Feeling Better

     Thanks for your kind words on my last post. It really means a lot that people actually care about me.
     So, I'm not feeling 100% better, but I was definitely less depressed than yesterday. I cried myself to sleep last night and when I woke up my boyfriend called me right away to make sure I was okay. I spent the day packing for school. I'm so excited now! I move in on Monday. I promise I will start making better posts once I move in! Everything has been so hectic.

I Don't Deserve Food

     Wow. I know. I've been a shitty blogger lately. I've just been so depressed. I haven't been replying to comments and I haven't been keeping up with people's blogs. I'm terrible. I spent today laying in bed and thinking of different ways to kill myself. I also made pasta [wtf] and ate half a container of cookies. Ew. But that was it. Because I don't deserve food. I'm too much of a shitty person. I don't deserve it.
     I keep gaining weight. I'm not exercising. I can't quit smoking. I crashed my car. I'm not packed for school. I'm basically just a failure.

Crumpled Car

     First off, I'd like to apologize for not posting for a while! I've been really busy and stressed out. And one of those reasons is because I crashed my car! Awesome.
     I was supposed to have a 10:30 doctor's appointment on Friday, but my brother broke his foot so my mom had to be around to drive him to his later appointment. She switched our appointments so that mine was at 3:30. I was really pissed because I was supposed to be doing all this fun stuff with my boyfriend. So at 3:00 I got into my car to go to the doctors and started backing out of the driveway and bam. I smashed into my boyfriend giant jeep. I had completely forgot that he was parked behind me. My car crumpled. One of my taillights in completely gone. My bumper is all smashed. My trunk is bent up. It sucks.
     So I don't have a car for the remainder of the summer. Which sucks. I've just been sitting at home and eating and crying and gaining weight and hating myself.

Partying with an ED

     On the rare occasion that I get invited to a party, and the even more rare occasion that I decide to go, I always have anxiety about it. Especially when it comes to calories. Parties are filled with calories. Pizza. Chips. Alcohol. It's a mess. I used to party a lot more when I was younger. And I've learned, the hard way, what to do and what not to do when it comes to partying when you have an ED.
     The number one rule: NEVER DRINK ON AN EMPTY STOMACH. I have done this so many times. And I've seen people recommending others to do this. It seems like a great idea, right? Save your calories for the day so you can get drunk with your friends. No. You will get drunk way too fast. You'll be the super sloppy drunk that no one likes. You will probably throw up, and you will run out of stuff to throw up and it will hurt. You have a higher chance of blacking out and that never ends well. But, most importantly, you will do major damage to your body. The alcohol will not be absorbed into any food. Your body will digest it faster and there will be very high concentrations in you liver. After awhile this can lead to permanent liver damage. So, before you drink, please please please eat something.
      Never feel pressured to drink. Not drinking alcohol is the best way to avoid liquid calories. Just drink diet soda all night or even make up a mock-tail. If people are pressuring you to drink, then those people suck. You don't need to drink to have fun.
     BYOB. Bring your own beer / beverage. When guys throw parties, they usually don't buy diet soda. It's full calorie beer and full calorie soda. I always bring my own drink. Then I know how much alcohol is it. I know how many calories are in it. I know that no one put drugs in it. I just feel so much better about the night. It also control how much I'll drink. This is a great option if you're not drinking too. Bring a soda and if someone offers you a beer, say you already have a drink. They usually assume it's alcoholic.
     Dance! This is the best way to avoid feeling the guilt of "I ate a meal and I'm drinking." I love dancing at parties. It's fun. You meet new people. And it burns calories! No more guilt about have a drink! The best part it that if you embarrass yourself, just play it off like you're really drunk.
     Have fun and be Safe. Parties are meant for people to have fun at, so enjoy yourself. But, remember to be safe. Use the buddy system. Keep track of how much you're drinking. Drink water in between drinks. Have safe way home (taxi, designated driver, walking). If you feel unsafe, don't be afraid to leave with your friends or ask someone to get you, even if it's your mom!

