Weekend of Eating Too Much

     I hate holidays because they always revolve around food. Especially ones like the Fourth of July where it's all cookouts and booze. Ugh.
     Thursday, I ate way too much at my work's cookout. All junk food too. Mostly cookies. So then I decided I wasn't going to eat dinner. But I wanted to get ridiculously drunk. So Romeo bought me a bottle of Bacardi and me, him, and my best friend went to the carnival and drank and went on rides. Then we went to McDonald's and I was trashed and thought french fries sounded like a great idea. Then we were going to a party and some kids tried to jump us but ... we were in a car... and they were on foot... Romeo pulled a knife on them. So what do they do? Throw a bottle of Hennessy into our car. So I drank that too. I was pretty wasted.
     Friday I was like "I'm not gunna eat" but then I took my antibiotics on an empty stomach and I was in horrible pain for 2 hours. I decided too take my best friend out to lunch and got a 1860 calorie meal. Ew. It was pouring rain all day so most festivities were canceled. I had made plans to stay at Romeo's. I wasn't going to eat the rest of the day but we ended up getting pizza at like 9:30 PM. And I had the rest of the Bacardi. And beer.
     Saturday I wasn't going to eat a lot because I had planned on going to R's. However, he broke his fucking phone and I couldn't get a hold of him until later in the day, where he pushed our plans back by 3 hours. I stayed home and just ate food all day with my mom. She made tuna and pasta salad. So. Much. Mayonnaise. Then I finally drove to see R. But guess what. We ended up at Burger King later that night, where I stuffed my face.
     In the morning (by morning I mean noon) he took me out for breakfast and it was so delicious and cute that I didn't care about the calories. I didn't eat again until dinner, but then I totally binged on everything in my house. Ew.
     This upcoming Saturday is my last day on antibiotics. After that I'm going to start restricting again. I miss the hungry feeling.

I Hate Boys

     Okay, not really.. but they're so aggravating! I don't have a boyfriend right now.. But I am, I guess you could say I'm "involved" with two different guys. One guy is R, who I mentioned in this post, and he is actually my ex-boyfriend. The other guy, whom I've nicknamed Romeo, as mentioned in this post, I met because my best friend was trying to get with him. Isn't this already wonderful.
     Romeo. I've nicknamed him that because the two of use have a running joke that we're modern day Romeo and Juliet and we're madly in love and going to kill ourselves together. 100% a joke. He's cute and he's funny and he's sweet and a sucker for romance and horror movies and he likes to read. But he's a bum and not going anywhere in life. And that's kind of a let down. I really like him though. We're both cynical fucks and we drink a lot and love serial killers. And you know what, I'd totally make him my boyfriend.. if it weren't for R.
     R. What can I say. I'm head over heels madly in love with this guy. And I couldn't even tell you why. We dated for 3 months. He broke up with me when school ended. I was devastated, but we started talking again a week after. He is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met, both inside and out. Last time I saw him he said "we aren't gunna label things." Well, what does that mean? Can we see other people? Are we monogamous? What's going on? People label things for a reason.
     I'm seeing both of them this weekend. Romeo on Friday and R on Saturday. I haven't seen Romeo since last night. I haven't seen R in 3 weeks. I'm going to be scrambling around and sleep deprived yet again this week. Ugh. What am I even doing with my life.

Rough Lately

     Things have been pretty rough lately. I skipped all my classes yesterday because I was feeling very suicidal. I felt better today. My counselor at school wasn't in this week so that sucks a lot. I ate a lot the past two days. I'm a failure.

Crumpled Car

     First off, I'd like to apologize for not posting for a while! I've been really busy and stressed out. And one of those reasons is because I crashed my car! Awesome.
     I was supposed to have a 10:30 doctor's appointment on Friday, but my brother broke his foot so my mom had to be around to drive him to his later appointment. She switched our appointments so that mine was at 3:30. I was really pissed because I was supposed to be doing all this fun stuff with my boyfriend. So at 3:00 I got into my car to go to the doctors and started backing out of the driveway and bam. I smashed into my boyfriend giant jeep. I had completely forgot that he was parked behind me. My car crumpled. One of my taillights in completely gone. My bumper is all smashed. My trunk is bent up. It sucks.
     So I don't have a car for the remainder of the summer. Which sucks. I've just been sitting at home and eating and crying and gaining weight and hating myself.

