Intake 12/8

Dinner:

Green Giant Healthy Weight Steamer - 180

Total: 180

It's been a really shitty week and I just can't find the motivation to do anything. It's not even that I don't want to eat so I can be thin. I just see no reason to do anything.

Body Pics for November

Here are my progress pictures for November. Please don't hate </3

SGD Starting tomorrow

So, I'm starting the skinny girl diet tomorrow. I'm going to follow it until I weigh 108lbs, which is my low weight. That's only 5lbs to lose. Then I will go back to eating ~600 calories a day, trying to maintain through the holiday season.

The original rules of the SGD are that you don't count fruits and vegetables, however that's almost the only thing I eat. If I go over at all, I can exercise it off. Any day that I spend at the gym, I can eat more. I'm usuing these as more of a net calorie guide line

THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY DIET. I DO NOT RECOMMEND THAT ANYBODY ATTEMPTS THIS DIET. And option besides the SGD is the "Healthy" skinny girl diet, which you can google if you are interested. It allows higher calories and you don't count fruits and veggies.

11/24 Intake

Lunch:

Soup: 320

Grilled Cheese: 260

Bread: 140

Exercise:

Workout #1: 100

Walking: 168

Total: 720

Net: 453

Meh. Not too bad today. Had a lunch date with my boyfriend at Panera Bread. Obviously I could do better. I found a new 100 calorie workout that is a combination of jumping jacks, crunches, squats, and pushups. Enough to get my heart racing, but not enough to make me want to pass out. I think I'll start doing it every day. I've been getting used to only eating one meal a day.

Getting Things Back Together

So, I need to get my life back on track. Get back to school work, and also get back to my old eating habits. I'm making up a plan for the rest of November until I go back home on December 10th for my winter break.

Eating: Mostly fruits and vegetables. I'm running out of money so either 1 egg for breakfast or some fruit. Lunch will be salads, for the rest of this week I'll probably make sandwiches until I can buy more food. Dinners will be low calorie options like beans and corn, or frozen veggies. Snacks will be things like 100 calorie popcorn or fruit or a little bit of cheese.

Exercise: Try going back to the gym twice a week. Wednesdays from 2-230 and Fridays from 11-1130. Also, work on doing ab-ripper twice a week.

School: Study extra every day. Go to every class. I need to stay on top of things before finals. Study mostly chemistry and anatomy.

Sorry For Being MIA

I realize that I haven't posted in a while. Things have been shitty and weird and everything is a mess.

One of my friends admitted to being obsessively in love with me. I broke up with my boyfriend for a while. That same friends was also extremely depressed and suicidal. He was forced to leave school. My boyfriend and I are back together now. School's been stressful.

I've been eating like shit lately, but I haven't gained too much weight. I've been really depressed. I keep blaming myself for my friend's mental health problems, even though I know it's not my fault.

I'm trying to get shit back together. Get my grades back to where they were. Get my body back to where it was. Things were actually good for a while.

I'll probably post some progress pictures next week sometime.

Rough Lately

     Things have been pretty rough lately. I skipped all my classes yesterday because I was feeling very suicidal. I felt better today. My counselor at school wasn't in this week so that sucks a lot. I ate a lot the past two days. I'm a failure.

9/30 Intake

Breakfast:

Oatmeal - 100

Lunch:

Tortellini - 62

Edamame - 25

Salad - 60

Dinner:

Beans - 47

Corn - 66

Onions - 17

Salsa - 35

Baby Spinach - 6

Snacks:

Chips - 140

Salsa - 40

Luna Bar - 190

Total: 788

     I've been working on getting back on track, because my emotions have been all over the place and I've been eating way too many candy bars. I'm working out new meals to make that are filling and low calorie. Wish me luck guys!

Depression Talk

     So I was talking with one of my friends the other day, and he doesn't know about any of my problems. We ended up talking about depression and mental illnesses.
     He kept telling me that mental illnesses aren't real. That you can be sad about something and then just snap out of it because life is good and happy. He said people are depressed for attention.

1. You can't just snap out of depression. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain.
2. Life isn't always good and happy for people.
3. If depressed people just wanted attention, then why doesn't he know I'm depressed? Wouldn't I just be blabbing about it to everyone?

     Just a little rant. It makes me angry that people with mental disorders aren't treated equally. Like I would get some much shit if all my friends knew about my problems..

9/9 Intake

Breakfast:

Egg over Medium - 70

Lunch:

Organic Quinoa & Rice - 240

Peaches - 50

Baby Bel - 50

Dinner:

Whole Wheat Pasta - 140

Spaghetti Sauce - 60

Green Beans - 33

Morning Star "Chicken" Patty - 140

Snack:

Baby Carrots - 35

Total: 818

     Wow. I'm really happy with myself. I'm stuffed and I haven't even had my baby carrots yet! And everything is relatively healthy. And I can actually measure my food out all the time now without my parents annoying me. Yeah, I had a little bit over my carbs for the day, but I didn't go over on sugar. I only cook 1 cup of pasta and then add a bunch of stuff to it so that it looks like a lot more calories than it is and it tastes so good. I feel amazing. Today was just such a wonderful day.