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 3

Last Weight: 124.4

Todays Weight: 124.6

Difference: +0.2

Last Goal: 122.4 by 8/21

Goal Met? No

New Goal: 122.8 by 8/28

     Another gain! No surprise there, because I'm a failure. All I've been doing is binging and being depressed and having panic attacks. I can't stand it. I woke up this morning and couldn't fit into my jeans, so I had to wear my "fat pants" which are usually super loose. Now they're not. What's really bothering me is that I'm seeing some of the people I used to be friends with this weekend. I want to be skinny to show them up. But, that's not going to happen. I'm planning on only eating 1 meal today, but tomorrow my dad is taking me to Wendy's. I hate feeling so fat.

Need a New Therapist

     So, I had my last EMDR session on Monday. [post about that here] I decided that I don't think that EMDR is right for me. It didn't really help much. Possibly because I have a very short attention span. And a bad memory. I don't know. All I know is that I need to find someone new. I have so many options, and it's really overwhelming.
     My first option is to see a counselor at school. I am going to pursue this first. I only saw one of the school counselors for a couple weeks, but she was very helpful. The woman that I saw before isn't at the school anymore. I'm kind of upset about this. That means telling my life story to another fucking person. The other problem is I'm not sure if the school does long term treatment. I want to be able to keep the same person all school year. Also, they don't really specialize in what I need, so that's another issue.
     My second option is to find an outside therapist. This is what I'll do if my school denies long term treatment. I hate trying to find a therapist. My first therapist was amazing, and I compare everyone to her. I want a female doctor. I want them to have a doctorate in the field. I want them to have a background with trauma / sexual abuse. I need them to accept my insurance. It's so much to ask for. A lot of the therapists around the area don't have a doctorate and most of them are social workers who also do counseling. I need more than that. I hop my school can give me a referral to a good doctor.
     The next option is that I might go back on medication. This means finding a psychiatrist. I'm not sure if it's exacltly what I want yet, but it's something I might have to do. I have'nt hurt myseld since I've been off my meds [10 months soon!] but maybe it was just those types or that combination that wasn't working for me. I hated my previous psychiatrist, which is why I haven't gone back to see one. Again, I'm hoping that my school can give me a referral.
     My other option is acupuncture and/or herbal remedies. My EMDR therapist suggested it to me, since I didn't like medication before. I looked into it, and it seems like it might be something good for me. However, it usually isn't covered by insurance and I'm poor. Also, most of the accupunturists in Boston aren't open to fit my schedule. I have class until 6 or 7 at night. So it's would be extremely hard to fit it into my schedule ontop of doing CBT therapy.
     This has really been bothering me all day. I'm sure that my school will be able to help, because they can't just say no to helping me and leave me with no where to go. I just need to not stress out about it. I can't do anything until I'm back in the city anyways. Wish me luck!

If you are looking for a therapist try this site or this site. And good luck to you too!

Stopping the Cycle

     So, these past couple weeks I've been on a huge binge cycle where I restrict all day until about 9PM and then eat to the point of almost vomiting, but I can't purge because my parents are always around. I feel huge. I feel so disgusting. I don't want to be seen like this. I was watching Supersize vs. Super Skinny last night [can be found here] and it just made me realize that if I keep eating this much, I'm going to get so huge. I know what I need to do, but I always think it'll be okay to have just a little bit of chips or just one cookie. But that never happens. I always lose control. I can't let myself do that anymore. And it used to be fine to do it, because I could just purge. Now with my parents and brother always around, I can't do that and I have to deal with all this high fat & high calorie food sitting in my stomach. So things I need to starts doing:

• Eat slower. I eat too fast and then don't feel full until I've already eaten a whole box of cookies..
• Keep track of how many pounds I want to lose. I'm going to write the number on my hand or wrist every day. It's less noticeable than a weight.Today's number is 25.
• Choose better foods. If I want chips, then have a rice cake. If I want cookies, then have some prunes. No one wants to binge on rice cakes! But I can still get the crunchiness. 
• Spend less time at my house. I need to make plans for the week so I'm not sitting at my house with nothing to do but go to food.
• Write more. I'm an emotional eater and I need to get my emotions out of me instead of stuffing food into myself.

     That's all I got for now. I'm so terrified of becoming fat. I need to get this under control. And I'm sorry that I make so many lists. It's an obsession!