3 Years to the Day

     So, I don't know if you remember, but about a week and a half ago my ex came over. If you don't remember, read this and this. Ever since that happened, I've been feeling like shit. I've been smoking a lot again. I've been eating all the time. Non-stop crying. Well, this weekend I was with my boyfriend and I was thinking about my life and trying to figure out what was bothering me. Then it just hit me.
     My ex had come over on July 24th. I looked in my calander on my phone and went all the way back to 2010. On July 24th. And hey, guess what? That was the day that stupid fucker raped me.
     I'm so pissed. I can't believe he would fucking do that. Come to my house after 3 fucking years. I've been trying to hard to just forget that it all happened and now I can't. I'm repressing my emotions again. I'm disasociating all the time. I want to kill him.
     I'm so incredibly frustrated and I just really don't know what to do. I can't talk to anyone about it because no one understands and I'm sick of crying to my boyfriend. I'm sorry I've been such a mess lately. I hope that I'll be okay soon. <3

Something's Wrong

     I don't even want to talk about what I ate today. I had a nice healthy dinner planned. Mushrooms, onions, and an egg. Then I added some beans and corn. I ate it and I thought I would be done. But then I couldn't even control myself from eating one of everything in our junk cabinet. This happened at 6:30 pm. It's 11pm and I still feel like I'm going to vomit. I didn't want to purge, so I went out with my friend for a while. I hate myself and I have no control. 

     I think I'm repressing my feelings. I've had a huge problem with this my whole life. It's led to various eating problems and also my self harm problem. I hide my feelings so much that I don't even know what's bothering me. But something is. I've so disconnected and I can't control my eating and my bowels are fucked over but I can't do laxatives because I'm driving to my boyfriends tomorrow. 

     I can't put a finger to what's bothering me. And I'm thinking so hard, but I just don't know what. I hate my therapist. I decided that. I lied and told her I couldn't see her the last week in August. So now we only have 2 more appointments. I want to go back and see a counselor at school. They're much more helpful. They want me to get a full psych evaluation at a near by hospital. Ill probably do that some Friday after class. 

     I hate my brother. He's a loser. He's going no where in life. I'm such a perfectionist that its embarrassing to say that I'm related to him. He's a jerk. He's 17 and still thinks that he can be famous. Grow up and decide what you really want to do with your life. 

     I'm hoping that this weekend with my boyfriend will make me feel a little better. Even writing this out I feel better, so thanks for listening. The only time I feel happy is when I'm with him and right after I go jogging. Gunna try to go for a jog in the morning before the long drive. Ill answer any comments from today in the morning. Hope all is well. Stay strong. Stay beautiful. Stay safe. <3

Wifi-less and a Lunch Date

     My mom decided that today was going to be a wifi-less day, so I'm posting this from my phone. She thinks we spend too much time on the Internet. And this is so true. 

     I weighed myself today, now that my period is almost over. 118.2! I'm really happy about this. I've been emotionally eating all week and I thought that I gained 100 pounds from it. But I didn't!

     So I woke up today, and my mom was making French toast. I managed to get out of eating it by pretending I was still asleep. But then after that my friend texted me asking me to go out to lunch with her. She has a bunch of my stuff so I need to get it from her so I agreed to go. She kept suggesting all these super fattening places that I really didn't want to go. I suggested we go to Applebee's because they have a weight watchers section of their menu. She said sure but were not going until later, which gives me an excuse to skip dinner! 

     Last nights concert was really fun by the way. I had a blast even though my family was kind of bothering me. 

Steve Miller and the Beach

     I'm a huge beach junkie and I haven't been to the ocean all summer. Since I've been extremely depressed lately, my mom decided we'd go visit my aunt's beach house. It's not the ocean, but it's still nice. I got a sunburn. Mom didn't pack me any food, so all I ate was a cereal bar (90). It was a fun time and when you're out in the sun you don't really think about food that much. Mom ordered pizza for early dinner and I had a couple slices, but I don't feel too guilty about it because it's all I ate today.
     In a couple minutes I'll be leaving to go see Steve Miller Band tonight! I'm super excited. I hope that it's a lot of fun, even though I'm going with my family. Plus, dancing and jumping around at concerts burns a ton of calories. I'll post more tomorrow when I have free time. Hope you all are doing well! <3

All About You-Know-Who [trigger warning - rape]

