Self Confidence and Mints

     So many girls, not just ones with eating disorders, struggle with self confidence, and it sucks. When I was younger, I loved myself. I thought I was so beautiful. Then, one girl told me that thinking you are beautiful is selfish and egotistical, and I haven't felt the same way since. WHY? Why do people think it's "selfish" to have self confidence? What is so bad about liking yourself.
     I made a big step today though with self confidence. I've been trying to convince myself that I don't care what other people think about me. There's all these things I want to wear, but I'm always too afraid that people will think I'm weird or ugly. I want to be one of those girls that wears heels all the time. I think heels are so feminine, yet they give you a certain power. I'm always too afraid what people will think. I always feel like I can't pull them off. Well today I decided fuck what people think, I'm wearing heels. I bought a cute pair of wedge sandal in March and I've only worn them twice, for Easter and a graduation party. Today I wore them. Not to a special occasion, but because I wanted to. I wore them to the bank AND to Target. I did have some anxiety about it, but not too bad. I just kept telling myself "I don't care" and it worked! I'm really proud of myself that I was confident enough to do that.
     While I was at Target, I picked up some mints. I was originally there buying a scale, which I got, but I saw some Altoids and thought they would be good to help me quit smoking. Well guess what? There's only 1/2 a calories in each mint! They're the Altoid smalls and they give you just enough to make your mouth pepperminty without being too much. Plus apparently peppermint supresses appetite, so that's nice. Whenever I get super hungry, I'll just pop a mint! It's great.

     I'm trying to fast for the rest of the day. My parents won't be home until late, so I can skip meals. Just need to keep busy for the rest of the day! Working on a new blog layout (;
 

7/23 Intake

Breakfast:

Diet Coke - 0

Lunch:

Nothing - 0

Dinner:

Flour Tortilla - 150

Taco Cheese - 50

Salsa - 15

Onion - 8

Mushroom - 10

Baby Spinach -2

Total: 235

Exercise: 642

Net: -407

     So I broke my fast at 8PM tonight. I know, it's not the best, but at least I did some fasting. I was feeling dizzy so I made a weird veggie burrito and it was delicious. I was going to eat these microwave noodles, but they were gross. The best part about today is If every day were like today you'd weigh 97.9 lbs in five weeks. So happy about that.Obviously I can't eat this little every day, but it's a start. I think I'm going to do that same thing tomorrow. Let's aim for 24 hours instead of 22 this time?

Binge. Purge. Fast.

     So I ended up binging and purging last night. I'm so mad at myself. I've been trying to stop purging, but it's just so addictive. Nothing good ever comes out of it either. I only lost 0.8lb. Since I didn't lose what I wanted I decided that I'm going to fast today. I'm either going to fast until 6:30AM tomorrow or until 12PM tomorrow. It all depends on how I feel.
     My mistake yesterday was listening to my boyfriend. He was saying "You're not fat. It's okay to have a snack before bed." No, fuck you. I am fat and it turned into a huge binge. My stomach was so upset this morning. Today I'm going to go home and do my chores and then go out shopping. I'll try on clothes that are too small for me. That will make me want to be skinnier, but also I'll be away from food. I might buy a scale too. I need one for school and that's only a month away.
     So far I've been fasting 15 hours. Not a lot, but any amount is good. By the end I'm hoping to be at 32.5 to 38 hours. I might do another fast later this week, but I'm not sure yet. I'll keep you posted!

Keeping Distracted

     Since I'm going to be eating a lot less than normal this week, I need to find ways to distract myself. Distractions make it a lot easier for me to skip meals. I always make a list of things that I can do instead of eating. For example, this is what I'm going to do today.

• Go to therapy right after work.
• After therapy go to the food store to get things for tomorrow's soup
• Unload dishwasher
• Put away all clean clothes
• Pick up dirty clothes
• Take a shower
• Work on blog
• Watch netflix
• Go to bed early

     When I'm doing extreme restricting, I make sure to stay away from things that might trigger me to binge. I don't watch TV [only netflix in bed] because it's too close to the kitchen. I don't go out with friends because they always want to get food. Also, I don't exercise too much. Lots of exercise is dangerous when extreme restricting or fasting. Your body doesn't have enough fuel and you could faint or have a heart attack. I stick to walking.
     I also make sure to stay hydrated. I drink water all day long. It keeps me feeling full and alert. I also drink diet soda with caffeine in it. I make sure to get a lot of sleep so that I have enough energy to make it through the day. This means going to bed at 9:30PM and waking up at 6:30AM. Sometimes I will chew gum or smoke to keep my mouth busy.
     Other things that distract me are:

• Shopping or just walking around stores
• Painting my nails
• Playing video games

     It's important to have a plan to keep you from binging. Always remember that if you feel faint or just uwell, stop restricting/fasting and seek medical help. Listen to your body and be safe.