Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 13

Last Weight: 118.0

Todays Weight: 116.8

Difference: -1.2 lbs

Last Goal: 116.5

Goal Met? No

New Goal: 115.4 by 8/6

     Almost made my goal. I was down to 115.4 but I went on vacation with my boyfriend and gained a little back. This week I know I can get it off again though.

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 12

Last Weight: 117.8

Todays Weight: 118.0

Difference: +0.2

Last Goal: 116.6

Goal Met? No

New Goal: 116.5 by 7/30

     I am a fatty fat fat fuck. ugh. I'm so mad. I've managed to lose and gained a matter of 2.5lbs in a week and now I'm right back to where I was. Fuck my life. I need to stop binging. I'm sticking with 800 calories per week and also going to exercise. I need to lose 1.5 lbs a week to reach my goal.

Weightloss Rewards

     These are my personal weightloss goals and the rewards that I am going to give myself when I reach these goals. I think that giving yourself rewards make you more motivated to get something done.

115 lbs - meet goal by August 1st - Manicure on August 2nd
110 lbs - meet goal by August 29th - Buy new heels!!
108 lbs - meet goal by September 10th - Shopping spree at favorite thrift store!

After September 10th I'll be revamping my entire eating and exercise plan to get under 100lbs for 2015.

7/15 Intake

Breakfast:

Coffee - 2

Morning Snack:

Coffee - 2

Yogurt - 100

Lunch:

Pita - 80

Lightlife "turkey" -25

Mustard - 0

Fruit Cup - 40

Afternoon Snack:

Baby Carrot - 35

Pasta Salad - 150

Cheese - 40

Dinner:

Cheese - 23

Zucchini - 21

Salmon Burger - 110

Lettuce - 10

Frozen Veggies - 60

Wasabi - 10

Ice Cream - 130

Chocolate Sauce - 25

Total: 888

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 11

Last Weight: 118.0

Todays Weight: 117.8

Difference: -0.2

Last Goal: 117.0

Goal Met? No

New Goal: 116.6 by 7/23

     Ok so I didn't meet my goal, but at least I'm losing weight again! If I want to reach my goal of 108lbs by September 10th, then I have to be losing 1.2lbs per week. So I'm upping the anti. I'm eating 900 calories this week and probably going down to 800 next week. If I don't meet my goals, then that means punishment in some form. And when I meet my goal weights, I will be rewarded! I can't wait to be skinny for school, especially because I'm seeing A Day to Remember with my best friends the week we go back! Yay!

 

7/14 Intake

Breakfast:

Coffee - 1

Morning Snack:

Coffee - 2

Yogurt - 100

Lunch:

Pita - 80

Lightlife "turkey" - 50

Mustard - 0

Fruit Cup - 40

Afternoon Snack:

Baby Carrot - 35

Potato Salad - 107

Dinner:

Seafood Salad - 113

Carrots - 60

Ketchup - 15

Corn - 150

Veggie Burger - 110

Lettuce - 10

Total: 873

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 10

Last Weight: 117.8

Todays Weight: 118

Difference: +0.2

Last Goal: 116.8

Goal Met? No

New Goal: 117.0 by 7/16

     Blah. Yuck. I thought I'd gain more this week after all the shit I've been eating. Since I finish my antibiotics off Saturday, I'm going to start restricting again. Honestly, I'm excited. I miss the hungry feeling. Also, even though I did gain weight, I can tell that I have more muscle. Especially in my arms. They were so weak and now I'm starting to get some definition. So yeah. I've changed my calorie intake goal to 1086 on MFP and it says I should lose 1.1lbs a week on that. I'm just hoping for 1lb a week! I'm going to try to stick to it as much as possible!

7/7 Intake

Breakfast:

Egg - 70

English Muffin - 110

Ketchup - 15

Cheese - 79

Morning Snack:

Yogurt - 100

Lunch: 

Fruit Cup - 40

Lettuce - 4

Pita Bread - 60

Seafood Salad - 102

Afternoon Snack: 

Carrots - 35

Trail Mix - 130

Ice Cream Bar - 180

Chips - 160

Dinner:

Seafood Baked Thing - 441

Wine - 192

Total: 1718

And then Satan said "Let there be calories in alcohol"

     Ugh I would have been totally fine if I hadn't of eaten so many snacks at work. My boss bought ice cream and we still had a bunch of leftover stuff from the cookout. Then I thought I'd just have something small for dinner, but Romeo took me out to a fancy restaurant, and I was kinda drunk. Fuck. I'm going out AGAIN tonight. For sushi. I'm leaving 600 whole fucking calories for tonight's dinner because I am not repeating yesterday.