     So, I know I haven't posted much about my personal life, because in all honesty, my personal life is pathetic. However, in yesterday's post I mentioned that there was once a guy in my life who was pretty bad/ But I wrote that while I was on a  bunch of Ativan so I'm just going to write out the whole story.
     My parents have these friends that they used to hang out with and party with all the time untl they got old and has kids. my parents had me and they're friends had "John". John would always pick on me when I was little. Of course I had been taught that when boys are mean to you, that means they like you. So developed a huge crush on him. He was 2 1/2 years older than me, and I thought that was great. I thought he was going to be my prince charming. 
     After obsessing over him for years and years and years, he got into a really bad accident and also died. I was 14 and he was 17. I decided I needed to tell him how I felt before time was up. He recovered [mostly] from the accident and we started dating. I thought that this was my fairy tale. It seemed like all my dreams had come true.
     As soon as we started dating he told me I couldn't talk to any guys unless it was for school. At the time, my two best friends were guys, but buh-bye to them. Because I was in love so that's all that matters.
     Then he started telling me how to dress. I like to wear skinny jeans, but he demanded that I wore flare jeans and low cut tops. He wouldn't go out with me unless I had make-up on. But I listened to him because he was "the one."
     I lost my virginity to him, two weeks before I turned 15. I told him I wanted to wait until I was 16, but he kept saying that he couldn't wait and he would leave me if I didn't have sex with him. it wasn't great sex. He just went til he was done and didn't care about what I wanted. But I thought that's how sex was supposed to be
     Then he started talking to my new best friends, "Jen". She acted really slutty, but she was a virgin. The three of us would have out, but then I found out he was hanging out with her alone. She showed me messages between them on AIM where he would say "Hey sexy (;" I even found one of her shirts in his closest. He denied all the accusations I made, saying Jen was a liar, so I stayed with him and lost another friend.
     The name calling came next. We would fight every night, usually over something that he wanted to control, like what he didn't want me listening to certain bands and reading certian books or watching certain TV shows. He called me a bitch, a slut, a whore, a cunt. He told me I was fat and I needed to lsoe weight. He told me that if I ever got over 120lbs he would break up with me. I cried every night.
     John thought that pain was funny. He'd hit me, not hard enough to leave a bruise, and then laugh, because hitting your girlfriend is funny, right? One time he choked me in between his hands, just to see what would happen.
     I had a pregnancy scare when I was 16 and he was 18. I missed my period, and later realized it was because I had stopped eating. John told me that he wouldn't let me get an abortion, like I had wanted. He said we would keep the baby and raise it ourselves. He took me out to a lame restraunt at the mall and porposed to me. When I said no, I didn't want to, I was too young, he started causing a scene. He yelled "You're a dumb fucking cunt! I hope the baby dies! You disgust me!"
     I me made up and I apologized for upsetting him. I told him that I didn't think that we should have sex for a while. I said I was too young. I didn't want to get pregnant. He said no. He said we would continue to have sex.
     {TW}A couple days from then, we were at my house, my parents were outside. We started making out on my couch. He tried to take my clothes off. I said no. I tried again, but didn't listen when I said no. He turned my away from him and grabbed my hands. He proceeded to rape me. I cried and told him to stop over and over again, but he didn't until he was satisfied. I ran to to bathroom after and cried. I was bleeding and it hurt. When I came home he said "are you happy?". I shook my head no and he laughed. I'll never forget was he said next. "As your boyfriend, it's my RIGHT to have sex with you."
     After this I had to go to the doctors because I was peeing blood anf the doctor said it was caused by "some unknown vaginal trauma." I told John and he tought this was great.
     We stayed together for another week, because it was my dad's birthday and his family was coming over. After that I broke up with him, and that the the strongest thing that I've ever done. I still see him from time to time and it kills me. He's almost 22 now and he's having a baby with a girl my age. I hate him and I hate what he's done to me. I can't remember a lot of oour relationship, but I surpress memories. But then I get punched in the face with a flashback.

I'm high and life sucks

     So, I got home from work today and I was all excited to make a yumy dinner and do my chores. But when I pulled in the driveway, there was a big white van there. It look familiar. I walked inside and look out the widow to the backyard. And he was there. The guy who raped me. 

     Instant panic attack. My heart was pounding so hard. I felt that there was no way out. My life was over. 

     I called my boyfriend and he told me that I just needed to get out of there. My friends were going on a sunset cruise so they picked me up and brought me to Plymouth where me and this other girl just walked around and talked. I took 4 Ativan and bought a pack of cigarettes. I'm still pretty fucked up. I can barely type.

     I'm so depressed. I don't even know what to do. Why can't I get him out of my life? He doesn't even understand what he's done to me. It drives me nuts. I can't even think about this anymore. I want to go home and cry. I wish my parents were here. I wish that I was in my dorm where he can't find me. I'm a mess. Help me. 

EMDR

     So for the past couple months I've been going through EMDR. If you don't know, EMDR stands for eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. It's mainly used for people with PTSD and other people who have been through traumatic experiences. What basically happens is you watch these lights go back and forth while either holding pulsars in your hands or wearing headphones that beep. While you do this you have to think about stuff that happened in your life and blah blah blah all that therapy crap. The machine that my therapist has looks like this :

 

     It's a really weird thing. Some days I feel that it works, and some days I think that it does absolutely nothing. When you're watching the lights, it sometimes feels like you're lucid dreaming. Other times I get bored and tend to just watch the clock. We haven't tackled the actual serious trauma that I went through, which I'll talk about at a later date, and we won't have time to. I'm going to stop the EMDR when I go back to school and do CBT [cognitive behavioral therapy] instead.
     Has anyone ever done EMDR therapy? If you have, what have your experiences been like? I'd love to know!

