Plan for July

     Seeing as it's the last day of June, I thought that I'd post my diet / fitness plan for July. I'm trying to keep it as healthy as possible, which is difficult for me, but I know it will make me feel better overall.
     Diet Plan: I'm planning on starting the month eating 1200 calories a day. I need to be eating a healthy amount while I'm still recovering from Lyme Disease. If I'm not losing weight, then I will decrease my intake after I'm off antibiotics. I'm going to eat 3 meals a day and two snacks. Every meal will be planned. I'm also trying to incorporate more protein into my diet.
     Fitness Plan: I want to be working out 6 days a week. This is my main focus for the month. Since I'm going to be eating more than usual, I want to take this chance to work on building my muscles up. Monday is ab day. Tuesday is cardio. Wednesday is leg day. Thursday is cardio. Friday is arm day. Saturday is cardio. Sunday is rest day. The exercises I have planned are mostly beginner exercises. I'm really excited to start getting fit instead of skinny.
     I know it's going to be really hard.  I keep reminding myself that I need to eat and exercise in order to be happy and healthy. All I've wanted to do lately is purge, but I can't throw up my antibiotics. Planning my meals ahead really helps with not binging. I'm still having trouble with my night time emotional eating. I'm making sure I don't do that the entire July though. I'm excited.

Glasses and Doctors

     As I mentioned in yesterday's post I had to go back to the GP for a review of how I'm doing with Lyme disease and Bell's Palsy. Basically, nothing has changed. They told me that it's going to take a few more weeks at least for me to look normal again. My GP said that as long as I'm not getting any worse, then they're not worried about me. I come off Prednisone on Sunday, but I still have 2 more weeks of anti-biotics to take.
     Also, I got glasses yesterday! I still don't know how I feel about them. I'll post a pic maybe when my face is less crooked. It's amazing though. I didn't realize how poor my eyesight was until I put them on. Everything was so crisp! I don't need to wear them all the time, because I only need them for distance, so I don't have to wear them at work, which is nice. I'm just really happy to be able to see!!

Baby Steps I Guess?

     Yesterday wasn't all that bad. I mean I binged... but it happens. Sigh. I'm working on it. I totaled at about 1484 calories. It was 867 before my binge. That's a 617 calorie binge. Gross. I mean 1/3 of it was alcohol. Woops. I went out with Romeo last night and decided I wanted to drink the whiskey I had in my purse for the past 2 weeks. And then I had a glass of Chardonnay (and he had the rest of the bottle). I was a little tipsy and when I got home I went straight for the fridge. I just shoved my face full of bread and cheese.
     But there is a positive side!! I ate healthy the rest of the day. Egg whites for breakfast. Greek yogurt for snack. Flat bread tofurkey sandwich and fruit for lunch. Baby carrots for snack. A veggie burger and veggies for dinner. I love making my own food. I think it's part of my control issues. I also exercised yesterday. I did a short morning workout and then 2 sets of my leg workout. I am sore today!! But it feels really good.
     I'm also in a really good mood today. Starting my day with a meal and a workout really makes a difference. I also want to start adding in a little bit of yoga to my daily routine. Hanging out with Romeo also helped me feel better. He's been really nice with the whole "my face is fucked up looking" thing.
     I'm going back to see my GP today so they can monitor my Lyme and Bell's recovery. My dad wants me to get an MRI and see a neurologist, but I really don't want to. I'd like to stay as far away from the hospital as possible. If my GP wants me to see a specialist then I will, but I don't think there's really much they can do for me.

Goals for the Week

     Instead of doing a weigh-in today, I'm just going to make a list of goals for the week. I don't want to look at my weight because I need to be worrying about my health more than how I look. Also, the drugs I'm on for my Bell's Palsy are making me very emotional and I don't need anymore stress. So, goals for the week so that I can weigh-in next week!

• Eat balanced. I don't want to restrict while I'm still trying to beat Lyme disease. So I want to eat healthy and balanced. 3 meals a day and 2 snacks, roughly around 1200 calories. I usually do really well until night time. Then I get bored and stressed out. I need to find other things to do at night!!
• Back to Exercise! I'm starting my exercise routine back up again. I'm limiting running though because it bothers my eye. I'm going to start my weight lifting back up though now that I'm starting to get more energy.
• Earlier mornings! I've actually been doing pretty well with waking up earlier. A little exercise in the morning definitely helps and so does playing with my cat. 
• More positive thinking. I'm thinking about printing out some positive quotes and hanging them up or putting little notes places to try to help myself be more positive. I haven't been in therapy in 2 months and it's getting hard, but with only 2 months left of summer, I don't want to bother.