Camping is the New Hell

     So, I made this post about how I was going camping this past weekend. And I wasn't looking forward to it. And guess what, it was as bad, if not worse, than I expected. I realized a few things this weekend. I never want a dog. I'm claustrophobic. And I hate my boyfriend's step-dad.
     This guy is a homophobic misogynistic prick. The first thing that bothered me was that he kept making fun of me for being a vegetarian. Saying I didn't get enough protein and it was making my brain fail. I was mad. Then, a lesbian couple and their kids moved into the campsite next to us. All he did was call them "stupid fat dykes" and say "why do they allow people like that to have kids?" I was pissed. Then I wanted to roast marshmallows over the fire. "Okay go buy some sticks." I was like "We can just break a stick off of a tree." His reply? " That's fucking disgusting! There's bugs on those!" Dude, we're fucking camping. So we bought wooden sticks that were made in a factory in China. Then the lesbian couple was cooking food in tin foil over the fire. "That's so nasty. Why would you do that!?" Uhm, did you forget, WE'RE CAMPING. Made fun of me for eating a lot. Told me I couldn't do anything right because I was a woman. Kept asking me if I was high. Said my family was messed up. Complained about not being able to get the cable tv to work (yes while camping). Then when I fixed it, told me it couldn't have been me who fixed it because I'm a woman. All they had planned for us to do was sit around watching tv.
     I almost stabbed someone.
     I'm never going fucking camping with them again. And I gained weight probably. Because I was so pissed so all I did was eat. I should've stayed home. It was so bad.

Vegetarian Life

     So, when I was 16 I decided that I was going to become a vegetarian. I ad recently gained up to my highest weight, and I wanted to get if OFF. I also didn't really like the taste of meat and I love animals. I convinced my mom to let me do it. I printed out lots of graphs and food pyramids. She agreed. I have been living the veggie life ever since! I'm actually a pescatarian, for the sake of sushi, because that's usually the only fish I ever eat. I also don't drink milk, but that's just because it tastes disgusting. I also eat eggs, which people think is weird.. but I love them so I don't care.
     Becoming a vegetarian is one of the best things I ever did. I lost a ton of weight really fast. My body just felt better overall. And I felt really good that I was saving a bunch of cute little cows.
 

     Making the transition into a vegetarian was not that hard for me. However, it can be hard for others. First, I cut out red meat. It was my least favorite thing to eat. That was pretty easy. I would just fill up on extra veggies if my mom made steak that night. Then I cut out processed meats, such as chicken patties. Those were my all time favorite. I substituted them for a vegetarian version. Tyson chicken patties are 200 calories with 13 grams of fat of 9 grams of protein. The morning star Chik patties have 170 calories and only 5 grams of fat and 10 grams of protein. And they taste 10 times better! Even my carnivore brother thinks so. Then I finally cut out all of meats, which was easy because of my moms cooking. Ew. 

     A lot of people ask my if I miss anything that I used to eat. My boyfriend can't understand how I live without bacon. There's really only one thing that I miss. McDonald's chicken nuggets.

     Whenever I tell someone I'm a vegetarian, they freak out a little about how to feed me. It's not that hard. Just take the meat out. Making spaghetti and meatballs? I'll just have spaghetti. Going out for burritos? Bean burritos are my favorite. My mom just cooks extra sides for me to eat. When I go out to eat, I always look at the menu before-hand. Most restaurants have vegetarian options. Burger King even has veggie burgers now!

     The biggest thing to remember, it that you can eat whatever the fuck you want. People judge me all the time for being a vegetarian, but I don't care because I eat what I like, and I don't like meat, so I don't eat it! Simple as that!

Camping

     So, this weekend I'm going camping. Ew. Last time I went camping was in a tent. And it rained. And I got soaked. This time however, I'm going in an RV. With 4 other people. And 2 dogs. You can probably tell that I'm not very excited. This is why.
Cons of Camping:

• No privacy!
• Have to eat what food is there.
• Can't exercise when I want.
• Hard to hide my habits.
• High caloric foods like s'mores

     I'm trying to stay positive though, because I am going with my boyfriend and I want him to be happy. So these are some of the positive aspects:
Pros of Camping:

• Hiking is good exercise.
• Limited food means I can't binge.
• Easier to make excuses because it's not my own family.
• I can pack my own low-cal food.
• I get to spend the weekend with my lovely boyfriend.
• There's a pool at the campsite and swimming burns calories.

