I Hate Boys

     Okay, not really.. but they're so aggravating! I don't have a boyfriend right now.. But I am, I guess you could say I'm "involved" with two different guys. One guy is R, who I mentioned in this post, and he is actually my ex-boyfriend. The other guy, whom I've nicknamed Romeo, as mentioned in this post, I met because my best friend was trying to get with him. Isn't this already wonderful.
     Romeo. I've nicknamed him that because the two of use have a running joke that we're modern day Romeo and Juliet and we're madly in love and going to kill ourselves together. 100% a joke. He's cute and he's funny and he's sweet and a sucker for romance and horror movies and he likes to read. But he's a bum and not going anywhere in life. And that's kind of a let down. I really like him though. We're both cynical fucks and we drink a lot and love serial killers. And you know what, I'd totally make him my boyfriend.. if it weren't for R.
     R. What can I say. I'm head over heels madly in love with this guy. And I couldn't even tell you why. We dated for 3 months. He broke up with me when school ended. I was devastated, but we started talking again a week after. He is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met, both inside and out. Last time I saw him he said "we aren't gunna label things." Well, what does that mean? Can we see other people? Are we monogamous? What's going on? People label things for a reason.
     I'm seeing both of them this weekend. Romeo on Friday and R on Saturday. I haven't seen Romeo since last night. I haven't seen R in 3 weeks. I'm going to be scrambling around and sleep deprived yet again this week. Ugh. What am I even doing with my life.

Crumpled Car

     First off, I'd like to apologize for not posting for a while! I've been really busy and stressed out. And one of those reasons is because I crashed my car! Awesome.
     I was supposed to have a 10:30 doctor's appointment on Friday, but my brother broke his foot so my mom had to be around to drive him to his later appointment. She switched our appointments so that mine was at 3:30. I was really pissed because I was supposed to be doing all this fun stuff with my boyfriend. So at 3:00 I got into my car to go to the doctors and started backing out of the driveway and bam. I smashed into my boyfriend giant jeep. I had completely forgot that he was parked behind me. My car crumpled. One of my taillights in completely gone. My bumper is all smashed. My trunk is bent up. It sucks.
     So I don't have a car for the remainder of the summer. Which sucks. I've just been sitting at home and eating and crying and gaining weight and hating myself.

Camping is the New Hell

     So, I made this post about how I was going camping this past weekend. And I wasn't looking forward to it. And guess what, it was as bad, if not worse, than I expected. I realized a few things this weekend. I never want a dog. I'm claustrophobic. And I hate my boyfriend's step-dad.
     This guy is a homophobic misogynistic prick. The first thing that bothered me was that he kept making fun of me for being a vegetarian. Saying I didn't get enough protein and it was making my brain fail. I was mad. Then, a lesbian couple and their kids moved into the campsite next to us. All he did was call them "stupid fat dykes" and say "why do they allow people like that to have kids?" I was pissed. Then I wanted to roast marshmallows over the fire. "Okay go buy some sticks." I was like "We can just break a stick off of a tree." His reply? " That's fucking disgusting! There's bugs on those!" Dude, we're fucking camping. So we bought wooden sticks that were made in a factory in China. Then the lesbian couple was cooking food in tin foil over the fire. "That's so nasty. Why would you do that!?" Uhm, did you forget, WE'RE CAMPING. Made fun of me for eating a lot. Told me I couldn't do anything right because I was a woman. Kept asking me if I was high. Said my family was messed up. Complained about not being able to get the cable tv to work (yes while camping). Then when I fixed it, told me it couldn't have been me who fixed it because I'm a woman. All they had planned for us to do was sit around watching tv.
     I almost stabbed someone.
     I'm never going fucking camping with them again. And I gained weight probably. Because I was so pissed so all I did was eat. I should've stayed home. It was so bad.

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 2

Last Weight: 122.4

Todays Weight: 124.4

Difference: +2.0

Last Goal: 120.4 by 8/14

Goal Met? No

New Goal: 122.4 by 8/21

     I'm so pissed at myself. I haven't weighed this much in over 2 years. I am disgusted by this number. I keep blaming the gain on quitting smoking and being stressed out. But there is no one to blame but myself. I lost control. And I need to get that control back.

      So, what's the plan? Obviously what I'm doing isn't working, so new plan. I lowered my calorie allowance to 500 net calories a day. I have to jog 2 times a week for 30 minutes while I'm still working. When I go back to school, it has to be 3 times a week. I must walk 10,000 steps a day at least on work days. Food that I can have whenever will be fruits and vegetables. Food that is limited is beans, rice cakes, low fat dairy, avocado, quinoa. Food that is off limits except when I have no choice: bread, rice, junk food. yes this means putting my bagel thins in the freezer until I can control myself.

     I need to regain control of my diet, my weight, and my life. My goal is to be 117 lbs by the time school starts. Wish me luck!

3 Years to the Day

     So, I don't know if you remember, but about a week and a half ago my ex came over. If you don't remember, read this and this. Ever since that happened, I've been feeling like shit. I've been smoking a lot again. I've been eating all the time. Non-stop crying. Well, this weekend I was with my boyfriend and I was thinking about my life and trying to figure out what was bothering me. Then it just hit me.
     My ex had come over on July 24th. I looked in my calander on my phone and went all the way back to 2010. On July 24th. And hey, guess what? That was the day that stupid fucker raped me.
     I'm so pissed. I can't believe he would fucking do that. Come to my house after 3 fucking years. I've been trying to hard to just forget that it all happened and now I can't. I'm repressing my emotions again. I'm disasociating all the time. I want to kill him.
     I'm so incredibly frustrated and I just really don't know what to do. I can't talk to anyone about it because no one understands and I'm sick of crying to my boyfriend. I'm sorry I've been such a mess lately. I hope that I'll be okay soon. <3

Something's Wrong

     I don't even want to talk about what I ate today. I had a nice healthy dinner planned. Mushrooms, onions, and an egg. Then I added some beans and corn. I ate it and I thought I would be done. But then I couldn't even control myself from eating one of everything in our junk cabinet. This happened at 6:30 pm. It's 11pm and I still feel like I'm going to vomit. I didn't want to purge, so I went out with my friend for a while. I hate myself and I have no control. 

     I think I'm repressing my feelings. I've had a huge problem with this my whole life. It's led to various eating problems and also my self harm problem. I hide my feelings so much that I don't even know what's bothering me. But something is. I've so disconnected and I can't control my eating and my bowels are fucked over but I can't do laxatives because I'm driving to my boyfriends tomorrow. 

     I can't put a finger to what's bothering me. And I'm thinking so hard, but I just don't know what. I hate my therapist. I decided that. I lied and told her I couldn't see her the last week in August. So now we only have 2 more appointments. I want to go back and see a counselor at school. They're much more helpful. They want me to get a full psych evaluation at a near by hospital. Ill probably do that some Friday after class. 

     I hate my brother. He's a loser. He's going no where in life. I'm such a perfectionist that its embarrassing to say that I'm related to him. He's a jerk. He's 17 and still thinks that he can be famous. Grow up and decide what you really want to do with your life. 

     I'm hoping that this weekend with my boyfriend will make me feel a little better. Even writing this out I feel better, so thanks for listening. The only time I feel happy is when I'm with him and right after I go jogging. Gunna try to go for a jog in the morning before the long drive. Ill answer any comments from today in the morning. Hope all is well. Stay strong. Stay beautiful. Stay safe. <3