Weekend of Eating Too Much

     I hate holidays because they always revolve around food. Especially ones like the Fourth of July where it's all cookouts and booze. Ugh.
     Thursday, I ate way too much at my work's cookout. All junk food too. Mostly cookies. So then I decided I wasn't going to eat dinner. But I wanted to get ridiculously drunk. So Romeo bought me a bottle of Bacardi and me, him, and my best friend went to the carnival and drank and went on rides. Then we went to McDonald's and I was trashed and thought french fries sounded like a great idea. Then we were going to a party and some kids tried to jump us but ... we were in a car... and they were on foot... Romeo pulled a knife on them. So what do they do? Throw a bottle of Hennessy into our car. So I drank that too. I was pretty wasted.
     Friday I was like "I'm not gunna eat" but then I took my antibiotics on an empty stomach and I was in horrible pain for 2 hours. I decided too take my best friend out to lunch and got a 1860 calorie meal. Ew. It was pouring rain all day so most festivities were canceled. I had made plans to stay at Romeo's. I wasn't going to eat the rest of the day but we ended up getting pizza at like 9:30 PM. And I had the rest of the Bacardi. And beer.
     Saturday I wasn't going to eat a lot because I had planned on going to R's. However, he broke his fucking phone and I couldn't get a hold of him until later in the day, where he pushed our plans back by 3 hours. I stayed home and just ate food all day with my mom. She made tuna and pasta salad. So. Much. Mayonnaise. Then I finally drove to see R. But guess what. We ended up at Burger King later that night, where I stuffed my face.
     In the morning (by morning I mean noon) he took me out for breakfast and it was so delicious and cute that I didn't care about the calories. I didn't eat again until dinner, but then I totally binged on everything in my house. Ew.
     This upcoming Saturday is my last day on antibiotics. After that I'm going to start restricting again. I miss the hungry feeling.

Six Months

     Today marks six months self-harm free for me. I'm really proud of myself. It's been really hard. I had reached 1 year self-harm free back in November, which was the first time I had ever gone that long without self-harming. However, I relapsed in December.
     There are a lot of things that help to keep me from self-harming. I always think about how the scars will look on my body and how I don't want any more. I've gotten better at opening up and talking to people. I started saying little quotes to myself. For example, when R broke up with me I was extremely depressed. I thought the feeling would never end. But, I knew that it would eventually. I kept telling myself "this too shall pass." It helped me to remember that I wouldn't be sad forever.
     If you struggle with self-harm, just know that there is hope for recovery.

7/2 Intake

Breakfast:

Egg - 70

English Muffin - 110

Ketchup - 15

Morning Snack:

Greek Yogurt - 100

Lunch:

Cheese - 70

Tofurky - 40

Lettuce - 4

Fruit Cup - 40

Hummus - 35

Flat bread - 100

Afternoon Snack:

Carrots - 35

Trail Mix - 130

Cookie - 185

Dinner:

Salad - 20

Lentil Soup - 240

Peas - 24

Total: 1218

If every day were like today you'd weigh 111.9lbs in 5 weeks

     Not bad today. I'm very pleased with the outcome. I did eat extra snacks at work today, because my boss bought them for our cookout tomorrow. I didn't have my flat bread in there originally because I forgot to add it to MFP. I was excited on how low I was and indulged. I still ended up right around my target of 1200 calories. There's a cookout at work tomorrow for the fourth of July and I'm nervous about it. My boss got so many cookies and chips. I'm eating a light breakfast and not bringing any food to work. I'm going to allow myself 500-600 calories at the cookout so that I can eat some of the yummy stuff!

July 2014 Pictures

So yeah. This is what I look like. It's disgusting I know. I compared these pictures to the ones I took last July and I look a lot better than I did last summer. I'm still hoping to improve. I want to lose 3lbs this month, so that I can be underweight again. I also want to get more toned. I want to be able to see my abs more and have less chubby legs. I'm trying really hard to stick to my plan for this month and then hopefully I will upload progress pictures showing a change.