     I really want this weekend to be a good one. I want to enjoy my last couple weekends of the summer. I'm leaving tonight and coming back Sunday night. I'll be sure to let you all know how it went!

Goodbye Dinner

     So one of my friends is starting college soon and she's moving in Sunday. I'm going away this weekend, so I won't be around to say good-bye. She wanted to go out to dinner tonight so that I could see her before she left. We decided to get sushi. I was okay with this because I love sushi and I can justify the calories. I planned what I was going to eat and I added the calories up and I was happy.
     Then she called me right before I got home. "I can't afford sushi. We're going to Red Robin instead." What. The. Fuck. Now, Red Robin is delicious. But oh so fatty and gross and filling. I didn't have any time to calculate and figure out what to eat. I ended up getting a veggie burger with cheese, which is what I usually get. Oh my god. I still feel sick. All that fat. I want to throw up.
     I hate when my friends pick the restaurant. I can't tell them how much it bothers me, because I don't want them to know. And I couldn't ask her to pick a different place, because it was her dinner. I did run 2 miles today though, and I walked 14,000 steps at work. I still feel disgusting.

When I'm Skinny

When I'm skinny I will...

• wear thigh-high stockings
• wear heels
• post on lookbook
• be cute
• wear dresses
• have more friends
• be happier
• be more outgoing

I know that none of this is probably true. I will probably just lay in bed and cry all the time and still think I'm ugly. I girl can dream though, right?

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 2

Last Weight: 122.4

Todays Weight: 124.4

Difference: +2.0

Last Goal: 120.4 by 8/14

Goal Met? No

New Goal: 122.4 by 8/21

     I'm so pissed at myself. I haven't weighed this much in over 2 years. I am disgusted by this number. I keep blaming the gain on quitting smoking and being stressed out. But there is no one to blame but myself. I lost control. And I need to get that control back.

      So, what's the plan? Obviously what I'm doing isn't working, so new plan. I lowered my calorie allowance to 500 net calories a day. I have to jog 2 times a week for 30 minutes while I'm still working. When I go back to school, it has to be 3 times a week. I must walk 10,000 steps a day at least on work days. Food that I can have whenever will be fruits and vegetables. Food that is limited is beans, rice cakes, low fat dairy, avocado, quinoa. Food that is off limits except when I have no choice: bread, rice, junk food. yes this means putting my bagel thins in the freezer until I can control myself.

     I need to regain control of my diet, my weight, and my life. My goal is to be 117 lbs by the time school starts. Wish me luck!

Water

     I hate when people say "I don't drink water because it makes me fat." No. No. No. Water does not make you fat. Water is the one thing that has zero calories! Water is vital for your body. You can't survive for than 3 day without any water. It is recommended that the average adult drink 8 glasses of water a day. Drinking water is especially important for weight loss or if you just want to be healthy! And you don't gain weight from it. Yes, the actual water will weigh something in your stomach, but you just pee it out! So how can you drink more?

• Bring a water bottle every where. I have one in my car, at my desk at work, and next to my bed. It's always there to grab!
• Replace your drinks. Replace your usual juice with breakfast or soda with lunch for some water.
• Order water at restaurants. It's usually free so you can cut down the cost of your meal. [I'm poor]
• Flavor your water. If you don't like the taste of water, then get some crystal light or mio and add some flavor. You won't be able to stop drinking it!

8/12 Intake and Shoes!!

Breakfast:

Bagel Thin - 55

Spray Butter - 0

Lunch:

Peach Cup - 30

Cottage Cheese - 45

Cucumber - 8

Baby Carrots - 35

Prunes - 40

Dinner:

Olive Oil - 40

 Onions - 17

Bell Pepper - 9

Mushrooms - 8

Black Beans - 47

Corn - 66

Salsa - 25

Avocado - 96

Tortilla Chips - 140

Snacks:

Tortilla Chips - 140

Bean Dip - 30

Salsa - 13

Total: 844

Exercise: 291

Net: 553

     Okay, so yesterday wasn't the greatest day ever, but it wasn't the worst either. I almost didn't go for a run yesterday, but I did and it made me feel so much better! Also, yesterday I got my new shoes that I ordered from eBay and they're absolutely amazing. I'm feeling good about today. I'm hoping to make it better than yesterday!

