents. Watched me pee. All when I was 5 years old. Well my babysitter got evicted and I started going to an after school program in first grade. It was all fine and dandy until some girl took the strap to her lunch box and wrapped it around my neck so I couldn't breathe. Then I got a knew baby sitter. Now, I didn't have a lot of friends. That's mainly because in kindergarten I didn't wear jeans, which were super popular in 1999. I was too skinny to fit into jeans and I wore leggings every day. No one liked me. In first grade my best friend moved away. In second grade my other best friend moved away. My new babysitter's kids made fun of me, but it was bearable.
     Ages 8-12: In 3rd grade, my teacher was evil. She would yell and call us stupid.She wouldn't let us leave to go to the bathroom and kids would always pee themselves and she'd make them sit in it. She threw a desk across the room. She tied a kid to a chair. She wouldn't let me go to the nurse and I threw up all over myself. I never hung with people outside of school. I was still having trouble with my babysitter. This is the first time I felt depressed. I used to cut myself on the hands with a finger nail clipper and say my cat got me. Things continued the same way as before. I wasn't challenged in school so I was constantly bored and felt surrounded by idiots. In 5th grade, when I was 10, my dad lost his job. It sucked because we had to cut way down on everything. I started Middleschool and I was making friends, but also getting bullied by my classmates all the time.
     Seventh & Eighth Grades: Seventh grade was the first sign of an eating disorder. I was sitting at my lunch table with my "friends." They were all talking about dieting and losing weight and exercising. It was something I had never thought about because I had always been so thin. I told them that I had a fudge-pop every day after school. Then they told me that I was going to get fat. I stopped eating school lunch. I stopped eating school lunch for 5 years. I was very depressed in seventh grade. I hated my life. Eighth grade was slightly better. I made some good friends, and even though the bullying was still happening, I was getting used to it. I thought high school was going to be a new beginning for me.
     Freshman & Sophomore Year: I got my first boyfriend the summer after eighth grade. I thought that I was so cool. We dated for four months until he forcibly shoved his fingers into my vagina and I broke up with him. High school was going fine. I thought that I was on top of the world. There was this guy that I was obsessed with and I told him how I felt and we started dating in March of 2009. You can read about that in this post. It all seemed so amazing at first, but it went downhill fast. I started cutting myself in April that year. It was only on the legs. I would make it look like scrapes and just tell people I fell. The cutting kept getting worse, but that boyfriend I had would threaten me whenever I told him I wanted to get help. I never hung out with the friends I had, because he wouldn't let me. He was the only person I had left in my life.
     Junior Year: The summer after sophomore year, I broke up with that guy, for reasons you can read about in the post I linked to. It was hard, but I finally got back into hanging out with my friends. I was fucked up. I was emotionally unstable. My brain was going crazy with suicidal thoughts. There was this one guy that I was friends with who really liked me. I was always clinging to him because I wanted to feel loved. We ended up having sex, which I only did because I couldn't live knowing that the last time I had had sex, I was raped. I had a panic attack. I was crying. I explained everything to him. I couldn't stop seeing my ex's face instead of his. I ended up liking a guy in one of my classes, so I told my friend it wouldn't work out. He flipped out. He told all our friends what happened between us. He called me a cunt. He then went on to spread rumors that I was a drug addict. All my friends hated me. I had no one. I started drinking all the time. I got down to my lowest weight. It was miserable. Then my friends realized that the guy was being a douche and started hanging out with me. My weight went right up to my highest. This is when I started therapy.
     Senior Year: That summer my friends decided that they were going to hang out with that guy again. And they ditched me all the time for him. The rumors got worse. They stopped being friends with me. I was so upset, but I tried to throw myself into school to get my mind away from it. I ended up meeting my two best friends, who were in the grade below me. I started dating a guy their age. Things were good. I was still getting bullied, but I stood up for myself and everything seemed okay.
     Freshman in College: The summer after senior year was crazy. Lots of drinking. Lots of pot. Lots of crazy. The guy I was dating broke up with me right before I left for college, but I was okay with it. I started college and things were okay. Then that recent ex tried to commit suicide and ended up in a mental hospital. It was so difficult to deal with. My grades went down the toilet. But, I met a great guy who I am currently dating. In March, my cousin died of a heroin overdose. My depressed came right back. And I've gone back into therapy.
     Here & Now: That brings us to here! Read my blog posts to see what's going on!