7/1 Intake (Binge Included)

Breakfast:

Flour Tortilla - 190

Black Beans - 72

Corn - 60

Egg - 70

Salsa - 30

Morning Snack:

Chobani Greek Yogurt - 100

Lunch:

Flatbread - 100

Hommus - 70

Fruit Cup - 40

Lettuce - 4

Tofurky - 40

Cheese - 70

Afternoon Snack:

Baby Carrots - 35

Dinner:

Swordfish - 219

Corn - 80

Nectarine - 63

Pre Binge Total: 1243

Binge:

Cucumber - 23

Hummus - 140

Salsa - 45

Chips - 140

Oatmeal Cream Pie - 310

Corn - 120

Hot Dog Bun - 130

Mayo - 35

Nutty Bar - 310

Granola Bar - 160

Binge Total: 1413

Post Binge Total: 2656

     Yeah I fucking binged yesterday. I was laying in bed telling myself not to eat and then I was just like "fuck it I'll have just some veggies" and then that turned into 1413 calories of absolute shit. 58 grams of fat in that binge. Ugh. I'm so bad with eating at night. I just get bored and there's nothing else to do. My plan today is to go out so that I don't get too bored. I might go buy some things at the mall. Then by the time I get back and do my normal routine (cleaning, blogging, etc.) it will be late enough to go to bed and I can avoid the nightly temptation. Then if I can get used to not eating at night, I won't even want to!

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 9

Last Weight: 117.6

Todays Weight: 117.8

Difference: +0.2

Last Goal: 115.6

Goal Met? No

New Goal: 116.8 by 7/9

     Pretty much the same since last week. I blame the drugs I was on for making me gain weight. Now it's time to get it off. Even though I'm not restricting too much, MFP says that I should still lose 0.9lbs a week while eating 1200 calories a day. I'm also exercising so that definitely helps. My weight was a pound more yesterday and I think the jog I went for really helped to get it off. Also, I'm sorry I didn't get to posting pictures yesterday. My camera battery died and it takes forever to charge. I will 100% do them today though.

Weekly Goals

     Kicking my butt into gear for July! I weighed in today verrryyy high and I'm really sad about it. I'm seeing R this weekend so I'm gunna go hard this week.
 Today:
- Take "before" pics and post them
- Don't eat after dinner
- Run at least 1 mile
Wednesday:
- Cut calories at breakfast
- 2 sets of leg workout
- morning cardio
Thursday:
- Run at least 1 mile
- Morning cardio
Friday:
- 3 sets arm workout
- morning cardio
- conserve calories for alcohol
Saturday: 
- run 1 mile in the morning
- crunches, pushups, squats before seeing R
- eat light before going
Sunday:
- rest day
- if get home early, take a walk at night
     It's going to be hard, because I've been binging so much. I've gotten into the habit of plopping in front of the TV and watching Law & Order while eating until I want to vomit. R is my motivation this week. I keep saying little reminders in my head. I also keep telling myself that if I work hard now, it'll be easier down the road. Like, if I stick to this weeks workouts then next weeks will feel easier. Anyways, I'm taking "before" pics before I go for my run later and I'll try to get them up tonight!

Plan for July

     Seeing as it's the last day of June, I thought that I'd post my diet / fitness plan for July. I'm trying to keep it as healthy as possible, which is difficult for me, but I know it will make me feel better overall.
     Diet Plan: I'm planning on starting the month eating 1200 calories a day. I need to be eating a healthy amount while I'm still recovering from Lyme Disease. If I'm not losing weight, then I will decrease my intake after I'm off antibiotics. I'm going to eat 3 meals a day and two snacks. Every meal will be planned. I'm also trying to incorporate more protein into my diet.
     Fitness Plan: I want to be working out 6 days a week. This is my main focus for the month. Since I'm going to be eating more than usual, I want to take this chance to work on building my muscles up. Monday is ab day. Tuesday is cardio. Wednesday is leg day. Thursday is cardio. Friday is arm day. Saturday is cardio. Sunday is rest day. The exercises I have planned are mostly beginner exercises. I'm really excited to start getting fit instead of skinny.
     I know it's going to be really hard.  I keep reminding myself that I need to eat and exercise in order to be happy and healthy. All I've wanted to do lately is purge, but I can't throw up my antibiotics. Planning my meals ahead really helps with not binging. I'm still having trouble with my night time emotional eating. I'm making sure I don't do that the entire July though. I'm excited.

