Weekend of Eating Too Much

     I hate holidays because they always revolve around food. Especially ones like the Fourth of July where it's all cookouts and booze. Ugh.
     Thursday, I ate way too much at my work's cookout. All junk food too. Mostly cookies. So then I decided I wasn't going to eat dinner. But I wanted to get ridiculously drunk. So Romeo bought me a bottle of Bacardi and me, him, and my best friend went to the carnival and drank and went on rides. Then we went to McDonald's and I was trashed and thought french fries sounded like a great idea. Then we were going to a party and some kids tried to jump us but ... we were in a car... and they were on foot... Romeo pulled a knife on them. So what do they do? Throw a bottle of Hennessy into our car. So I drank that too. I was pretty wasted.
     Friday I was like "I'm not gunna eat" but then I took my antibiotics on an empty stomach and I was in horrible pain for 2 hours. I decided too take my best friend out to lunch and got a 1860 calorie meal. Ew. It was pouring rain all day so most festivities were canceled. I had made plans to stay at Romeo's. I wasn't going to eat the rest of the day but we ended up getting pizza at like 9:30 PM. And I had the rest of the Bacardi. And beer.
     Saturday I wasn't going to eat a lot because I had planned on going to R's. However, he broke his fucking phone and I couldn't get a hold of him until later in the day, where he pushed our plans back by 3 hours. I stayed home and just ate food all day with my mom. She made tuna and pasta salad. So. Much. Mayonnaise. Then I finally drove to see R. But guess what. We ended up at Burger King later that night, where I stuffed my face.
     In the morning (by morning I mean noon) he took me out for breakfast and it was so delicious and cute that I didn't care about the calories. I didn't eat again until dinner, but then I totally binged on everything in my house. Ew.
     This upcoming Saturday is my last day on antibiotics. After that I'm going to start restricting again. I miss the hungry feeling.

My Food and Weird Cravings

I really like taking pictures of my food. I think it helps me to do some portion control and what I eat. And it just looks so pretty. So I decided to take some today!
First picture is my breakfast. Glass of cranberry pomegranate juice (50 calories), English muffin (110 calories), fried egg (70 calories), provolone cheese (70 calories) and ketchup (15 calories). It's so delicious and one of my favorite breakfasts. I need to stop eating it so much though because of high fat content (12 grams!) and I want to eat more vegan.  315 calories for my whole breakfast.

Next picture is of my lunch and snacks. I have a diet coke (0 calories), and Nature Valley bar (190 calories), a peach cup (35 calories), baby carrots (35 calories), half a cucumber (23 calories), and a granny smith apple (80 calories). I usually don't eat the Nature Valley bar, but I just grabbed it really quick this morning.

 

So the other thing that has been on my mind is that I've been having the strangest cravings. I really want to eat... flowers. I am hard core craving some flower petals and I have no idea why! I've been looking up recipes for dandelions and roses and lavender and I just want all of them. I've been feeling to need to be closer with nature lately. I might start my own garden. Of flowers. To eat.

Sorry For Being MIA

I realize that I haven't posted in a while. Things have been shitty and weird and everything is a mess.

One of my friends admitted to being obsessively in love with me. I broke up with my boyfriend for a while. That same friends was also extremely depressed and suicidal. He was forced to leave school. My boyfriend and I are back together now. School's been stressful.

I've been eating like shit lately, but I haven't gained too much weight. I've been really depressed. I keep blaming myself for my friend's mental health problems, even though I know it's not my fault.

I'm trying to get shit back together. Get my grades back to where they were. Get my body back to where it was. Things were actually good for a while.

I'll probably post some progress pictures next week sometime.

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 3

Last Weight: 124.4

Todays Weight: 124.6

Difference: +0.2

Last Goal: 122.4 by 8/21

Goal Met? No

New Goal: 122.8 by 8/28

     Another gain! No surprise there, because I'm a failure. All I've been doing is binging and being depressed and having panic attacks. I can't stand it. I woke up this morning and couldn't fit into my jeans, so I had to wear my "fat pants" which are usually super loose. Now they're not. What's really bothering me is that I'm seeing some of the people I used to be friends with this weekend. I want to be skinny to show them up. But, that's not going to happen. I'm planning on only eating 1 meal today, but tomorrow my dad is taking me to Wendy's. I hate feeling so fat.