Ramblings

     So, I've been doing pretty good with cutting out snacking lately and I'm very proud of that. I think it's because I have to buy my own groceries and I only buy healthy stuff to snack on.
     I'm working on creating different eating plans for myself. I need frequent snacks because I have class form 8AM until 7PM and that's a long day. Sometimes I don't have time to come back to my dorm and make lunch. I've made my daily calorie limit 886, which I've calculated should allow me to lose 1-1.5lbs a week. Plus, I can still eat. And once I lose more weight, I will just recalculate this number and adjust.
     School is going great. I'm so happy. My teachers aren't that great. Lots of thick accents and getting off track. But, this semester I'm actually really excited about what I'm learning, so when I do readings and homeworks it's not super boring.
     I'm taking Anatomy and Physiology [but it's mostly physiology], Electrical Circuit Analysis and Design [basically circuit 1 & 2], C++ Programming, Chemistry [again because I failed last year], and Technical Communications [public speaking and technical writing]. It's a challenge, but I'm feeling really positive about this year. Although the class time isn't that much fun, I do enjoy learning so much.
     I'm such a nerd.
     Well anyways, sorry for this super boring post. I'm off to do a "learn how to use a microscope" lab. For the 4th time in my life. -__-

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 4

Last Weight: 124.6

Todays Weight: 120

Difference: -4.6

Last Goal: 122.8 by 8/28

Goal Met? Yes

New Goal: 118.5 by 9/11

     I finally fucking lost weight! I'm so excited. I know, I skipped the last weight in, but I was so depressed it was not even something that I wanted to think of. This past week I have cut down on junk food so much. I haven't had a binge in a week I think. Being at school is great because I can go out and buy whatever food I want. Plus, I can go to the gym again! Yay! I went today and it was amazing! It's nice to be back. 

Back at School

     Hey guys! I'm back at school finally! I moved in on Monday and started class yesterday. Here's my first day outfit:


     I love my new room. I have a kitchen and a living/dining room and my own bathroom. It's really nice. Things have been flowing smoothly and now I have a lot more free time so that I can go back to blogging! Yay!

Feeling Better

     Thanks for your kind words on my last post. It really means a lot that people actually care about me.
     So, I'm not feeling 100% better, but I was definitely less depressed than yesterday. I cried myself to sleep last night and when I woke up my boyfriend called me right away to make sure I was okay. I spent the day packing for school. I'm so excited now! I move in on Monday. I promise I will start making better posts once I move in! Everything has been so hectic.

I Don't Deserve Food

     Wow. I know. I've been a shitty blogger lately. I've just been so depressed. I haven't been replying to comments and I haven't been keeping up with people's blogs. I'm terrible. I spent today laying in bed and thinking of different ways to kill myself. I also made pasta [wtf] and ate half a container of cookies. Ew. But that was it. Because I don't deserve food. I'm too much of a shitty person. I don't deserve it.
     I keep gaining weight. I'm not exercising. I can't quit smoking. I crashed my car. I'm not packed for school. I'm basically just a failure.

Crumpled Car

     First off, I'd like to apologize for not posting for a while! I've been really busy and stressed out. And one of those reasons is because I crashed my car! Awesome.
     I was supposed to have a 10:30 doctor's appointment on Friday, but my brother broke his foot so my mom had to be around to drive him to his later appointment. She switched our appointments so that mine was at 3:30. I was really pissed because I was supposed to be doing all this fun stuff with my boyfriend. So at 3:00 I got into my car to go to the doctors and started backing out of the driveway and bam. I smashed into my boyfriend giant jeep. I had completely forgot that he was parked behind me. My car crumpled. One of my taillights in completely gone. My bumper is all smashed. My trunk is bent up. It sucks.
     So I don't have a car for the remainder of the summer. Which sucks. I've just been sitting at home and eating and crying and gaining weight and hating myself.

Partying with an ED

     On the rare occasion that I get invited to a party, and the even more rare occasion that I decide to go, I always have anxiety about it. Especially when it comes to calories. Parties are filled with calories. Pizza. Chips. Alcohol. It's a mess. I used to party a lot more when I was younger. And I've learned, the hard way, what to do and what not to do when it comes to partying when you have an ED.
     The number one rule: NEVER DRINK ON AN EMPTY STOMACH. I have done this so many times. And I've seen people recommending others to do this. It seems like a great idea, right? Save your calories for the day so you can get drunk with your friends. No. You will get drunk way too fast. You'll be the super sloppy drunk that no one likes. You will probably throw up, and you will run out of stuff to throw up and it will hurt. You have a higher chance of blacking out and that never ends well. But, most importantly, you will do major damage to your body. The alcohol will not be absorbed into any food. Your body will digest it faster and there will be very high concentrations in you liver. After awhile this can lead to permanent liver damage. So, before you drink, please please please eat something.
      Never feel pressured to drink. Not drinking alcohol is the best way to avoid liquid calories. Just drink diet soda all night or even make up a mock-tail. If people are pressuring you to drink, then those people suck. You don't need to drink to have fun.
     BYOB. Bring your own beer / beverage. When guys throw parties, they usually don't buy diet soda. It's full calorie beer and full calorie soda. I always bring my own drink. Then I know how much alcohol is it. I know how many calories are in it. I know that no one put drugs in it. I just feel so much better about the night. It also control how much I'll drink. This is a great option if you're not drinking too. Bring a soda and if someone offers you a beer, say you already have a drink. They usually assume it's alcoholic.
     Dance! This is the best way to avoid feeling the guilt of "I ate a meal and I'm drinking." I love dancing at parties. It's fun. You meet new people. And it burns calories! No more guilt about have a drink! The best part it that if you embarrass yourself, just play it off like you're really drunk.
     Have fun and be Safe. Parties are meant for people to have fun at, so enjoy yourself. But, remember to be safe. Use the buddy system. Keep track of how much you're drinking. Drink water in between drinks. Have safe way home (taxi, designated driver, walking). If you feel unsafe, don't be afraid to leave with your friends or ask someone to get you, even if it's your mom!