That Time

     Of course the week that my family is away and I can eat whatever I please, I'm scheduled to get my period. I'm so pissed. Whenever I get my period I make the mistake of weighing myself. My weight always spikes because of bloating and such. PLUS I get cravings for everything and it's just so unpleasant.
     This all depends on if I even get my period. Because of my frequent weight changes, I never know if I'm going to get my period or not. If I've been restricting a lot, then I probably won't get it. Some people might think that this is awesome. Sign that you're getting skinny plus not period, awesome, right? No. First I always freak out that I'm pregnant and I have to go out buy/steal some pregnancy tests. Even if they come out negative I still get paranoid about it. Also, I get really scared that I could become infertile, as this occurs very frequently in women with eating disorders. Then if I do get my period, I feel fat and eat a ton of cookies and get really emotional. It overall just sucks.

This Weeks Plan

     So my parents are on vacation this week, so I can basically eat [or not eat] whatever I want. It's going to be exciting and challenging. I have a hard time keeping in control, but hopefully with my mom not bugging me I will be able to stay calm and lose some weight! So I'm just going to type out a rough outline of this weeks plan:
Monday: No Breakfast. I'll have a big lunch of probably half a sandwich, some salad, cottage cheese, and apple sauce. No dinner. I can have a cereal bar before therapy if I really have one. I'll keep from eating dinner by cleaning and then going to bed early.
Tuesday: Normal Breakfast to make up for not eating dinner. A small lunch of probably just a salad and some apple sauce. Dinner will be homemade low-cal soup. I might take a long walk after work to burn calories.
Wednesday: No breakfast. I might make tea to keep me full. Lunch of a salad, apple sauce, and cottage cheese. Dinner will be light. Probably roasted tomatoes and mushrooms.
Thursday: Cereal bar breakfast. Light lunch of salad and apple sauce. Dinner will be soup and I might have a small snack while watching project runway!
Friday: I'm not sure what time my parents will be coming home, but I won't eat breakfast.
     I'm hoping to get down to 116 lbs by next Monday but who knows. I'm just trying to stick with this diet plan and not binge. I'm scared that I will binge on Thursday, because that's the day that I watch TV and it's right next to the kitchen so it's really easy to just sit there and eat 3000 calories worth of chips and cookies and ice cream. Wish me luck!

Weekend with my Boyfriend

     I over ate. I knew that I would. He makes me eat more than I should. I've gained a little bit, but now that my boyfriend is gone I can just not eat today to lose that little bit. I'm not going to post what I ate, because its repulsive. But it did include ice cream, tacos, and wine. 

     However, I did buy a dress this weekend. It's a body con dress, so I'm a little afraid to wear it out just yet, but a couple more pounds and it'll be perfect. So happy about that!

Lost More Weight

     I weighed in this morning at 118.6! I'm really happy. I want to get to 118.0 by Monday, but since my boyfriend is staying over, that might be difficult. We're going to Taco Bell later so I'm not eating until then if I can help it. He won't be here until 2 and he's eating before he comes. I thought about making an egg for breakfast, but then I decided that wouldn't be a good idea. I want to eat as little as possible before I see him and he tries to fatten me up.
     Also, since I lost weight [and its 100 degrees out] I decided to wear a skirt. I'm usually way to scared to wear skirts because I think my legs are fat, but I managed to do it and I even went to the bank with it on! I'm so proud of myself!
     I don't know what boyfriend plans on eating the rest of the weekend, and I'm scared. I'll try to keep you updated! I got the blogger app for my phone so I can just update from there! Yay!

Quitting Smoking

     I've decided to quit smoking. And it sucks. I went for over a week without one, but then I smoked an entire pack! The hardest part is that I don't really even want to quit. I'm doing it for my boyfriend. He told me "I want to love for a long time, and I want you to be alive for it." So, it guilted me into trying to quit.

     The biggest problem is that all I want to do is eat. And when I eat instead of smoking, then I gain a ton of weight and I get super depressed. I need to Find something to replace cigarettes. I'm thinking like altoids.. Do they have calories?
     I don't think I'll quit forever. It will be very hard to go back to school and stay quit. Everyone I'm living with smokes. I might become like a social smoker. Like, only smoking on the weekends.
     I know a lot of people with mental health problems smoke, because it helps calm you down and it suppresses hunger. But if anyone is reading this who doesn't smoke, PLEASE DON'T DO IT. It's so addicting and it will hurt the people around you.