Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 3

Last Weight: 124.4

Todays Weight: 124.6

Difference: +0.2

Last Goal: 122.4 by 8/21

Goal Met? No

New Goal: 122.8 by 8/28

     Another gain! No surprise there, because I'm a failure. All I've been doing is binging and being depressed and having panic attacks. I can't stand it. I woke up this morning and couldn't fit into my jeans, so I had to wear my "fat pants" which are usually super loose. Now they're not. What's really bothering me is that I'm seeing some of the people I used to be friends with this weekend. I want to be skinny to show them up. But, that's not going to happen. I'm planning on only eating 1 meal today, but tomorrow my dad is taking me to Wendy's. I hate feeling so fat.

Stopping the Cycle

     So, these past couple weeks I've been on a huge binge cycle where I restrict all day until about 9PM and then eat to the point of almost vomiting, but I can't purge because my parents are always around. I feel huge. I feel so disgusting. I don't want to be seen like this. I was watching Supersize vs. Super Skinny last night [can be found here] and it just made me realize that if I keep eating this much, I'm going to get so huge. I know what I need to do, but I always think it'll be okay to have just a little bit of chips or just one cookie. But that never happens. I always lose control. I can't let myself do that anymore. And it used to be fine to do it, because I could just purge. Now with my parents and brother always around, I can't do that and I have to deal with all this high fat & high calorie food sitting in my stomach. So things I need to starts doing:

• Eat slower. I eat too fast and then don't feel full until I've already eaten a whole box of cookies..
• Keep track of how many pounds I want to lose. I'm going to write the number on my hand or wrist every day. It's less noticeable than a weight.Today's number is 25.
• Choose better foods. If I want chips, then have a rice cake. If I want cookies, then have some prunes. No one wants to binge on rice cakes! But I can still get the crunchiness. 
• Spend less time at my house. I need to make plans for the week so I'm not sitting at my house with nothing to do but go to food.
• Write more. I'm an emotional eater and I need to get my emotions out of me instead of stuffing food into myself.

     That's all I got for now. I'm so terrified of becoming fat. I need to get this under control. And I'm sorry that I make so many lists. It's an obsession!

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 2

Last Weight: 122.4

Todays Weight: 124.4

Difference: +2.0

Last Goal: 120.4 by 8/14

Goal Met? No

New Goal: 122.4 by 8/21

     I'm so pissed at myself. I haven't weighed this much in over 2 years. I am disgusted by this number. I keep blaming the gain on quitting smoking and being stressed out. But there is no one to blame but myself. I lost control. And I need to get that control back.

      So, what's the plan? Obviously what I'm doing isn't working, so new plan. I lowered my calorie allowance to 500 net calories a day. I have to jog 2 times a week for 30 minutes while I'm still working. When I go back to school, it has to be 3 times a week. I must walk 10,000 steps a day at least on work days. Food that I can have whenever will be fruits and vegetables. Food that is limited is beans, rice cakes, low fat dairy, avocado, quinoa. Food that is off limits except when I have no choice: bread, rice, junk food. yes this means putting my bagel thins in the freezer until I can control myself.

     I need to regain control of my diet, my weight, and my life. My goal is to be 117 lbs by the time school starts. Wish me luck!

To Do Before Weigh-In

     Since I'm really scared about me weigh-in in two days, I've devised a plan that has to work to get me to the weight I want to be. I have to follow it exactly as it is! 
     Today: I'm going to eat my lunch that i brought today, and no other snacks. When I get home, I am going to put my sheets into the wash and then going for a 30 minute jog. Then I'm going to take a shower and have dinner. If my mom is making dinner, I will just have a little of what she makes. If not, then I will make a mixture of beans and veggies with salsa on it. I will not eat any snacks after this, even if I have "left over" calories. After dinner, I will clean and put away my clean laundry. Then I will paint my nails. while watching netflix. Then I will organize things for school. Finally I will call my boyfriend and go to sleep.
     Tomorrow: I'm going to go through my normal work day. After work, I will do some more laundry and then 30 minutes of pilates. Then I'll shower. After I will have dinner. If my mom doesn't cook then I'll have a salad with a veggie burger cut up on it. After dinner I will clean and then organize things for school again. Then I will watch netflix and NOT eat any snacks. Then I'll talk to my boyfriend and go to bed.
     If I follow this plan, I should definitely be able to get to 120lbs by Wednesday. Then I will make a similar plan for the next week. If I make a precise plan, then I'm more likely to follow it.