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 3

Last Weight: 124.4

Todays Weight: 124.6

Difference: +0.2

Last Goal: 122.4 by 8/21

Goal Met? No

New Goal: 122.8 by 8/28

     Another gain! No surprise there, because I'm a failure. All I've been doing is binging and being depressed and having panic attacks. I can't stand it. I woke up this morning and couldn't fit into my jeans, so I had to wear my "fat pants" which are usually super loose. Now they're not. What's really bothering me is that I'm seeing some of the people I used to be friends with this weekend. I want to be skinny to show them up. But, that's not going to happen. I'm planning on only eating 1 meal today, but tomorrow my dad is taking me to Wendy's. I hate feeling so fat.

Need a New Therapist

     So, I had my last EMDR session on Monday. [post about that here] I decided that I don't think that EMDR is right for me. It didn't really help much. Possibly because I have a very short attention span. And a bad memory. I don't know. All I know is that I need to find someone new. I have so many options, and it's really overwhelming.
     My first option is to see a counselor at school. I am going to pursue this first. I only saw one of the school counselors for a couple weeks, but she was very helpful. The woman that I saw before isn't at the school anymore. I'm kind of upset about this. That means telling my life story to another fucking person. The other problem is I'm not sure if the school does long term treatment. I want to be able to keep the same person all school year. Also, they don't really specialize in what I need, so that's another issue.
     My second option is to find an outside therapist. This is what I'll do if my school denies long term treatment. I hate trying to find a therapist. My first therapist was amazing, and I compare everyone to her. I want a female doctor. I want them to have a doctorate in the field. I want them to have a background with trauma / sexual abuse. I need them to accept my insurance. It's so much to ask for. A lot of the therapists around the area don't have a doctorate and most of them are social workers who also do counseling. I need more than that. I hop my school can give me a referral to a good doctor.
     The next option is that I might go back on medication. This means finding a psychiatrist. I'm not sure if it's exacltly what I want yet, but it's something I might have to do. I have'nt hurt myseld since I've been off my meds [10 months soon!] but maybe it was just those types or that combination that wasn't working for me. I hated my previous psychiatrist, which is why I haven't gone back to see one. Again, I'm hoping that my school can give me a referral.
     My other option is acupuncture and/or herbal remedies. My EMDR therapist suggested it to me, since I didn't like medication before. I looked into it, and it seems like it might be something good for me. However, it usually isn't covered by insurance and I'm poor. Also, most of the accupunturists in Boston aren't open to fit my schedule. I have class until 6 or 7 at night. So it's would be extremely hard to fit it into my schedule ontop of doing CBT therapy.
     This has really been bothering me all day. I'm sure that my school will be able to help, because they can't just say no to helping me and leave me with no where to go. I just need to not stress out about it. I can't do anything until I'm back in the city anyways. Wish me luck!

If you are looking for a therapist try this site or this site. And good luck to you too!

Stopping the Cycle

     So, these past couple weeks I've been on a huge binge cycle where I restrict all day until about 9PM and then eat to the point of almost vomiting, but I can't purge because my parents are always around. I feel huge. I feel so disgusting. I don't want to be seen like this. I was watching Supersize vs. Super Skinny last night [can be found here] and it just made me realize that if I keep eating this much, I'm going to get so huge. I know what I need to do, but I always think it'll be okay to have just a little bit of chips or just one cookie. But that never happens. I always lose control. I can't let myself do that anymore. And it used to be fine to do it, because I could just purge. Now with my parents and brother always around, I can't do that and I have to deal with all this high fat & high calorie food sitting in my stomach. So things I need to starts doing:

• Eat slower. I eat too fast and then don't feel full until I've already eaten a whole box of cookies..
• Keep track of how many pounds I want to lose. I'm going to write the number on my hand or wrist every day. It's less noticeable than a weight.Today's number is 25.
• Choose better foods. If I want chips, then have a rice cake. If I want cookies, then have some prunes. No one wants to binge on rice cakes! But I can still get the crunchiness. 
• Spend less time at my house. I need to make plans for the week so I'm not sitting at my house with nothing to do but go to food.
• Write more. I'm an emotional eater and I need to get my emotions out of me instead of stuffing food into myself.

     That's all I got for now. I'm so terrified of becoming fat. I need to get this under control. And I'm sorry that I make so many lists. It's an obsession!

Camping is the New Hell

     So, I made this post about how I was going camping this past weekend. And I wasn't looking forward to it. And guess what, it was as bad, if not worse, than I expected. I realized a few things this weekend. I never want a dog. I'm claustrophobic. And I hate my boyfriend's step-dad.
     This guy is a homophobic misogynistic prick. The first thing that bothered me was that he kept making fun of me for being a vegetarian. Saying I didn't get enough protein and it was making my brain fail. I was mad. Then, a lesbian couple and their kids moved into the campsite next to us. All he did was call them "stupid fat dykes" and say "why do they allow people like that to have kids?" I was pissed. Then I wanted to roast marshmallows over the fire. "Okay go buy some sticks." I was like "We can just break a stick off of a tree." His reply? " That's fucking disgusting! There's bugs on those!" Dude, we're fucking camping. So we bought wooden sticks that were made in a factory in China. Then the lesbian couple was cooking food in tin foil over the fire. "That's so nasty. Why would you do that!?" Uhm, did you forget, WE'RE CAMPING. Made fun of me for eating a lot. Told me I couldn't do anything right because I was a woman. Kept asking me if I was high. Said my family was messed up. Complained about not being able to get the cable tv to work (yes while camping). Then when I fixed it, told me it couldn't have been me who fixed it because I'm a woman. All they had planned for us to do was sit around watching tv.
     I almost stabbed someone.
     I'm never going fucking camping with them again. And I gained weight probably. Because I was so pissed so all I did was eat. I should've stayed home. It was so bad.