To Do Before Weigh-In

     Since I'm really scared about me weigh-in in two days, I've devised a plan that has to work to get me to the weight I want to be. I have to follow it exactly as it is! 
     Today: I'm going to eat my lunch that i brought today, and no other snacks. When I get home, I am going to put my sheets into the wash and then going for a 30 minute jog. Then I'm going to take a shower and have dinner. If my mom is making dinner, I will just have a little of what she makes. If not, then I will make a mixture of beans and veggies with salsa on it. I will not eat any snacks after this, even if I have "left over" calories. After dinner, I will clean and put away my clean laundry. Then I will paint my nails. while watching netflix. Then I will organize things for school. Finally I will call my boyfriend and go to sleep.
     Tomorrow: I'm going to go through my normal work day. After work, I will do some more laundry and then 30 minutes of pilates. Then I'll shower. After I will have dinner. If my mom doesn't cook then I'll have a salad with a veggie burger cut up on it. After dinner I will clean and then organize things for school again. Then I will watch netflix and NOT eat any snacks. Then I'll talk to my boyfriend and go to bed.
     If I follow this plan, I should definitely be able to get to 120lbs by Wednesday. Then I will make a similar plan for the next week. If I make a precise plan, then I'm more likely to follow it.

Weekend Adventures

      I haven't posted in a few days because I've been really busy this weekend mixed with also being pretty depressed lately. So here's is just a little update.
     Friday: Friday I went shopping and got some new clothes for school. I was feel pretty awesome. Then when I got home my brother and I got into a fight and I decided to eat a ton of junk food and then go to sleep instead of dealing with it.
     Saturday: Saturday I went to the beach and on my Uncle's boat. I was feeling good and having some drinks and then we ordered pizza. I didn't feel bad about it because I was a little tipsy. Then I got really bloated after eating and my uncle called me fat. After the beach, I told my friend I was going to take a shower and then we could hang out later. Come 10 PM, no one had texted me to hangout so I was going to go to bed. I went on twitter to see all my friends tweeting about hanging out together and they hadn't invited me. Cue eating an entire bag of cheesy popcorn.
     Sunday: Sunday I went into the city to visit one of my friends who is graduating soon. I went with my college roommate, and of course her family owns a bakery in the North End. We ate some sweets but then walked around a lot. Then I had a spinach and cheese calzone. Not diet drinks. Then we went to our school and our friend made pasta with sauce and buttery bread. And my roommate brought cannolis for dessert.
     I have to weigh in on Wednesday and I'm scared to fuck. I need to stop using food to cope with my depression. It's so bad. :/

Zero Calorie Noodles - The Truth

     Okay almost anyone in the ED community, or even just dieters, have heard of these amazing noodles. They've been called Zero Noodles, Miracle Noodles, amount other names. Imagine, noodles with no calories! Sounds great, right? But of course there's a catch.
     Theses noodles are actually shirataki noodles. They're made from a type of Japanese yam. The ones I buy also contain tofu, so they're not zero calories. There's 15 calories per serving with 2 servings per bag. One serving a plenty for one person. They come in a bag filled with liquid. I found them next to the tofu at my local super market. The noodles are very squishy and remind me of microwave udon noodles.
     I have nothing against these noodles, but there are things you should know before purchasing them. They smell. Like really bad. This means you have to rinse them, a lot. And try microwaving them in some water. They don't taste how they smell, so don't worry. Also, these noodles aren't that great to replace pasta. They taste much better in Asian food, especially in a stir fry. They have a weird texture, so if you have a texture problem, they might not be good for you. Also, they are a bit pricey, but I have found coupons before!
     Today I made a delicious dinner that under 200 calories for the whole thing. It was so filling that I didn't even eat it all though. First I prepared the noodles. I drained them and then heated them in a non-stick skillet to dry them out a bit. I took them out and then added cut up veggies with a little bit of olive oil. I cooked them and then added an instant stir fry sauce. I mixed that up and then added the noodles. It was so delicious!
    