Glasses and Doctors

     As I mentioned in yesterday's post I had to go back to the GP for a review of how I'm doing with Lyme disease and Bell's Palsy. Basically, nothing has changed. They told me that it's going to take a few more weeks at least for me to look normal again. My GP said that as long as I'm not getting any worse, then they're not worried about me. I come off Prednisone on Sunday, but I still have 2 more weeks of anti-biotics to take.
     Also, I got glasses yesterday! I still don't know how I feel about them. I'll post a pic maybe when my face is less crooked. It's amazing though. I didn't realize how poor my eyesight was until I put them on. Everything was so crisp! I don't need to wear them all the time, because I only need them for distance, so I don't have to wear them at work, which is nice. I'm just really happy to be able to see!!

Baby Steps I Guess?

     Yesterday wasn't all that bad. I mean I binged... but it happens. Sigh. I'm working on it. I totaled at about 1484 calories. It was 867 before my binge. That's a 617 calorie binge. Gross. I mean 1/3 of it was alcohol. Woops. I went out with Romeo last night and decided I wanted to drink the whiskey I had in my purse for the past 2 weeks. And then I had a glass of Chardonnay (and he had the rest of the bottle). I was a little tipsy and when I got home I went straight for the fridge. I just shoved my face full of bread and cheese.
     But there is a positive side!! I ate healthy the rest of the day. Egg whites for breakfast. Greek yogurt for snack. Flat bread tofurkey sandwich and fruit for lunch. Baby carrots for snack. A veggie burger and veggies for dinner. I love making my own food. I think it's part of my control issues. I also exercised yesterday. I did a short morning workout and then 2 sets of my leg workout. I am sore today!! But it feels really good.
     I'm also in a really good mood today. Starting my day with a meal and a workout really makes a difference. I also want to start adding in a little bit of yoga to my daily routine. Hanging out with Romeo also helped me feel better. He's been really nice with the whole "my face is fucked up looking" thing.
     I'm going back to see my GP today so they can monitor my Lyme and Bell's recovery. My dad wants me to get an MRI and see a neurologist, but I really don't want to. I'd like to stay as far away from the hospital as possible. If my GP wants me to see a specialist then I will, but I don't think there's really much they can do for me.

Goals for the Week

     Instead of doing a weigh-in today, I'm just going to make a list of goals for the week. I don't want to look at my weight because I need to be worrying about my health more than how I look. Also, the drugs I'm on for my Bell's Palsy are making me very emotional and I don't need anymore stress. So, goals for the week so that I can weigh-in next week!

• Eat balanced. I don't want to restrict while I'm still trying to beat Lyme disease. So I want to eat healthy and balanced. 3 meals a day and 2 snacks, roughly around 1200 calories. I usually do really well until night time. Then I get bored and stressed out. I need to find other things to do at night!!
• Back to Exercise! I'm starting my exercise routine back up again. I'm limiting running though because it bothers my eye. I'm going to start my weight lifting back up though now that I'm starting to get more energy.
• Earlier mornings! I've actually been doing pretty well with waking up earlier. A little exercise in the morning definitely helps and so does playing with my cat. 
• More positive thinking. I'm thinking about printing out some positive quotes and hanging them up or putting little notes places to try to help myself be more positive. I haven't been in therapy in 2 months and it's getting hard, but with only 2 months left of summer, I don't want to bother.

     That's it for now. I'm trying to get healthy again and get my energy back still. I stop the Prednisone the end of this week, so hopefully my mood will improve after that!!