Vegetarian Life

     So, when I was 16 I decided that I was going to become a vegetarian. I ad recently gained up to my highest weight, and I wanted to get if OFF. I also didn't really like the taste of meat and I love animals. I convinced my mom to let me do it. I printed out lots of graphs and food pyramids. She agreed. I have been living the veggie life ever since! I'm actually a pescatarian, for the sake of sushi, because that's usually the only fish I ever eat. I also don't drink milk, but that's just because it tastes disgusting. I also eat eggs, which people think is weird.. but I love them so I don't care.
     Becoming a vegetarian is one of the best things I ever did. I lost a ton of weight really fast. My body just felt better overall. And I felt really good that I was saving a bunch of cute little cows.
 

     Making the transition into a vegetarian was not that hard for me. However, it can be hard for others. First, I cut out red meat. It was my least favorite thing to eat. That was pretty easy. I would just fill up on extra veggies if my mom made steak that night. Then I cut out processed meats, such as chicken patties. Those were my all time favorite. I substituted them for a vegetarian version. Tyson chicken patties are 200 calories with 13 grams of fat of 9 grams of protein. The morning star Chik patties have 170 calories and only 5 grams of fat and 10 grams of protein. And they taste 10 times better! Even my carnivore brother thinks so. Then I finally cut out all of meats, which was easy because of my moms cooking. Ew. 

     A lot of people ask my if I miss anything that I used to eat. My boyfriend can't understand how I live without bacon. There's really only one thing that I miss. McDonald's chicken nuggets.

     Whenever I tell someone I'm a vegetarian, they freak out a little about how to feed me. It's not that hard. Just take the meat out. Making spaghetti and meatballs? I'll just have spaghetti. Going out for burritos? Bean burritos are my favorite. My mom just cooks extra sides for me to eat. When I go out to eat, I always look at the menu before-hand. Most restaurants have vegetarian options. Burger King even has veggie burgers now!

     The biggest thing to remember, it that you can eat whatever the fuck you want. People judge me all the time for being a vegetarian, but I don't care because I eat what I like, and I don't like meat, so I don't eat it! Simple as that!

Camping

     So, this weekend I'm going camping. Ew. Last time I went camping was in a tent. And it rained. And I got soaked. This time however, I'm going in an RV. With 4 other people. And 2 dogs. You can probably tell that I'm not very excited. This is why.
Cons of Camping:

• No privacy!
• Have to eat what food is there.
• Can't exercise when I want.
• Hard to hide my habits.
• High caloric foods like s'mores

     I'm trying to stay positive though, because I am going with my boyfriend and I want him to be happy. So these are some of the positive aspects:
Pros of Camping:

• Hiking is good exercise.
• Limited food means I can't binge.
• Easier to make excuses because it's not my own family.
• I can pack my own low-cal food.
• I get to spend the weekend with my lovely boyfriend.
• There's a pool at the campsite and swimming burns calories.

     I really want this weekend to be a good one. I want to enjoy my last couple weekends of the summer. I'm leaving tonight and coming back Sunday night. I'll be sure to let you all know how it went!

Goodbye Dinner

     So one of my friends is starting college soon and she's moving in Sunday. I'm going away this weekend, so I won't be around to say good-bye. She wanted to go out to dinner tonight so that I could see her before she left. We decided to get sushi. I was okay with this because I love sushi and I can justify the calories. I planned what I was going to eat and I added the calories up and I was happy.
     Then she called me right before I got home. "I can't afford sushi. We're going to Red Robin instead." What. The. Fuck. Now, Red Robin is delicious. But oh so fatty and gross and filling. I didn't have any time to calculate and figure out what to eat. I ended up getting a veggie burger with cheese, which is what I usually get. Oh my god. I still feel sick. All that fat. I want to throw up.
     I hate when my friends pick the restaurant. I can't tell them how much it bothers me, because I don't want them to know. And I couldn't ask her to pick a different place, because it was her dinner. I did run 2 miles today though, and I walked 14,000 steps at work. I still feel disgusting.

When I'm Skinny

When I'm skinny I will...

• wear thigh-high stockings
• wear heels
• post on lookbook
• be cute
• wear dresses
• have more friends
• be happier
• be more outgoing

I know that none of this is probably true. I will probably just lay in bed and cry all the time and still think I'm ugly. I girl can dream though, right?

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 2

Last Weight: 122.4

Todays Weight: 124.4

Difference: +2.0

Last Goal: 120.4 by 8/14

Goal Met? No

New Goal: 122.4 by 8/21

     I'm so pissed at myself. I haven't weighed this much in over 2 years. I am disgusted by this number. I keep blaming the gain on quitting smoking and being stressed out. But there is no one to blame but myself. I lost control. And I need to get that control back.

