Weekend of Eating Too Much

     I hate holidays because they always revolve around food. Especially ones like the Fourth of July where it's all cookouts and booze. Ugh.
     Thursday, I ate way too much at my work's cookout. All junk food too. Mostly cookies. So then I decided I wasn't going to eat dinner. But I wanted to get ridiculously drunk. So Romeo bought me a bottle of Bacardi and me, him, and my best friend went to the carnival and drank and went on rides. Then we went to McDonald's and I was trashed and thought french fries sounded like a great idea. Then we were going to a party and some kids tried to jump us but ... we were in a car... and they were on foot... Romeo pulled a knife on them. So what do they do? Throw a bottle of Hennessy into our car. So I drank that too. I was pretty wasted.
     Friday I was like "I'm not gunna eat" but then I took my antibiotics on an empty stomach and I was in horrible pain for 2 hours. I decided too take my best friend out to lunch and got a 1860 calorie meal. Ew. It was pouring rain all day so most festivities were canceled. I had made plans to stay at Romeo's. I wasn't going to eat the rest of the day but we ended up getting pizza at like 9:30 PM. And I had the rest of the Bacardi. And beer.
     Saturday I wasn't going to eat a lot because I had planned on going to R's. However, he broke his fucking phone and I couldn't get a hold of him until later in the day, where he pushed our plans back by 3 hours. I stayed home and just ate food all day with my mom. She made tuna and pasta salad. So. Much. Mayonnaise. Then I finally drove to see R. But guess what. We ended up at Burger King later that night, where I stuffed my face.
     In the morning (by morning I mean noon) he took me out for breakfast and it was so delicious and cute that I didn't care about the calories. I didn't eat again until dinner, but then I totally binged on everything in my house. Ew.
     This upcoming Saturday is my last day on antibiotics. After that I'm going to start restricting again. I miss the hungry feeling.

7/1 Intake (Binge Included)

Breakfast:

Flour Tortilla - 190

Black Beans - 72

Corn - 60

Egg - 70

Salsa - 30

Morning Snack:

Chobani Greek Yogurt - 100

Lunch:

Flatbread - 100

Hommus - 70

Fruit Cup - 40

Lettuce - 4

Tofurky - 40

Cheese - 70

Afternoon Snack:

Baby Carrots - 35

Dinner:

Swordfish - 219

Corn - 80

Nectarine - 63

Pre Binge Total: 1243

Binge:

Cucumber - 23

Hummus - 140

Salsa - 45

Chips - 140

Oatmeal Cream Pie - 310

Corn - 120

Hot Dog Bun - 130

Mayo - 35

Nutty Bar - 310

Granola Bar - 160

Binge Total: 1413

Post Binge Total: 2656

     Yeah I fucking binged yesterday. I was laying in bed telling myself not to eat and then I was just like "fuck it I'll have just some veggies" and then that turned into 1413 calories of absolute shit. 58 grams of fat in that binge. Ugh. I'm so bad with eating at night. I just get bored and there's nothing else to do. My plan today is to go out so that I don't get too bored. I might go buy some things at the mall. Then by the time I get back and do my normal routine (cleaning, blogging, etc.) it will be late enough to go to bed and I can avoid the nightly temptation. Then if I can get used to not eating at night, I won't even want to!

Baby Steps I Guess?

     Yesterday wasn't all that bad. I mean I binged... but it happens. Sigh. I'm working on it. I totaled at about 1484 calories. It was 867 before my binge. That's a 617 calorie binge. Gross. I mean 1/3 of it was alcohol. Woops. I went out with Romeo last night and decided I wanted to drink the whiskey I had in my purse for the past 2 weeks. And then I had a glass of Chardonnay (and he had the rest of the bottle). I was a little tipsy and when I got home I went straight for the fridge. I just shoved my face full of bread and cheese.
     But there is a positive side!! I ate healthy the rest of the day. Egg whites for breakfast. Greek yogurt for snack. Flat bread tofurkey sandwich and fruit for lunch. Baby carrots for snack. A veggie burger and veggies for dinner. I love making my own food. I think it's part of my control issues. I also exercised yesterday. I did a short morning workout and then 2 sets of my leg workout. I am sore today!! But it feels really good.
     I'm also in a really good mood today. Starting my day with a meal and a workout really makes a difference. I also want to start adding in a little bit of yoga to my daily routine. Hanging out with Romeo also helped me feel better. He's been really nice with the whole "my face is fucked up looking" thing.
     I'm going back to see my GP today so they can monitor my Lyme and Bell's recovery. My dad wants me to get an MRI and see a neurologist, but I really don't want to. I'd like to stay as far away from the hospital as possible. If my GP wants me to see a specialist then I will, but I don't think there's really much they can do for me.