Hospital, Ticks, and Bell's

     Well I guess on the plus side, I don't have TMJ. I have Lyme disease.
     After visiting the doctor and the dentist, they both confirmed that I had TMJ and that there was nothing to do until the pain went away. Then, last Saturday I go out of the shower and saw that a bite, that I assumed was from a mosquito, had a red ring around it. I knew that that was a sign of Lyme disease. So off the the ER I went.
     I fucking hate hospitals and the doctor I had was a huge prick. He was jabbing at my leg, where the bite is, with needles and it fucking hurt so bad. He was like "I don't think you really have Lyme." They took a blood test and sent me on my way. Still in pain in my jaw.
     Monday I woke up and went to wash my face. Soap got into my right eye. I couldn't close it. I looked in the mirror and realized that half my face was paralyzed. I went back to the doctor's on Wednesday. Right before I went, the hospital called me and told me that I did in fact have Lyme disease. I saw my GP and they told me that I had Bell's Palsy, which was caused by the Lyme disease. For those of you who don't know, Bell's Palsy is the paralyzation of one side of the face caused by nerve damage. My GP said that it could go away in a couple of weeks, but may also take up to six months! I was put on a course of steroids (Prednisone) as well as antibiotics for the Lyme disease.
     I have been so depressed by this. My face is so awful looking. I'm constantly hungry and moody because of the steroids. I don't know how long this is going to last, but I hope it goes away soon.
     My dad is also pissed because I was misdiagnosed and if they had asked if I had a tick bite the first time I went to the doctors, then they might have been able to prevent my face from becoming paralyzed.
     I haven't been to work in a week and a half. I have to go to the eye doctor tomorrow and then back to the GP Thursday. I'm going back to work on Tuesday, so I'll try to update more.
    Also, one more thing, FUCK HOSPITALS. I literally had a panic attack in the ER because I feel like I live in a doctor's office.

6/11 Intake

Morning Snack:

Croissant -  200

Lunch:

Yogurt - 80

Bun - 120

Dinner:

Ice Cream - 150

Total: 550

     Hey, thanks TMJ for not letting me eat anything. Yeah that half a croissant I had took me 90 minutes to eat. The only reason why I got the ice cream was because I was on a date and I was in so much fucking pain so I had him get me an ice cream before he brought me home. It's weird though, because I'm not even hungry. I've actually been pretty nauseous and I think it's caused by either the pain or the amount of pain killers I've been shoveling down. I feel awful today and everyone at work is trying to convince me to go home.

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 8

Last Weight: 115.4

Todays Weight: 117.6

Difference:+2.2

Last Goal: 114.4

Goal Met? No

New Goal: 115.6 by 6/18

     I fucking gained and I'm pissed. I know it's probably just water weight or from drinking so much beer this weekend. I actually 100% blame all the alcohol I drank. I drank Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, and this most recent Sunday. 7/8 days. Fuck. However, now it's Wednesday and I haven't had a drink since Sunday afternoon. I'm proud of myself. This week I'm not going to drink as much alcohol and I'm also going to barely eat because oh hey, TMJ. I can barely open my mouth to get food in and the pain is making me nauseous. Awesome... Well at least I know that I'll lose weight..

Consequences of my ED

     So every now and then I like to may a post about how my eating disorder has negatively affected my life. I do this to show that eating disorders are not something to be desired. They are a serious illness.
     Recently I was at the doctors for my recently diagnosed TMJ. I am in so much pain from this! It's horrible. I decided to look up to see if it was related to my ED, and guess what? It probably is. I found a list on this website that shows the consequences related to having an eating disorder. I'm going to list which ones have affected me personally.

• Amenorrhea - loss of menstrual cycle. 

• Cramps, bloating, constipation, diarrhea, incontinence

• Dehydration - caused by lack of intake of fluids in the body. (Hospitalized for this numerous times)

• Depression - mood swings and depression caused by physiological factors such as electrolyte imbalances, hormone and vitamin deficiencies, malnutrition and dehydration.

• Dry Skin and Hair, Brittle Hair and Nails, Hair Loss - caused by Vitamin and Mineral deficiencies, malnutrition and dehydration

• Acid Reflux Disorders

• Iron Deficiency, Anemia - this makes the oxygen transporting units within the blood useless and can lead to fatigue, shortness of breath, increased infections, and heart palpitations

• Kidney Infection - Vitamin Deficiencies, dehydration, infection and low blood pressure increase the risks of and associated with kidney infection. (Hospitalized for Kidney infection in January)  
• Muscle Atrophy - wasting away of muscle and decrease in muscle mass due to the body feeding off of itself.

• Orthostatic Hypotension - sudden drop in blood pressure upon sitting up or standing. Symptoms include dizziness, blurred vision, passing out, heart pounding and headaches. (Hospitalized for a few times)

• TMJ "Syndrome" - degenerative arthritis within the tempero-mandibular joint in the jaw. Vitamin deficiencies and teeth grinding (often related to stress) can both be causes. 