      So, what's the plan? Obviously what I'm doing isn't working, so new plan. I lowered my calorie allowance to 500 net calories a day. I have to jog 2 times a week for 30 minutes while I'm still working. When I go back to school, it has to be 3 times a week. I must walk 10,000 steps a day at least on work days. Food that I can have whenever will be fruits and vegetables. Food that is limited is beans, rice cakes, low fat dairy, avocado, quinoa. Food that is off limits except when I have no choice: bread, rice, junk food. yes this means putting my bagel thins in the freezer until I can control myself.

     I need to regain control of my diet, my weight, and my life. My goal is to be 117 lbs by the time school starts. Wish me luck!

Water

     I hate when people say "I don't drink water because it makes me fat." No. No. No. Water does not make you fat. Water is the one thing that has zero calories! Water is vital for your body. You can't survive for than 3 day without any water. It is recommended that the average adult drink 8 glasses of water a day. Drinking water is especially important for weight loss or if you just want to be healthy! And you don't gain weight from it. Yes, the actual water will weigh something in your stomach, but you just pee it out! So how can you drink more?

• Bring a water bottle every where. I have one in my car, at my desk at work, and next to my bed. It's always there to grab!
• Replace your drinks. Replace your usual juice with breakfast or soda with lunch for some water.
• Order water at restaurants. It's usually free so you can cut down the cost of your meal. [I'm poor]
• Flavor your water. If you don't like the taste of water, then get some crystal light or mio and add some flavor. You won't be able to stop drinking it!

8/12 Intake and Shoes!!

Breakfast:

Bagel Thin - 55

Spray Butter - 0

Lunch:

Peach Cup - 30

Cottage Cheese - 45

Cucumber - 8

Baby Carrots - 35

Prunes - 40

Dinner:

Olive Oil - 40

 Onions - 17

Bell Pepper - 9

Mushrooms - 8

Black Beans - 47

Corn - 66

Salsa - 25

Avocado - 96

Tortilla Chips - 140

Snacks:

Tortilla Chips - 140

Bean Dip - 30

Salsa - 13

Total: 844

Exercise: 291

Net: 553

     Okay, so yesterday wasn't the greatest day ever, but it wasn't the worst either. I almost didn't go for a run yesterday, but I did and it made me feel so much better! Also, yesterday I got my new shoes that I ordered from eBay and they're absolutely amazing. I'm feeling good about today. I'm hoping to make it better than yesterday!

To Do Before Weigh-In

     Since I'm really scared about me weigh-in in two days, I've devised a plan that has to work to get me to the weight I want to be. I have to follow it exactly as it is! 
     Today: I'm going to eat my lunch that i brought today, and no other snacks. When I get home, I am going to put my sheets into the wash and then going for a 30 minute jog. Then I'm going to take a shower and have dinner. If my mom is making dinner, I will just have a little of what she makes. If not, then I will make a mixture of beans and veggies with salsa on it. I will not eat any snacks after this, even if I have "left over" calories. After dinner, I will clean and put away my clean laundry. Then I will paint my nails. while watching netflix. Then I will organize things for school. Finally I will call my boyfriend and go to sleep.
     Tomorrow: I'm going to go through my normal work day. After work, I will do some more laundry and then 30 minutes of pilates. Then I'll shower. After I will have dinner. If my mom doesn't cook then I'll have a salad with a veggie burger cut up on it. After dinner I will clean and then organize things for school again. Then I will watch netflix and NOT eat any snacks. Then I'll talk to my boyfriend and go to bed.
     If I follow this plan, I should definitely be able to get to 120lbs by Wednesday. Then I will make a similar plan for the next week. If I make a precise plan, then I'm more likely to follow it.

Weekend Adventures

      I haven't posted in a few days because I've been really busy this weekend mixed with also being pretty depressed lately. So here's is just a little update.
     Friday: Friday I went shopping and got some new clothes for school. I was feel pretty awesome. Then when I got home my brother and I got into a fight and I decided to eat a ton of junk food and then go to sleep instead of dealing with it.
     Saturday: Saturday I went to the beach and on my Uncle's boat. I was feeling good and having some drinks and then we ordered pizza. I didn't feel bad about it because I was a little tipsy. Then I got really bloated after eating and my uncle called me fat. After the beach, I told my friend I was going to take a shower and then we could hang out later. Come 10 PM, no one had texted me to hangout so I was going to go to bed. I went on twitter to see all my friends tweeting about hanging out together and they hadn't invited me. Cue eating an entire bag of cheesy popcorn.
     Sunday: Sunday I went into the city to visit one of my friends who is graduating soon. I went with my college roommate, and of course her family owns a bakery in the North End. We ate some sweets but then walked around a lot. Then I had a spinach and cheese calzone. Not diet drinks. Then we went to our school and our friend made pasta with sauce and buttery bread. And my roommate brought cannolis for dessert.
     I have to weigh in on Wednesday and I'm scared to fuck. I need to stop using food to cope with my depression. It's so bad. :/