8/7 Intake

Breakfast:

Bagel Thin - 55

Spray Butter - 0

Lunch:

Peaches - 30

Cottage Cheese - 45

Cucumber - 8

Baby Carrots - 35

Prunes - 40

Dinner:

Udon Noodles - 250

Snacks:

Pecan Honey Crunch - 75

Mushrooms - 8

Jalapeno Cheddar Dip - 60

Bell Pepper - 23

Baby Carrots - 21

Total: 650

Exercise: 76

Net: 574

     I'm really happy with how today went. I'm glad that I'm having breakfast again. It really works for me. Dinner was because I was super hungry and my mom wasn't home from the grocery store yet. It's just a simple stove top noodle pack, but it's good. I did say earlier that I wasn't going to have snacks at work, but people just expect me to eat it because I'm thin. So I had the Pecan honey thing, but it was just a little. After dinner I waited about 30 mins and then made a snack. Fresh veggies are amazing. You can eat so much for barely any calories. I cut up a bunch of veggies and dipped them in this dip we have. I'm going to see if we can get like "diet" dip to use. If I stay on this track, then I can lose weight really easily!

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 1

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In! From now on I'll just call it WWW.

Last Weight: 121.4

Todays Weight: 122.4

Difference: +1.0

Goal: 120.4 by 8/14

     ugh. I gained weight. It's because I've been binging like crazy. When I get upset, all I do is eat. I need to find something else to do besides eat. I was smoking before, but now that's I'm quitting I'm not sure what to do. Also, I'm going on 4+ day with no poop. It's gross, I know, but that has to add to some of the reason why I gained. Even with my binges my calories intake was still under 2000 a day and I've been exercising. Gaining weight just all around sucks.

     So what's my plan for this next week before weigh-in again? I'm going to be really strict with myself. No snacking after dinner even if I have calories left over. I'm going to try spreading my dinner out. Like eat one thing at a time and then wait to eat more. That way I can see if I'm really hungry or not. Exercise cannot be skipped. No excuses. I'm hoping to drop 2 lbs this week. I NEED to drop 2 lbs this week.

     I still need to stay positive though. If I'm not positive, then I'll get depressed and when I'm depressed I binge and when I binge, I gain weight. A lady at work gave me a gift card to Starbucks, and that's awesome because it's a 1 mile walk from my school. So there's an easy excuse to walk 2 miles! And black coffee with splenda has barely any calories. If I stay strict with myself, I can be 116lbs by the time I go back to school! I just need to stay motivated and stop being so damn depressed!

8/6 Intake

Lunch:

Green beans - 17

Cottage Cheese - 45

Peaches - 30

Black beans - 35

Corn - 33

Dinner:

Corn Chips - 70

Black beans - 47

Corn - 66

Onions - 17

Over Easy Egg - 70

Salsa - 25

Olive Oil - 20

Snacks:

Jelly Donut Thing - 150

Prunes - 40

Total: 665

Exercise: 267

Net: 398

     I'm really proud with today. I've been binging like crazy lately and it's nice to have a good day. I went for a run today, because my therapist told me that I really need to be working out instead of spending all day on my butt. Today I went food shopping with my mom and I always buy too much. I got cucumber, carrots, avocado, rice cakes, prunes, zero noodles. I go so overboard. All I wanted were these Asian noodle microwave meals and the store didn't even have them. I was able to get microwave Udon noodles that don't have meat product in it! That'll be a treat for one night. 

     Tomorrow is my weekly weight in day, and I'm scared. My stomach is HUGE. I haven't made a bowel movement in 3 days, going on to 4 days. I know that this is going to fuck up my weigh in. Ugh. Why does my body hate me? Oh yeah. Because I can't decide if I'm going to starve myself or stuff 10,000 calories down my throat. :/