• Weakness and Fatigue - caused generalized poor eating habits, electrolyte imbalances, vitamin and mineral deficiencies, depression, malnutrition, heart problems.

     I'm almost crying right now after reading this list. I can't lead a normal life because of my ED. Along will all of these physical illnesses, I also suffer from many mental issues related to my ED. These include low self-esteem, anxiety, self-hate. It's something I struggle with every day.
     I make posts like these because this is the reality of eating disorders. I see too many blogs on here telling girls how to starve themselves, and saying that "ana" will make them beautiful. No. It won't. It makes you sick. It puts you in hospitals. Constant doctors visits. Missing out on things because you're too weak. Doing poorly in school because you're always in the hospital instead of class. It is not beautiful.

First Beach Weekend

So, I'm going to the beach this weekend, and I'm terrified. I haven't been working out at all because my lungs have been shit. I'm also terrified because I'm going with R and he's so gorgeous and I'm so bleck. I don't know. I'm gunna wear my bathing suit and probably a sun dress over it. I hope it's fun.

I Hate Boys

     Okay, not really.. but they're so aggravating! I don't have a boyfriend right now.. But I am, I guess you could say I'm "involved" with two different guys. One guy is R, who I mentioned in this post, and he is actually my ex-boyfriend. The other guy, whom I've nicknamed Romeo, as mentioned in this post, I met because my best friend was trying to get with him. Isn't this already wonderful.
     Romeo. I've nicknamed him that because the two of use have a running joke that we're modern day Romeo and Juliet and we're madly in love and going to kill ourselves together. 100% a joke. He's cute and he's funny and he's sweet and a sucker for romance and horror movies and he likes to read. But he's a bum and not going anywhere in life. And that's kind of a let down. I really like him though. We're both cynical fucks and we drink a lot and love serial killers. And you know what, I'd totally make him my boyfriend.. if it weren't for R.
     R. What can I say. I'm head over heels madly in love with this guy. And I couldn't even tell you why. We dated for 3 months. He broke up with me when school ended. I was devastated, but we started talking again a week after. He is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met, both inside and out. Last time I saw him he said "we aren't gunna label things." Well, what does that mean? Can we see other people? Are we monogamous? What's going on? People label things for a reason.
     I'm seeing both of them this weekend. Romeo on Friday and R on Saturday. I haven't seen Romeo since last night. I haven't seen R in 3 weeks. I'm going to be scrambling around and sleep deprived yet again this week. Ugh. What am I even doing with my life.

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 7

Last Weight: 116.6

Todays Weight: 115.4

Difference: -1.2

Last Goal: 115.6

Goal Met? Yes

New Goal: 114.4 by 6/11

     This week has been weird. Lots of not sleeping. Really poor eating. All weekend I kind of... forgot to eat. I didn't do it on purpose; it was just something I didn't think of. Friday night I went over this guys house, we'll call him Romeo. I felt nervous going over there so I didn't want to eat anything before. And then I didn't want to eat anything in front of him either. I did have 5 non-light beers though, so I classified that as dinner. It was enough calories to be! 

     Then Saturday  I was supposed to get up early and get my nails done and then drive to Providence to see my friends. But Romeo didn't let me leave his place until noon. I scrambled around at my house for clothes and then spent the next 4 hours in a car. We were going to a show in Provi and I forgot to eat all day. The first thing I ate that day was at 11PM after the show at our friend's house. I had a hamburger bun. And only because I almost pulled my signature move of blacking out in the front row of the show. #fail

     Sunday I had a donut and pizza because I was with my friends. The pizza I pulled everything off of and just ate the bread. I also had about 6 glasses of wine.

     Basically I've just been consuming all of my calories in alcohol. But that's nothing new here....

5/28 Intake

Breakfast:

1/2 Banana - 45

Peanut Butter - 95

Raspberries - 53

Strawberries - 16

Almond Milk - 15

Morning Snack:

Yogurt - 100

Coffee - 1

Brownie - 205

Lunch:

Baby Spinach - 8

Cucumber - 11

Mushroom - 4

Tofu - 63

Oil - 20

Crackers - 190

Afternoon Snack:

Baby Carrots - 35

Peaches - 35

Strawberry Shortcake Roll - 240

Lays Chips - 160

French Onion Dip - 140

Cheese - 98

Dinner:

Salmon - 100

Corn - 80

Total: 1694

     Why did I eat so much? Ugh. I blame work. The people at work always try to fatten me up. Some lady brought in brownies and that just drove my hunger wild. I stuffed my face when I got home. I need to stop eating so much at night. I think I'm going to start going to bed earlier and that will help me to not eat so much junk. Also, I'm going to start reading before bed instead of watching TV because TV and snacks go too well together. I only was 494 over my goal of 1200, which isn't too too bad compared to some of my wild binges. Today feels like a better day though.