Zero Calorie Noodles - The Truth

     Okay almost anyone in the ED community, or even just dieters, have heard of these amazing noodles. They've been called Zero Noodles, Miracle Noodles, amount other names. Imagine, noodles with no calories! Sounds great, right? But of course there's a catch.
     Theses noodles are actually shirataki noodles. They're made from a type of Japanese yam. The ones I buy also contain tofu, so they're not zero calories. There's 15 calories per serving with 2 servings per bag. One serving a plenty for one person. They come in a bag filled with liquid. I found them next to the tofu at my local super market. The noodles are very squishy and remind me of microwave udon noodles.
     I have nothing against these noodles, but there are things you should know before purchasing them. They smell. Like really bad. This means you have to rinse them, a lot. And try microwaving them in some water. They don't taste how they smell, so don't worry. Also, these noodles aren't that great to replace pasta. They taste much better in Asian food, especially in a stir fry. They have a weird texture, so if you have a texture problem, they might not be good for you. Also, they are a bit pricey, but I have found coupons before!
     Today I made a delicious dinner that under 200 calories for the whole thing. It was so filling that I didn't even eat it all though. First I prepared the noodles. I drained them and then heated them in a non-stick skillet to dry them out a bit. I took them out and then added cut up veggies with a little bit of olive oil. I cooked them and then added an instant stir fry sauce. I mixed that up and then added the noodles. It was so delicious!
    

8/7 Intake

Breakfast:

Bagel Thin - 55

Spray Butter - 0

Lunch:

Peaches - 30

Cottage Cheese - 45

Cucumber - 8

Baby Carrots - 35

Prunes - 40

Dinner:

Udon Noodles - 250

Snacks:

Pecan Honey Crunch - 75

Mushrooms - 8

Jalapeno Cheddar Dip - 60

Bell Pepper - 23

Baby Carrots - 21

Total: 650

Exercise: 76

Net: 574

     I'm really happy with how today went. I'm glad that I'm having breakfast again. It really works for me. Dinner was because I was super hungry and my mom wasn't home from the grocery store yet. It's just a simple stove top noodle pack, but it's good. I did say earlier that I wasn't going to have snacks at work, but people just expect me to eat it because I'm thin. So I had the Pecan honey thing, but it was just a little. After dinner I waited about 30 mins and then made a snack. Fresh veggies are amazing. You can eat so much for barely any calories. I cut up a bunch of veggies and dipped them in this dip we have. I'm going to see if we can get like "diet" dip to use. If I stay on this track, then I can lose weight really easily!

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In - 1

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-In! From now on I'll just call it WWW.

Last Weight: 121.4

Todays Weight: 122.4

Difference: +1.0

Goal: 120.4 by 8/14

     ugh. I gained weight. It's because I've been binging like crazy. When I get upset, all I do is eat. I need to find something else to do besides eat. I was smoking before, but now that's I'm quitting I'm not sure what to do. Also, I'm going on 4+ day with no poop. It's gross, I know, but that has to add to some of the reason why I gained. Even with my binges my calories intake was still under 2000 a day and I've been exercising. Gaining weight just all around sucks.

     So what's my plan for this next week before weigh-in again? I'm going to be really strict with myself. No snacking after dinner even if I have calories left over. I'm going to try spreading my dinner out. Like eat one thing at a time and then wait to eat more. That way I can see if I'm really hungry or not. Exercise cannot be skipped. No excuses. I'm hoping to drop 2 lbs this week. I NEED to drop 2 lbs this week.

     I still need to stay positive though. If I'm not positive, then I'll get depressed and when I'm depressed I binge and when I binge, I gain weight. A lady at work gave me a gift card to Starbucks, and that's awesome because it's a 1 mile walk from my school. So there's an easy excuse to walk 2 miles! And black coffee with splenda has barely any calories. If I stay strict with myself, I can be 116lbs by the time I go back to school! I just need to stay motivated and stop being so damn depressed!

8/6 Intake

Lunch:

Green beans - 17

Cottage Cheese - 45

Peaches - 30

Black beans - 35

Corn - 33

Dinner:

Corn Chips - 70

Black beans - 47

Corn - 66

Onions - 17

Over Easy Egg - 70

Salsa - 25

Olive Oil - 20

Snacks:

Jelly Donut Thing - 150

Prunes - 40

Total: 665

Exercise: 267

Net: 398

     I'm really proud with today. I've been binging like crazy lately and it's nice to have a good day. I went for a run today, because my therapist told me that I really need to be working out instead of spending all day on my butt. Today I went food shopping with my mom and I always buy too much. I got cucumber, carrots, avocado, rice cakes, prunes, zero noodles. I go so overboard. All I wanted were these Asian noodle microwave meals and the store didn't even have them. I was able to get microwave Udon noodles that don't have meat product in it! That'll be a treat for one night. 

     Tomorrow is my weekly weight in day, and I'm scared. My stomach is HUGE. I haven't made a bowel movement in 3 days, going on to 4 days. I know that this is going to fuck up my weigh in. Ugh. Why does my body hate me? Oh yeah. Because I can't decide if I'm going to starve myself or stuff 10,000 calories down my throat. :/