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 1

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In! From now on I'll just call it WWW.

Last Weight: 121.4

Todays Weight: 122.4

Difference: +1.0

Goal: 120.4 by 8/14

     ugh. I gained weight. It's because I've been binging like crazy. When I get upset, all I do is eat. I need to find something else to do besides eat. I was smoking before, but now that's I'm quitting I'm not sure what to do. Also, I'm going on 4+ day with no poop. It's gross, I know, but that has to add to some of the reason why I gained. Even with my binges my calories intake was still under 2000 a day and I've been exercising. Gaining weight just all around sucks.

     So what's my plan for this next week before weigh-in again? I'm going to be really strict with myself. No snacking after dinner even if I have calories left over. I'm going to try spreading my dinner out. Like eat one thing at a time and then wait to eat more. That way I can see if I'm really hungry or not. Exercise cannot be skipped. No excuses. I'm hoping to drop 2 lbs this week. I NEED to drop 2 lbs this week.

     I still need to stay positive though. If I'm not positive, then I'll get depressed and when I'm depressed I binge and when I binge, I gain weight. A lady at work gave me a gift card to Starbucks, and that's awesome because it's a 1 mile walk from my school. So there's an easy excuse to walk 2 miles! And black coffee with splenda has barely any calories. If I stay strict with myself, I can be 116lbs by the time I go back to school! I just need to stay motivated and stop being so damn depressed!

Skinny Girls

Just posting some pictures that I like because I didn't really know what to blog about. I won't be able to answer any comments on posts until Sunday because I'm away for the weekend. I'll try to post something on my phone though! Happy Friday!

I Miss the Gym

     There's a gym at my school and I love it. It's small and only students can go there. I would go all the time. In the summer, I can't afford a gym membership. And I hate running outside. It's so hot and humid. There's big hills and cars and it's not a good time.
     My favorite was going to gym in the winter. You step outside after a long workout and feel the cold hit you. It was always so nice. I would go there and do 20-30 minutes on the treadmill and then 15-25 minutes on the bike. Then I got home from school in April. I started jogging outside, but that didn't last long. I'm so tired after work. Now that it's deep into summer, it's so hot and humid that I can only jog for 30 seconds at a time.
     I can't wait to go back to school and work out! Only one more month left!

Burning Extra Calories

     I've never been one who likes to exercise. I like to go to the gym sometimes, but during the summer when I'm working I don't have time to go to the gym. So, I'm always looking for ways to burn more calories! Here are some examples of how:

• Fidgeting. Any movement burns calories!
• Chose to stand instead of sit if you have the chance
• I work a desk job so during work I try to get up and walk around to burn more.
• I have an app on my phone called Striiv and it counts my steps and how many calories I burn and uploads it right to MyFitnessPal.
• Do small exercises. Like do 5 squats every time you go to the bathroom. Or do crunches during commercial breaks while you're watching TV.
• Walk places or ride a bike instead of driving/taking public transit. 
• Don't take the elevator.
• Park at the end of parking lots.
• Clean! Take time to clean every day and you'll end up organized and skinny.

     Remember that any workout is better than no workout! Go for a jog, even if it's just for 10 minutes. Ten minutes is better than 0 minutes! Or even just go for a walk during your lunch break or after dinner. Every little step counts!

What to Do When You Binge

     Face it, no one's perfect, and we all make mistakes. One of those mistakes in binging. Now, I'm not talking about over eating by 100 calories or so. I'm talking about eating 1000+ calories in one sitting. I'm really bad at binging all the time, which caused me to get into the habit of purging. Purging is not the answer. One binge isn't going to make you gain 10 pounds. It's okay. This is what to do when you binge:

• Get away from the food. Go somewhere else so that you aren't tempted to eat more. You will just get more upset.
• Stay calm. Take deep breaths and try not to obsess over it. Don't go and count the calories up in everything you ate.
• Think about taking some medicine to make your stomach feel better. Your body isn't going to like all the junk you put into it.
• Get yourself involved in a different activity. What were you doing before you binged? If you were watching TV, then stop watching TV.
• After you've calmed down, try to think about WHY you binged. Was it because you were really emotional? Did your hunger overtake you? Try to do something else when this happens. If it's emotional, try talking to someone or writing it down. If it's hunger, try having a small snack and eat it away from other food.
• Always remember that tomorrow is a new day.