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 6

Last Weight: 117.8

Todays Weight: 116.6

Difference: -1.2

Last Goal: 116.8

Goal Met? Yes

New Goal: 115.6 by 6/4

     I'm so happy that I lost weight. I didn't know if I would. I've been drinking a lot and getting a bit of a beer belly. Gross. I also went out to dinner with one of my friends last night and my meal was over 1800 calories. Gross. But I did lose! And now I want to just lose more! Time to get my ass into gear! I'm seeing R a week from Saturday and I want to look hot for that!

Motivation of the Week

     So, I have new motivation to stick to my plan this week. I'm going on a date Friday. I am so completely nervous and I don't wanna go, but I am. The guy is someone I met at a party on Sunday. My friend thought he was really hot and wanted to get with him. The two of us went home with him. He didn't make a move on her, but instead flirted with me. My friend was pissed. The three of us pulled an all-nighter. He texted me last night and asked me out to dinner. I feel awkward going, even though my friend said she doesn't mind. I just hate dinner dates. They're so awkward. Ugh.
     The only thing coming out of this is the fact that it makes me want to stick to my meal plan and exercise plan. I want to look amazing for this date!

Weekly Goals

You probably know that I like making goals and lists so here's a list of goals for the last week in May!

1. Only 2 cigarettes a day Monday - Thursday. I'm trying to cut down because I am poor and sick.
2. I want to get out of bed 5 minutes early every day. In June I want to start doing yoga in the mornings, but I need to get used to getting out of bed.
3. Eat 1200 or less calories a day. I've already made a meal plan filled with all healthy foods and I really want to stick with it.
4. Clean everyday. My house is a mess. I really need to just clean a little bit each day so that the mess doesn't get so big.
5. Never skip a workout. I skip workouts all the time and that needs to stop now!
6. Go to sleep early. I need to be getting 8 hours of sleep a night and stop staying up watching TV until midnight.

Sick as a Dog

     I'm sick. And I'm so mad about it. I haven't been sick in months and I thought that I wouldn't be sick again until school started up again. But no. This new lady at work got me sick. Now I'm miserable. I can't exercise. I can barely stay awake. I'm supposed to be having a party Saturday and I really don't want to anymore. I've just been sitting around and drinking loads of tea.
     In other news, yesterday was awful. On top of being really sick, I was also feeling extremely depressed. We found out yesterday that my brother is not going to graduate from high school. My mom was crying and yelling and freaking out on him. My kitten was crying. I couldn't be around it. I drove around for a while and smoked a bunch of cigarettes, which did not help my sore throat and cough. After that I decided to take a bubble bath and drink so chamomile tea and I felt better. I'm so disappointed in my brother. And he doesn't even care that he's not graduating. Ugh.

My Food and Weird Cravings

I really like taking pictures of my food. I think it helps me to do some portion control and what I eat. And it just looks so pretty. So I decided to take some today!
First picture is my breakfast. Glass of cranberry pomegranate juice (50 calories), English muffin (110 calories), fried egg (70 calories), provolone cheese (70 calories) and ketchup (15 calories). It's so delicious and one of my favorite breakfasts. I need to stop eating it so much though because of high fat content (12 grams!) and I want to eat more vegan.  315 calories for my whole breakfast.

Next picture is of my lunch and snacks. I have a diet coke (0 calories), and Nature Valley bar (190 calories), a peach cup (35 calories), baby carrots (35 calories), half a cucumber (23 calories), and a granny smith apple (80 calories). I usually don't eat the Nature Valley bar, but I just grabbed it really quick this morning.

 

So the other thing that has been on my mind is that I've been having the strangest cravings. I really want to eat... flowers. I am hard core craving some flower petals and I have no idea why! I've been looking up recipes for dandelions and roses and lavender and I just want all of them. I've been feeling to need to be closer with nature lately. I might start my own garden. Of flowers. To eat.