Stopping the Cycle

     So, these past couple weeks I've been on a huge binge cycle where I restrict all day until about 9PM and then eat to the point of almost vomiting, but I can't purge because my parents are always around. I feel huge. I feel so disgusting. I don't want to be seen like this. I was watching Supersize vs. Super Skinny last night [can be found here] and it just made me realize that if I keep eating this much, I'm going to get so huge. I know what I need to do, but I always think it'll be okay to have just a little bit of chips or just one cookie. But that never happens. I always lose control. I can't let myself do that anymore. And it used to be fine to do it, because I could just purge. Now with my parents and brother always around, I can't do that and I have to deal with all this high fat & high calorie food sitting in my stomach. So things I need to starts doing:

• Eat slower. I eat too fast and then don't feel full until I've already eaten a whole box of cookies..
• Keep track of how many pounds I want to lose. I'm going to write the number on my hand or wrist every day. It's less noticeable than a weight.Today's number is 25.
• Choose better foods. If I want chips, then have a rice cake. If I want cookies, then have some prunes. No one wants to binge on rice cakes! But I can still get the crunchiness. 
• Spend less time at my house. I need to make plans for the week so I'm not sitting at my house with nothing to do but go to food.
• Write more. I'm an emotional eater and I need to get my emotions out of me instead of stuffing food into myself.

     That's all I got for now. I'm so terrified of becoming fat. I need to get this under control. And I'm sorry that I make so many lists. It's an obsession!

Goodbye Dinner

     So one of my friends is starting college soon and she's moving in Sunday. I'm going away this weekend, so I won't be around to say good-bye. She wanted to go out to dinner tonight so that I could see her before she left. We decided to get sushi. I was okay with this because I love sushi and I can justify the calories. I planned what I was going to eat and I added the calories up and I was happy.
     Then she called me right before I got home. "I can't afford sushi. We're going to Red Robin instead." What. The. Fuck. Now, Red Robin is delicious. But oh so fatty and gross and filling. I didn't have any time to calculate and figure out what to eat. I ended up getting a veggie burger with cheese, which is what I usually get. Oh my god. I still feel sick. All that fat. I want to throw up.
     I hate when my friends pick the restaurant. I can't tell them how much it bothers me, because I don't want them to know. And I couldn't ask her to pick a different place, because it was her dinner. I did run 2 miles today though, and I walked 14,000 steps at work. I still feel disgusting.

Water

     I hate when people say "I don't drink water because it makes me fat." No. No. No. Water does not make you fat. Water is the one thing that has zero calories! Water is vital for your body. You can't survive for than 3 day without any water. It is recommended that the average adult drink 8 glasses of water a day. Drinking water is especially important for weight loss or if you just want to be healthy! And you don't gain weight from it. Yes, the actual water will weigh something in your stomach, but you just pee it out! So how can you drink more?

• Bring a water bottle every where. I have one in my car, at my desk at work, and next to my bed. It's always there to grab!
• Replace your drinks. Replace your usual juice with breakfast or soda with lunch for some water.
• Order water at restaurants. It's usually free so you can cut down the cost of your meal. [I'm poor]
• Flavor your water. If you don't like the taste of water, then get some crystal light or mio and add some flavor. You won't be able to stop drinking it!

Weekend Adventures

      I haven't posted in a few days because I've been really busy this weekend mixed with also being pretty depressed lately. So here's is just a little update.
     Friday: Friday I went shopping and got some new clothes for school. I was feel pretty awesome. Then when I got home my brother and I got into a fight and I decided to eat a ton of junk food and then go to sleep instead of dealing with it.
     Saturday: Saturday I went to the beach and on my Uncle's boat. I was feeling good and having some drinks and then we ordered pizza. I didn't feel bad about it because I was a little tipsy. Then I got really bloated after eating and my uncle called me fat. After the beach, I told my friend I was going to take a shower and then we could hang out later. Come 10 PM, no one had texted me to hangout so I was going to go to bed. I went on twitter to see all my friends tweeting about hanging out together and they hadn't invited me. Cue eating an entire bag of cheesy popcorn.
     Sunday: Sunday I went into the city to visit one of my friends who is graduating soon. I went with my college roommate, and of course her family owns a bakery in the North End. We ate some sweets but then walked around a lot. Then I had a spinach and cheese calzone. Not diet drinks. Then we went to our school and our friend made pasta with sauce and buttery bread. And my roommate brought cannolis for dessert.
     I have to weigh in on Wednesday and I'm scared to fuck. I need to stop using food to cope with my depression. It's so bad. :/

Weekend with my Boyfriend

     I over ate. I knew that I would. He makes me eat more than I should. I've gained a little bit, but now that my boyfriend is gone I can just not eat today to lose that little bit. I'm not going to post what I ate, because its repulsive. But it did include ice cream, tacos, and wine. 

     However, I did buy a dress this weekend. It's a body con dress, so I'm a little afraid to wear it out just yet, but a couple more pounds and it'll be perfect. So happy about that!

Body Pics

These pictures disgust me, but they remind me that I need to push forward and take the weight off. Please don't make any rude comments.