     That's it for now. I'm trying to get healthy again and get my energy back still. I stop the Prednisone the end of this week, so hopefully my mood will improve after that!!

Hospital, Ticks, and Bell's

     Well I guess on the plus side, I don't have TMJ. I have Lyme disease.
     After visiting the doctor and the dentist, they both confirmed that I had TMJ and that there was nothing to do until the pain went away. Then, last Saturday I go out of the shower and saw that a bite, that I assumed was from a mosquito, had a red ring around it. I knew that that was a sign of Lyme disease. So off the the ER I went.
     I fucking hate hospitals and the doctor I had was a huge prick. He was jabbing at my leg, where the bite is, with needles and it fucking hurt so bad. He was like "I don't think you really have Lyme." They took a blood test and sent me on my way. Still in pain in my jaw.
     Monday I woke up and went to wash my face. Soap got into my right eye. I couldn't close it. I looked in the mirror and realized that half my face was paralyzed. I went back to the doctor's on Wednesday. Right before I went, the hospital called me and told me that I did in fact have Lyme disease. I saw my GP and they told me that I had Bell's Palsy, which was caused by the Lyme disease. For those of you who don't know, Bell's Palsy is the paralyzation of one side of the face caused by nerve damage. My GP said that it could go away in a couple of weeks, but may also take up to six months! I was put on a course of steroids (Prednisone) as well as antibiotics for the Lyme disease.
     I have been so depressed by this. My face is so awful looking. I'm constantly hungry and moody because of the steroids. I don't know how long this is going to last, but I hope it goes away soon.
     My dad is also pissed because I was misdiagnosed and if they had asked if I had a tick bite the first time I went to the doctors, then they might have been able to prevent my face from becoming paralyzed.
     I haven't been to work in a week and a half. I have to go to the eye doctor tomorrow and then back to the GP Thursday. I'm going back to work on Tuesday, so I'll try to update more.
    Also, one more thing, FUCK HOSPITALS. I literally had a panic attack in the ER because I feel like I live in a doctor's office.

6/11 Intake

Morning Snack:

Croissant -  200

Lunch:

Yogurt - 80

Bun - 120

Dinner:

Ice Cream - 150

Total: 550

     Hey, thanks TMJ for not letting me eat anything. Yeah that half a croissant I had took me 90 minutes to eat. The only reason why I got the ice cream was because I was on a date and I was in so much fucking pain so I had him get me an ice cream before he brought me home. It's weird though, because I'm not even hungry. I've actually been pretty nauseous and I think it's caused by either the pain or the amount of pain killers I've been shoveling down. I feel awful today and everyone at work is trying to convince me to go home.

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 8

Last Weight: 115.4

Todays Weight: 117.6

Difference:+2.2

Last Goal: 114.4

Goal Met? No

New Goal: 115.6 by 6/18

     I fucking gained and I'm pissed. I know it's probably just water weight or from drinking so much beer this weekend. I actually 100% blame all the alcohol I drank. I drank Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, and this most recent Sunday. 7/8 days. Fuck. However, now it's Wednesday and I haven't had a drink since Sunday afternoon. I'm proud of myself. This week I'm not going to drink as much alcohol and I'm also going to barely eat because oh hey, TMJ. I can barely open my mouth to get food in and the pain is making me nauseous. Awesome... Well at least I know that I'll lose weight..

Consequences of my ED

     So every now and then I like to may a post about how my eating disorder has negatively affected my life. I do this to show that eating disorders are not something to be desired. They are a serious illness.
     Recently I was at the doctors for my recently diagnosed TMJ. I am in so much pain from this! It's horrible. I decided to look up to see if it was related to my ED, and guess what? It probably is. I found a list on this website that shows the consequences related to having an eating disorder. I'm going to list which ones have affected me personally.

• Amenorrhea - loss of menstrual cycle. 

• Cramps, bloating, constipation, diarrhea, incontinence

• Dehydration - caused by lack of intake of fluids in the body. (Hospitalized for this numerous times)

• Depression - mood swings and depression caused by physiological factors such as electrolyte imbalances, hormone and vitamin deficiencies, malnutrition and dehydration.