I hope this helped!

Parents Are a Pain

     Parents, and just family in general, can be a pain when it comes to losing weight and eating. Parents always push you to eat, even when you don't want. It can be really difficult to deal with. Hopefully this is my last year at home. I'm hoping to get an apartment for next August. I still have to deal with my parents for now though. I'm going to share ways that I used to deal with them being around when I was younger and the ways that I deal with my parents now.
Younger:

• Don't eat lunch at school. I would use my lunch money to buy cigarettes.
• Make a dirty dish and leave it in the sink.
• Take food to my room and throw it away
• Don't eat breakfast
• Sleep through dinner

Now:

• Leave before dinner and say I'm getting food with my friends / I'll eat later. The drive around or go shopping until you know dinner is over.
• Insist on making my own food 
• Not eating at work
• I'm a vegetarian so my parents can't make me eat the meat they cook 

     It's so much easier to skip dinner now that I have a car. I can just leave and say I'm going out with friends. I miss being a school, living in my dorm, because there I can eat [or not eat] whatever I want!


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Binge. Purge. Fast.

     So I ended up binging and purging last night. I'm so mad at myself. I've been trying to stop purging, but it's just so addictive. Nothing good ever comes out of it either. I only lost 0.8lb. Since I didn't lose what I wanted I decided that I'm going to fast today. I'm either going to fast until 6:30AM tomorrow or until 12PM tomorrow. It all depends on how I feel.
     My mistake yesterday was listening to my boyfriend. He was saying "You're not fat. It's okay to have a snack before bed." No, fuck you. I am fat and it turned into a huge binge. My stomach was so upset this morning. Today I'm going to go home and do my chores and then go out shopping. I'll try on clothes that are too small for me. That will make me want to be skinnier, but also I'll be away from food. I might buy a scale too. I need one for school and that's only a month away.
     So far I've been fasting 15 hours. Not a lot, but any amount is good. By the end I'm hoping to be at 32.5 to 38 hours. I might do another fast later this week, but I'm not sure yet. I'll keep you posted!

That Time

     Of course the week that my family is away and I can eat whatever I please, I'm scheduled to get my period. I'm so pissed. Whenever I get my period I make the mistake of weighing myself. My weight always spikes because of bloating and such. PLUS I get cravings for everything and it's just so unpleasant.
     This all depends on if I even get my period. Because of my frequent weight changes, I never know if I'm going to get my period or not. If I've been restricting a lot, then I probably won't get it. Some people might think that this is awesome. Sign that you're getting skinny plus not period, awesome, right? No. First I always freak out that I'm pregnant and I have to go out buy/steal some pregnancy tests. Even if they come out negative I still get paranoid about it. Also, I get really scared that I could become infertile, as this occurs very frequently in women with eating disorders. Then if I do get my period, I feel fat and eat a ton of cookies and get really emotional. It overall just sucks.

Keeping Distracted

     Since I'm going to be eating a lot less than normal this week, I need to find ways to distract myself. Distractions make it a lot easier for me to skip meals. I always make a list of things that I can do instead of eating. For example, this is what I'm going to do today.

• Go to therapy right after work.
• After therapy go to the food store to get things for tomorrow's soup
• Unload dishwasher
• Put away all clean clothes
• Pick up dirty clothes
• Take a shower
• Work on blog
• Watch netflix
• Go to bed early

     When I'm doing extreme restricting, I make sure to stay away from things that might trigger me to binge. I don't watch TV [only netflix in bed] because it's too close to the kitchen. I don't go out with friends because they always want to get food. Also, I don't exercise too much. Lots of exercise is dangerous when extreme restricting or fasting. Your body doesn't have enough fuel and you could faint or have a heart attack. I stick to walking.
     I also make sure to stay hydrated. I drink water all day long. It keeps me feeling full and alert. I also drink diet soda with caffeine in it. I make sure to get a lot of sleep so that I have enough energy to make it through the day. This means going to bed at 9:30PM and waking up at 6:30AM. Sometimes I will chew gum or smoke to keep my mouth busy.
     Other things that distract me are:

• Shopping or just walking around stores
• Painting my nails
• Playing video games

     It's important to have a plan to keep you from binging. Always remember that if you feel faint or just uwell, stop restricting/fasting and seek medical help. Listen to your body and be safe.