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 3

Last Weight: 124.4

Todays Weight: 124.6

Difference: +0.2

Last Goal: 122.4 by 8/21

Goal Met? No

New Goal: 122.8 by 8/28

     Another gain! No surprise there, because I'm a failure. All I've been doing is binging and being depressed and having panic attacks. I can't stand it. I woke up this morning and couldn't fit into my jeans, so I had to wear my "fat pants" which are usually super loose. Now they're not. What's really bothering me is that I'm seeing some of the people I used to be friends with this weekend. I want to be skinny to show them up. But, that's not going to happen. I'm planning on only eating 1 meal today, but tomorrow my dad is taking me to Wendy's. I hate feeling so fat.

Stopping the Cycle

     So, these past couple weeks I've been on a huge binge cycle where I restrict all day until about 9PM and then eat to the point of almost vomiting, but I can't purge because my parents are always around. I feel huge. I feel so disgusting. I don't want to be seen like this. I was watching Supersize vs. Super Skinny last night [can be found here] and it just made me realize that if I keep eating this much, I'm going to get so huge. I know what I need to do, but I always think it'll be okay to have just a little bit of chips or just one cookie. But that never happens. I always lose control. I can't let myself do that anymore. And it used to be fine to do it, because I could just purge. Now with my parents and brother always around, I can't do that and I have to deal with all this high fat & high calorie food sitting in my stomach. So things I need to starts doing:

• Eat slower. I eat too fast and then don't feel full until I've already eaten a whole box of cookies..
• Keep track of how many pounds I want to lose. I'm going to write the number on my hand or wrist every day. It's less noticeable than a weight.Today's number is 25.
• Choose better foods. If I want chips, then have a rice cake. If I want cookies, then have some prunes. No one wants to binge on rice cakes! But I can still get the crunchiness. 
• Spend less time at my house. I need to make plans for the week so I'm not sitting at my house with nothing to do but go to food.
• Write more. I'm an emotional eater and I need to get my emotions out of me instead of stuffing food into myself.

     That's all I got for now. I'm so terrified of becoming fat. I need to get this under control. And I'm sorry that I make so many lists. It's an obsession!

Weekend Adventures

      I haven't posted in a few days because I've been really busy this weekend mixed with also being pretty depressed lately. So here's is just a little update.
     Friday: Friday I went shopping and got some new clothes for school. I was feel pretty awesome. Then when I got home my brother and I got into a fight and I decided to eat a ton of junk food and then go to sleep instead of dealing with it.
     Saturday: Saturday I went to the beach and on my Uncle's boat. I was feeling good and having some drinks and then we ordered pizza. I didn't feel bad about it because I was a little tipsy. Then I got really bloated after eating and my uncle called me fat. After the beach, I told my friend I was going to take a shower and then we could hang out later. Come 10 PM, no one had texted me to hangout so I was going to go to bed. I went on twitter to see all my friends tweeting about hanging out together and they hadn't invited me. Cue eating an entire bag of cheesy popcorn.
     Sunday: Sunday I went into the city to visit one of my friends who is graduating soon. I went with my college roommate, and of course her family owns a bakery in the North End. We ate some sweets but then walked around a lot. Then I had a spinach and cheese calzone. Not diet drinks. Then we went to our school and our friend made pasta with sauce and buttery bread. And my roommate brought cannolis for dessert.
     I have to weigh in on Wednesday and I'm scared to fuck. I need to stop using food to cope with my depression. It's so bad. :/

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 1

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In! From now on I'll just call it WWW.

Last Weight: 121.4

Todays Weight: 122.4

Difference: +1.0

Goal: 120.4 by 8/14

     ugh. I gained weight. It's because I've been binging like crazy. When I get upset, all I do is eat. I need to find something else to do besides eat. I was smoking before, but now that's I'm quitting I'm not sure what to do. Also, I'm going on 4+ day with no poop. It's gross, I know, but that has to add to some of the reason why I gained. Even with my binges my calories intake was still under 2000 a day and I've been exercising. Gaining weight just all around sucks.