• Dry Skin and Hair, Brittle Hair and Nails, Hair Loss - caused by Vitamin and Mineral deficiencies, malnutrition and dehydration

• Acid Reflux Disorders

• Iron Deficiency, Anemia - this makes the oxygen transporting units within the blood useless and can lead to fatigue, shortness of breath, increased infections, and heart palpitations

• Kidney Infection - Vitamin Deficiencies, dehydration, infection and low blood pressure increase the risks of and associated with kidney infection. (Hospitalized for Kidney infection in January)  
• Muscle Atrophy - wasting away of muscle and decrease in muscle mass due to the body feeding off of itself.

• Orthostatic Hypotension - sudden drop in blood pressure upon sitting up or standing. Symptoms include dizziness, blurred vision, passing out, heart pounding and headaches. (Hospitalized for a few times)

• TMJ "Syndrome" - degenerative arthritis within the tempero-mandibular joint in the jaw. Vitamin deficiencies and teeth grinding (often related to stress) can both be causes. 

• Weakness and Fatigue - caused generalized poor eating habits, electrolyte imbalances, vitamin and mineral deficiencies, depression, malnutrition, heart problems.

     I'm almost crying right now after reading this list. I can't lead a normal life because of my ED. Along will all of these physical illnesses, I also suffer from many mental issues related to my ED. These include low self-esteem, anxiety, self-hate. It's something I struggle with every day.
     I make posts like these because this is the reality of eating disorders. I see too many blogs on here telling girls how to starve themselves, and saying that "ana" will make them beautiful. No. It won't. It makes you sick. It puts you in hospitals. Constant doctors visits. Missing out on things because you're too weak. Doing poorly in school because you're always in the hospital instead of class. It is not beautiful.

First Beach Weekend

So, I'm going to the beach this weekend, and I'm terrified. I haven't been working out at all because my lungs have been shit. I'm also terrified because I'm going with R and he's so gorgeous and I'm so bleck. I don't know. I'm gunna wear my bathing suit and probably a sun dress over it. I hope it's fun.

I Hate Boys

     Okay, not really.. but they're so aggravating! I don't have a boyfriend right now.. But I am, I guess you could say I'm "involved" with two different guys. One guy is R, who I mentioned in this post, and he is actually my ex-boyfriend. The other guy, whom I've nicknamed Romeo, as mentioned in this post, I met because my best friend was trying to get with him. Isn't this already wonderful.
     Romeo. I've nicknamed him that because the two of use have a running joke that we're modern day Romeo and Juliet and we're madly in love and going to kill ourselves together. 100% a joke. He's cute and he's funny and he's sweet and a sucker for romance and horror movies and he likes to read. But he's a bum and not going anywhere in life. And that's kind of a let down. I really like him though. We're both cynical fucks and we drink a lot and love serial killers. And you know what, I'd totally make him my boyfriend.. if it weren't for R.
     R. What can I say. I'm head over heels madly in love with this guy. And I couldn't even tell you why. We dated for 3 months. He broke up with me when school ended. I was devastated, but we started talking again a week after. He is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met, both inside and out. Last time I saw him he said "we aren't gunna label things." Well, what does that mean? Can we see other people? Are we monogamous? What's going on? People label things for a reason.
     I'm seeing both of them this weekend. Romeo on Friday and R on Saturday. I haven't seen Romeo since last night. I haven't seen R in 3 weeks. I'm going to be scrambling around and sleep deprived yet again this week. Ugh. What am I even doing with my life.

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 7

Last Weight: 116.6

Todays Weight: 115.4

Difference: -1.2

Last Goal: 115.6

Goal Met? Yes

New Goal: 114.4 by 6/11

     This week has been weird. Lots of not sleeping. Really poor eating. All weekend I kind of... forgot to eat. I didn't do it on purpose; it was just something I didn't think of. Friday night I went over this guys house, we'll call him Romeo. I felt nervous going over there so I didn't want to eat anything before. And then I didn't want to eat anything in front of him either. I did have 5 non-light beers though, so I classified that as dinner. It was enough calories to be! 

     Then Saturday  I was supposed to get up early and get my nails done and then drive to Providence to see my friends. But Romeo didn't let me leave his place until noon. I scrambled around at my house for clothes and then spent the next 4 hours in a car. We were going to a show in Provi and I forgot to eat all day. The first thing I ate that day was at 11PM after the show at our friend's house. I had a hamburger bun. And only because I almost pulled my signature move of blacking out in the front row of the show. #fail

     Sunday I had a donut and pizza because I was with my friends. The pizza I pulled everything off of and just ate the bread. I also had about 6 glasses of wine.

     Basically I've just been consuming all of my calories in alcohol. But that's nothing new here....