Favorite Low Calorie Foods

     I always have to stock up on low-calorie foods that I can eat without feeling guilty. This is a list of my favorites, by category. Feel free to comment with low-cal foods that you like!
Vegetables: carrot sticks, bell pepper, mushrooms, green beans, cucumbers, baby spinach, onion, tomato, Green Giant steam bags, broccoli. You can make a big salad or you can cook up a BUNCH of veggies for a low-cal., yet filling, meal.
Fruit: Peach cups, applesauce, watermelon, apples, oranges, strawberries, raspberries. I like to have fruit as a snack because it's sweet. If you buy packaged fruit (like in a can) make sure it's in water (not syrup) with no sugar added.
Grain: Sandwich thins, Bagel thins, low-fat crackers, quinoa. The sandwich thins are 100 calories for one. That's like 2 pieces of bread for 100 calories. The bagel thins are 110 calories each. You can have half a bagel for 55 calories. Yum.
Dairy: low-fat or fat-free cottage cheese, low-fat or fat-free mozzarella, light Silk soy milk. I always get cheese cravings really bad, and fat-free cottage cheese is 40 calories for 1/4 cup. It's good plain or with fruit mixed in. The light soy milk I get is 50 calories for 1 cup.
Protein: Gardein Crispy Tenders, tofu, black beans. I'm a vegetarian, and I LOVE the gardein tenders. Trader Joe's has their own brand too. They're 50 calories each and go awesome on top of salad. Tofu and black beans make good additions to food and the protein keeps you full.
Drinks: diet coke, tea, black coffee, water, diet/light juice. Most "light juices have 50 calories or under per cup.

Don't Be Afraid to Ask for Help

     If you have symptoms of a mental illness and you want help, then you shouldn't be afraid to ask for it. It can be very difficult to find the courage to seek help. This is mainly because people view mental illness as something for "crazy" people. But it's not. There are many people who suffer from mental illness that aren't "crazy." You shouldn't be afraid to get help. If you had the flu, you would go see a doctor. If you had a broken arm, you would go see a doctor. It should be no difference for mental illness.

     I know that seeking help can seem difficult, but it will be worth it in the long run. It took me years to ask my mom if I could see a therapist, but I did. And it has helped me so much!

• You need to tell someone. The first step to getting help is to tell someone that you want help. I chose to tell my mom. You could tell your parents, your significant other, your school counselor. But tell someone who will be there to help your journey.
• Have a back-up. If you're afraid that your parents, or whomever, won't think that you need help, then plan a second person to tell. Go to your school's counselor and tell them. They could set you up with a school psychologist or set up a meeting with your parents to talk to them about what is best for you.
• Visit your general practitioner. If you don't know where to start, visit your primary care doctor. They can explain what you're options are. My GP recommended a psychologist to me and helped me set everything up.
• Find a doctor. Finding a therapist can be difficult. My first therapist was recommended by my doctor. My second was appointed to me through the school. My third and current therapist I found online. One thing you can do is call your insurance and ask for mental health providers who take your insurance.
• Choose your plan. There are many types of therapy that you can go through. Psychotherapy. CBT. EDMR. Hypnosis. Read about what is offered and what will work most with your problems. Then create a plan with your doctor to decide what problems you're going to tackle and set goals of where you want to be in the future.
• Don't give up if it doesn't work. Finding a good therapist can be hard. If you don't gel with your doctor, then the therapy won't work. You can try to make things work out, but if you really don't like your doctor, then don't be afraid to switch. There's no point in paying to see someone who can't help you. You can find something that works for you!

How to Begin Running

     Exercise is super important. It's good for your body, helps you lose weight, and makes you feel better about yourself. A simple way to workout your whole body is by running. Most people think that running is too hard for them, but it can be easy in no time with the right preparation. Here's a list of things you can do to help yourself get into running!

• Plan where you're going to run. You can run on a treadmill or you can run outdoors. Determine which is the best choice for you.
• Get the right clothes. Sneakers are a must have. Try to get nice running sneakers. I got mine on sale! Also, wear a sports bra, a comfy shirt, and shorts or sweatpants. Make sure they won't fall off!
• Start small. You won't be able to run a marathon your first day. If you're really not in shape, try starting by walking for 20-30 minutes a couple days a week and then add in bits on jogging.
• Get an app. Apps are great for keeping track of your runs. I like the Nike one and Run keeper. I also like C25K, which helps your run a 5K in 8 weeks or something. I like the app because you tells you when to run and when to walk while you're do the exercise.
• Push yourself, but not too much. Try to run further or faster every time. However, don't push yourself too hard. You don't want to hurt yourself. Do what feels right. Listen to your body.
• Make sure your are medically cleared. If you have any medical condition make sure with your doctor that your body can handle running. I have asthma and always have to take my inhaler first!
• Stay hydrated. Bring a bottle of water on your runs and take sips every now and then so you can stay hydrated. Don't drink the whole bottle at once while running because you will feel sick.
• Always stretch. Stretch after every run. Even if it's short. Even if you're really tired. You will be in a lot more pain if you don't stretch.
• Have fun! Running, for the most part, should be enjoyable. If after a couple runs, you find no enjoyment, then maybe running isn't for you!