     So what's my plan for this next week before weigh-in again? I'm going to be really strict with myself. No snacking after dinner even if I have calories left over. I'm going to try spreading my dinner out. Like eat one thing at a time and then wait to eat more. That way I can see if I'm really hungry or not. Exercise cannot be skipped. No excuses. I'm hoping to drop 2 lbs this week. I NEED to drop 2 lbs this week.

     I still need to stay positive though. If I'm not positive, then I'll get depressed and when I'm depressed I binge and when I binge, I gain weight. A lady at work gave me a gift card to Starbucks, and that's awesome because it's a 1 mile walk from my school. So there's an easy excuse to walk 2 miles! And black coffee with splenda has barely any calories. If I stay strict with myself, I can be 116lbs by the time I go back to school! I just need to stay motivated and stop being so damn depressed!

Something's Wrong

     I don't even want to talk about what I ate today. I had a nice healthy dinner planned. Mushrooms, onions, and an egg. Then I added some beans and corn. I ate it and I thought I would be done. But then I couldn't even control myself from eating one of everything in our junk cabinet. This happened at 6:30 pm. It's 11pm and I still feel like I'm going to vomit. I didn't want to purge, so I went out with my friend for a while. I hate myself and I have no control. 

     I think I'm repressing my feelings. I've had a huge problem with this my whole life. It's led to various eating problems and also my self harm problem. I hide my feelings so much that I don't even know what's bothering me. But something is. I've so disconnected and I can't control my eating and my bowels are fucked over but I can't do laxatives because I'm driving to my boyfriends tomorrow. 

     I can't put a finger to what's bothering me. And I'm thinking so hard, but I just don't know what. I hate my therapist. I decided that. I lied and told her I couldn't see her the last week in August. So now we only have 2 more appointments. I want to go back and see a counselor at school. They're much more helpful. They want me to get a full psych evaluation at a near by hospital. Ill probably do that some Friday after class. 

     I hate my brother. He's a loser. He's going no where in life. I'm such a perfectionist that its embarrassing to say that I'm related to him. He's a jerk. He's 17 and still thinks that he can be famous. Grow up and decide what you really want to do with your life. 

     I'm hoping that this weekend with my boyfriend will make me feel a little better. Even writing this out I feel better, so thanks for listening. The only time I feel happy is when I'm with him and right after I go jogging. Gunna try to go for a jog in the morning before the long drive. Ill answer any comments from today in the morning. Hope all is well. Stay strong. Stay beautiful. Stay safe. <3

What to Do When You Binge

     Face it, no one's perfect, and we all make mistakes. One of those mistakes in binging. Now, I'm not talking about over eating by 100 calories or so. I'm talking about eating 1000+ calories in one sitting. I'm really bad at binging all the time, which caused me to get into the habit of purging. Purging is not the answer. One binge isn't going to make you gain 10 pounds. It's okay. This is what to do when you binge:

• Get away from the food. Go somewhere else so that you aren't tempted to eat more. You will just get more upset.
• Stay calm. Take deep breaths and try not to obsess over it. Don't go and count the calories up in everything you ate.
• Think about taking some medicine to make your stomach feel better. Your body isn't going to like all the junk you put into it.
• Get yourself involved in a different activity. What were you doing before you binged? If you were watching TV, then stop watching TV.
• After you've calmed down, try to think about WHY you binged. Was it because you were really emotional? Did your hunger overtake you? Try to do something else when this happens. If it's emotional, try talking to someone or writing it down. If it's hunger, try having a small snack and eat it away from other food.
• Always remember that tomorrow is a new day.

I hope this helped!

Binge. Purge. Fast.

     So I ended up binging and purging last night. I'm so mad at myself. I've been trying to stop purging, but it's just so addictive. Nothing good ever comes out of it either. I only lost 0.8lb. Since I didn't lose what I wanted I decided that I'm going to fast today. I'm either going to fast until 6:30AM tomorrow or until 12PM tomorrow. It all depends on how I feel.
     My mistake yesterday was listening to my boyfriend. He was saying "You're not fat. It's okay to have a snack before bed." No, fuck you. I am fat and it turned into a huge binge. My stomach was so upset this morning. Today I'm going to go home and do my chores and then go out shopping. I'll try on clothes that are too small for me. That will make me want to be skinnier, but also I'll be away from food. I might buy a scale too. I need one for school and that's only a month away.
     So far I've been fasting 15 hours. Not a lot, but any amount is good. By the end I'm hoping to be at 32.5 to 38 hours. I might do another fast later this week, but I'm not sure yet. I'll keep you posted!