So, I know I haven't posted much about my personal life, because in all honesty, my personal life is pathetic. However, in
yesterday's post I mentioned that there was once a guy in my life who was pretty bad/ But I wrote that while I was on a bunch of Ativan so I'm just going to write out the whole story.
My parents have these friends that they used to hang out with and party with all the time untl they got old and has kids. my parents had me and they're friends had "John". John would always pick on me when I was little. Of course I had been taught that when boys are mean to you, that means they like you. So developed a huge crush on him. He was 2 1/2 years older than me, and I thought that was great. I thought he was going to be my prince charming.
After obsessing over him for years and years and years, he got into a really bad accident and also died. I was 14 and he was 17. I decided I needed to tell him how I felt before time was up. He recovered [mostly] from the accident and we started dating. I thought that this was my fairy tale. It seemed like all my dreams had come true.
As soon as we started dating he told me I couldn't talk to any guys unless it was for school. At the time, my two best friends were guys, but buh-bye to them. Because I was in love so that's all that matters.
Then he started telling me how to dress. I like to wear skinny jeans, but he demanded that I wore flare jeans and low cut tops. He wouldn't go out with me unless I had make-up on. But I listened to him because he was "the one."
I lost my virginity to him, two weeks before I turned 15. I told him I wanted to wait until I was 16, but he kept saying that he couldn't wait and he would leave me if I didn't have sex with him. it wasn't great sex. He just went til he was done and didn't care about what I wanted. But I thought that's how sex was supposed to be
Then he started talking to my new best friends, "Jen". She acted really slutty, but she was a virgin. The three of us would have out, but then I found out he was hanging out with her alone. She showed me messages between them on AIM where he would say "Hey sexy (;" I even found one of her shirts in his closest. He denied all the accusations I made, saying Jen was a liar, so I stayed with him and lost another friend.
The name calling came next. We would fight every night, usually over something that he wanted to control, like what he didn't want me listening to certain bands and reading certian books or watching certain TV shows. He called me a bitch, a slut, a whore, a cunt. He told me I was fat and I needed to lsoe weight. He told me that if I ever got over 120lbs he would break up with me. I cried every night.
John thought that pain was funny. He'd hit me, not hard enough to leave a bruise, and then laugh, because hitting your girlfriend is funny, right? One time he choked me in between his hands, just to see what would happen.
I had a pregnancy scare when I was 16 and he was 18. I missed my period, and later realized it was because I had stopped eating. John told me that he wouldn't let me get an abortion, like I had wanted. He said we would keep the baby and raise it ourselves. He took me out to a lame restraunt at the mall and porposed to me. When I said no, I didn't want to, I was too young, he started causing a scene. He yelled "You're a dumb fucking cunt! I hope the baby dies! You disgust me!"
I me made up and I apologized for upsetting him. I told him that I didn't think that we should have sex for a while. I said I was too young. I didn't want to get pregnant. He said no. He said we would continue to have sex.
{TW}A couple days from then, we were at my house, my parents were outside. We started making out on my couch. He tried to take my clothes off. I said no. I tried again, but didn't listen when I said no. He turned my away from him and grabbed my hands. He proceeded to rape me. I cried and told him to stop over and over again, but he didn't until he was satisfied. I ran to to bathroom after and cried. I was bleeding and it hurt. When I came home he said "are you happy?". I shook my head no and he laughed. I'll never forget was he said next. "
As your boyfriend, it's my RIGHT to have sex with you."
After this I had to go to the doctors because I was peeing blood anf the doctor said it was caused by "some unknown vaginal trauma." I told John and he tought this was great.
We stayed together for another week, because it was my dad's birthday and his family was coming over. After that I broke up with him, and that the the strongest thing that I've ever done. I still see him from time to time and it kills me. He's almost 22 now and he's having a baby with a girl my age. I hate him and I hate what he's done to me. I can't remember a lot of oour relationship, but I surpress memories. But then I get punched in the face with a flashback.
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