Favorite Low Calorie Foods

     I always have to stock up on low-calorie foods that I can eat without feeling guilty. This is a list of my favorites, by category. Feel free to comment with low-cal foods that you like!
Vegetables: carrot sticks, bell pepper, mushrooms, green beans, cucumbers, baby spinach, onion, tomato, Green Giant steam bags, broccoli. You can make a big salad or you can cook up a BUNCH of veggies for a low-cal., yet filling, meal.
Fruit: Peach cups, applesauce, watermelon, apples, oranges, strawberries, raspberries. I like to have fruit as a snack because it's sweet. If you buy packaged fruit (like in a can) make sure it's in water (not syrup) with no sugar added.
Grain: Sandwich thins, Bagel thins, low-fat crackers, quinoa. The sandwich thins are 100 calories for one. That's like 2 pieces of bread for 100 calories. The bagel thins are 110 calories each. You can have half a bagel for 55 calories. Yum.
Dairy: low-fat or fat-free cottage cheese, low-fat or fat-free mozzarella, light Silk soy milk. I always get cheese cravings really bad, and fat-free cottage cheese is 40 calories for 1/4 cup. It's good plain or with fruit mixed in. The light soy milk I get is 50 calories for 1 cup.
Protein: Gardein Crispy Tenders, tofu, black beans. I'm a vegetarian, and I LOVE the gardein tenders. Trader Joe's has their own brand too. They're 50 calories each and go awesome on top of salad. Tofu and black beans make good additions to food and the protein keeps you full.
Drinks: diet coke, tea, black coffee, water, diet/light juice. Most "light juices have 50 calories or under per cup.

Don't Be Afraid to Ask for Help

     If you have symptoms of a mental illness and you want help, then you shouldn't be afraid to ask for it. It can be very difficult to find the courage to seek help. This is mainly because people view mental illness as something for "crazy" people. But it's not. There are many people who suffer from mental illness that aren't "crazy." You shouldn't be afraid to get help. If you had the flu, you would go see a doctor. If you had a broken arm, you would go see a doctor. It should be no difference for mental illness.

     I know that seeking help can seem difficult, but it will be worth it in the long run. It took me years to ask my mom if I could see a therapist, but I did. And it has helped me so much!

• You need to tell someone. The first step to getting help is to tell someone that you want help. I chose to tell my mom. You could tell your parents, your significant other, your school counselor. But tell someone who will be there to help your journey.
• Have a back-up. If you're afraid that your parents, or whomever, won't think that you need help, then plan a second person to tell. Go to your school's counselor and tell them. They could set you up with a school psychologist or set up a meeting with your parents to talk to them about what is best for you.
• Visit your general practitioner. If you don't know where to start, visit your primary care doctor. They can explain what you're options are. My GP recommended a psychologist to me and helped me set everything up.
• Find a doctor. Finding a therapist can be difficult. My first therapist was recommended by my doctor. My second was appointed to me through the school. My third and current therapist I found online. One thing you can do is call your insurance and ask for mental health providers who take your insurance.
• Choose your plan. There are many types of therapy that you can go through. Psychotherapy. CBT. EDMR. Hypnosis. Read about what is offered and what will work most with your problems. Then create a plan with your doctor to decide what problems you're going to tackle and set goals of where you want to be in the future.
• Don't give up if it doesn't work. Finding a good therapist can be hard. If you don't gel with your doctor, then the therapy won't work. You can try to make things work out, but if you really don't like your doctor, then don't be afraid to switch. There's no point in paying to see someone who can't help you. You can find something that works for you!

How to Begin Running

     Exercise is super important. It's good for your body, helps you lose weight, and makes you feel better about yourself. A simple way to workout your whole body is by running. Most people think that running is too hard for them, but it can be easy in no time with the right preparation. Here's a list of things you can do to help yourself get into running!

• Plan where you're going to run. You can run on a treadmill or you can run outdoors. Determine which is the best choice for you.
• Get the right clothes. Sneakers are a must have. Try to get nice running sneakers. I got mine on sale! Also, wear a sports bra, a comfy shirt, and shorts or sweatpants. Make sure they won't fall off!
• Start small. You won't be able to run a marathon your first day. If you're really not in shape, try starting by walking for 20-30 minutes a couple days a week and then add in bits on jogging.
• Get an app. Apps are great for keeping track of your runs. I like the Nike one and Run keeper. I also like C25K, which helps your run a 5K in 8 weeks or something. I like the app because you tells you when to run and when to walk while you're do the exercise.
• Push yourself, but not too much. Try to run further or faster every time. However, don't push yourself too hard. You don't want to hurt yourself. Do what feels right. Listen to your body.
• Make sure your are medically cleared. If you have any medical condition make sure with your doctor that your body can handle running. I have asthma and always have to take my inhaler first!
• Stay hydrated. Bring a bottle of water on your runs and take sips every now and then so you can stay hydrated. Don't drink the whole bottle at once while running because you will feel sick.
• Always stretch. Stretch after every run. Even if it's short. Even if you're really tired. You will be in a lot more pain if you don't stretch.
• Have fun! Running, for the most part, should be enjoyable. If after a couple runs, you find no enjoyment, then maybe running isn't for you!

3 Years to the Day

     So, I don't know if you remember, but about a week and a half ago my ex came over. If you don't remember, read this and this. Ever since that happened, I've been feeling like shit. I've been smoking a lot again. I've been eating all the time. Non-stop crying. Well, this weekend I was with my boyfriend and I was thinking about my life and trying to figure out what was bothering me. Then it just hit me.
     My ex had come over on July 24th. I looked in my calander on my phone and went all the way back to 2010. On July 24th. And hey, guess what? That was the day that stupid fucker raped me.
     I'm so pissed. I can't believe he would fucking do that. Come to my house after 3 fucking years. I've been trying to hard to just forget that it all happened and now I can't. I'm repressing my emotions again. I'm disasociating all the time. I want to kill him.
     I'm so incredibly frustrated and I just really don't know what to do. I can't talk to anyone about it because no one understands and I'm sick of crying to my boyfriend. I'm sorry I've been such a mess lately. I hope that I'll be okay soon. <3

Skinny Girls

Just posting some pictures that I like because I didn't really know what to blog about. I won't be able to answer any comments on posts until Sunday because I'm away for the weekend. I'll try to post something on my phone though! Happy Friday!