3 Years to the Day

     So, I don't know if you remember, but about a week and a half ago my ex came over. If you don't remember, read this and this. Ever since that happened, I've been feeling like shit. I've been smoking a lot again. I've been eating all the time. Non-stop crying. Well, this weekend I was with my boyfriend and I was thinking about my life and trying to figure out what was bothering me. Then it just hit me.
     My ex had come over on July 24th. I looked in my calander on my phone and went all the way back to 2010. On July 24th. And hey, guess what? That was the day that stupid fucker raped me.
     I'm so pissed. I can't believe he would fucking do that. Come to my house after 3 fucking years. I've been trying to hard to just forget that it all happened and now I can't. I'm repressing my emotions again. I'm disasociating all the time. I want to kill him.
     I'm so incredibly frustrated and I just really don't know what to do. I can't talk to anyone about it because no one understands and I'm sick of crying to my boyfriend. I'm sorry I've been such a mess lately. I hope that I'll be okay soon. <3

Skinny Girls

Just posting some pictures that I like because I didn't really know what to blog about. I won't be able to answer any comments on posts until Sunday because I'm away for the weekend. I'll try to post something on my phone though! Happy Friday!

Something's Wrong

     I don't even want to talk about what I ate today. I had a nice healthy dinner planned. Mushrooms, onions, and an egg. Then I added some beans and corn. I ate it and I thought I would be done. But then I couldn't even control myself from eating one of everything in our junk cabinet. This happened at 6:30 pm. It's 11pm and I still feel like I'm going to vomit. I didn't want to purge, so I went out with my friend for a while. I hate myself and I have no control. 

     I think I'm repressing my feelings. I've had a huge problem with this my whole life. It's led to various eating problems and also my self harm problem. I hide my feelings so much that I don't even know what's bothering me. But something is. I've so disconnected and I can't control my eating and my bowels are fucked over but I can't do laxatives because I'm driving to my boyfriends tomorrow. 

     I can't put a finger to what's bothering me. And I'm thinking so hard, but I just don't know what. I hate my therapist. I decided that. I lied and told her I couldn't see her the last week in August. So now we only have 2 more appointments. I want to go back and see a counselor at school. They're much more helpful. They want me to get a full psych evaluation at a near by hospital. Ill probably do that some Friday after class. 

     I hate my brother. He's a loser. He's going no where in life. I'm such a perfectionist that its embarrassing to say that I'm related to him. He's a jerk. He's 17 and still thinks that he can be famous. Grow up and decide what you really want to do with your life. 

     I'm hoping that this weekend with my boyfriend will make me feel a little better. Even writing this out I feel better, so thanks for listening. The only time I feel happy is when I'm with him and right after I go jogging. Gunna try to go for a jog in the morning before the long drive. Ill answer any comments from today in the morning. Hope all is well. Stay strong. Stay beautiful. Stay safe. <3

August is Mine

     A new month means new beginnings. This summer has been strange. I feel that all I do is work. Also, I've been feeling very disconnected these past couple months. My therapist blames PTSD. But, I think things are looking up this month. I've been feeling a lot more positive lately. [My therapist thinks I'm having a manic episode but screw that] I have big things planned for August. I'm excited!
New Exercise Routine: Go for a jog twice a week for 30 mins. Aim to run further every time. Finish the 30 day squat challenge. Do pilates twice a week for 30 mins. Walk as much as possible.
New Diet Plan: Starting at 600 net calories a day for one week and then going down 50 calories every week. If I eat any over, I must exercise it off. I will not deprive myself. I will measure out all food. I will only weigh in once a week on Wednesdays.
New Attitude: I will not care what people think about me. I will wear what I want and do what I want with my life.
     I really hope that this plan works out! Does anyone else have any monthly goals?