Exercise Plan!

This is just an outline of the exercise plan that I've been trying to stick to!
Every day: 30 crunches, 25 squats, 15 push-ups every morning. Increase each by 5 every week.
Monday: Run for 20-30 minutes. Try to maintain an average speed of 10min mile.
Tuesday: Ab day. 2-3 sets. 12 reps each. Crunches, bicycles, planks, Reverse crunches.
Wednesday: Run for 15-25 minutes. Try to maintain an average speed of 10 min mile.
Thursday: Leg day. 2-3 sets. 12 reps each with 5lb weights. Squats, lunges, calf raises.
Friday: Run for 20-30 minutes. Try to maintain an average speed of 10min mile.
Saturday: Arm day. 2-3 set. 12 reps each with 5lb weights. Curls, kick backs, pushups.
Sunday: Rest Day!
It's simple enough that I think I can stick to it. I just do the exercises every day as soon as I get home from work. Sometimes if I have plans for Friday night, I'll do my run on Saturday morning. 

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 5

Last Weight: 112.8 (5/17)

Todays Weight: 117.8

Difference:+5.0

New Goal: 116.8 by 5/28

     I honestly don't think my weight is right. There is no way I've gained 5lbs since Saturday! I'm so mad! It might just be from eating so so so much food yesterday for my birthday. I ate over 2,220 calories! I'm hoping I'll lose weight quickly. I'm going to start getting into an exercise routine, which maybe I'll post about later. Anyways, I hope to lose 1lb by next week. It's going to be hard because of all this birthday cake everyone keeps giving me. I'm just going to have to do a lot of cardio to burn it off!

It's My Birthday

     It's my birthday today, which means lots of cake and ice cream and cookies and food. But that's okay. I'm 20 years old today. I'm no longer a teenager. I've decided that I'm going to make a lot of changes now that I'm "all grown up."
1. Eat Clean. I want to start eating less crap. I want to have a diet of mostly raw organic vegetables and fruits. I also want to only eat organic whole grains and be mostly vegan. I want to stop drinking soda and eating junk food.
2. Exercise Regularly. I want to start up a regular exercise routine. Exercise helps control my depression as well as my waist. I always end up giving up on exercise when the weather gets back, but I don't want to be like that anymore.
3. Save Money. I'm trying to get an apartment to move into for next May (eeek!), so I need to start saving my money up and not spending it on dumb stuff. Budgeting is part of being an adult, right?
4. Be Organized. I want to be more organized, in all aspects of my life. I'm sick of everything being a big mess. I need to decided what's important and what's not and then organize my life, and my stuff.
     I also have other goals for when school starts up again regarding grades, but I'll write those down when it gets closer. Hope everyone is having a great day!!!!

5/18 Intake

Lunch:

 Coffee - 180

Hash Browns - 130

Egg White Flat - 280

Afternoon Snack:

Ravioli - 380

Dinner:

English Muffin - 120

Egg - 70

Cheese - 80

Ketchup - 15

Juice - 50

Total: 1305

I ate a fuck ton. I was in Boston most of the day because I stayed with R Saturday night. He had a meeting Sunday so I walked around and got Dunkin' Donuts. I was insanely hungry too. I haven't been restricting as much as I used to lately. Mostly because I'm terrified of going to the hospital again. I still want to lose weight though. It's a struggle.

I AM BACK

     I'm back guys. A lot of shit has happened since I last posted. My last post I wrote some pretty depressing things. And I apologize for disappearing after that. In December my life fell apart. One of my close friends died in a car accident on December 2nd, and it was awful. She was my roommate's girlfriend and also my best friend's sister. The same day I was in the hospital getting fluids for being dehydrated from not eating and drinking. My boyfriend at the time broke up with me and we got into a huge fight. I got one of my friends kicked out of school by accident.
     During this time, I relapsed on cutting. It had been over a year since I had cut myself. I also got down to the lowest weight I have ever been. I started drinking excessively. I was hospitalized again in January. At this time I met a guy, R. I'll tell you more about him later. But anyways, I decided I needed to start eating and get the fuck out of the hospital. I was miserable for months.
     But, good news! I haven't cut since January 6th, 2014. I'm feeling less depressed. I'm actually quite happy. I haven't gained weight since I've been home from school. And I'm back here! I missed the community here a lot. I hope all of you are doing well!