Something's Wrong

     I don't even want to talk about what I ate today. I had a nice healthy dinner planned. Mushrooms, onions, and an egg. Then I added some beans and corn. I ate it and I thought I would be done. But then I couldn't even control myself from eating one of everything in our junk cabinet. This happened at 6:30 pm. It's 11pm and I still feel like I'm going to vomit. I didn't want to purge, so I went out with my friend for a while. I hate myself and I have no control. 

     I think I'm repressing my feelings. I've had a huge problem with this my whole life. It's led to various eating problems and also my self harm problem. I hide my feelings so much that I don't even know what's bothering me. But something is. I've so disconnected and I can't control my eating and my bowels are fucked over but I can't do laxatives because I'm driving to my boyfriends tomorrow. 

     I can't put a finger to what's bothering me. And I'm thinking so hard, but I just don't know what. I hate my therapist. I decided that. I lied and told her I couldn't see her the last week in August. So now we only have 2 more appointments. I want to go back and see a counselor at school. They're much more helpful. They want me to get a full psych evaluation at a near by hospital. Ill probably do that some Friday after class. 

     I hate my brother. He's a loser. He's going no where in life. I'm such a perfectionist that its embarrassing to say that I'm related to him. He's a jerk. He's 17 and still thinks that he can be famous. Grow up and decide what you really want to do with your life. 

     I'm hoping that this weekend with my boyfriend will make me feel a little better. Even writing this out I feel better, so thanks for listening. The only time I feel happy is when I'm with him and right after I go jogging. Gunna try to go for a jog in the morning before the long drive. Ill answer any comments from today in the morning. Hope all is well. Stay strong. Stay beautiful. Stay safe. <3

August is Mine

     A new month means new beginnings. This summer has been strange. I feel that all I do is work. Also, I've been feeling very disconnected these past couple months. My therapist blames PTSD. But, I think things are looking up this month. I've been feeling a lot more positive lately. [My therapist thinks I'm having a manic episode but screw that] I have big things planned for August. I'm excited!
New Exercise Routine: Go for a jog twice a week for 30 mins. Aim to run further every time. Finish the 30 day squat challenge. Do pilates twice a week for 30 mins. Walk as much as possible.
New Diet Plan: Starting at 600 net calories a day for one week and then going down 50 calories every week. If I eat any over, I must exercise it off. I will not deprive myself. I will measure out all food. I will only weigh in once a week on Wednesdays.
New Attitude: I will not care what people think about me. I will wear what I want and do what I want with my life.
     I really hope that this plan works out! Does anyone else have any monthly goals?

7/31 Intake

Lunch:

Mushrooms - 8

Cucumber - 8

Baby Carrots - 35

Apple Sauce - 50

Cottage Cheese - 45

Dinner:

Minestrone Soup - 120

Snacks:

Lays Potato Chips - 160

Buffalo Dip - 50

Ice Cream Cake - 165

Total: 640

Exercise: 277

Net: 364

     First off, I know my exercise usually says I burn like 600 calories a day, but that's because I had my pedometer app hooked up to MyFitnessPal and I didn't like that. It made me feel like I could eat so much more. I changed it so that it doesn't automatically put in calories burned. I had the cake today because it was my dad's birthday! I was also lucky because mum burnt dinner so I was able to make my own stuff. Light soup in the microwave. Very filling.

     I went for a run today! I did 2.4 miles. I haven't run this far since April. I'm really proud of myself. I burned over 200 calories from it too. It took me thirty minutes, but I still did it. I'm hoping to go for another jog on Friday. I'm still keeping up with the 30 day squat challenge and damn my legs are sore. But you know what they say, no pain no gain!

I Miss the Gym

     There's a gym at my school and I love it. It's small and only students can go there. I would go all the time. In the summer, I can't afford a gym membership. And I hate running outside. It's so hot and humid. There's big hills and cars and it's not a good time.
     My favorite was going to gym in the winter. You step outside after a long workout and feel the cold hit you. It was always so nice. I would go there and do 20-30 minutes on the treadmill and then 15-25 minutes on the bike. Then I got home from school in April. I started jogging outside, but that didn't last long. I'm so tired after work. Now that it's deep into summer, it's so hot and humid that I can only jog for 30 seconds at a time.
     I can't wait to go back to school and work out! Only one more month left!

7/30 Intake

Breakfast:

Diet Coke - 0

Lunch:

Cottage Cheese - 40

Cucumber - 8

Baby Spinach - 9

Baby Carrots - 35

Apple Sauce - 50

Dinner:

Quinoa - 170

Pasta Sauce - 80

Mushrooms - 20

Onions - 17

Olive Oil - 20

Snacks:

Peanut Butter Nips - 30

Cucumber - 8

Chex Mix - 130

Nectarine - 62

Total: 679

Exercise: 683

Net: -4

     I cooked dinner for the whole family tonight. A delicious mixture of quinoa, tomato sauce, mushrooms and onions. For those who don't know, quinoa is a grain-like substance that is super delicious. It's actually a seed that's found in South America. It has every amino acid that the body needs to survive. This is great for vegetarian because a few amino acids are hard to find outside of animals products. Quinoa plain tastes like weird oatmeal, but if you mix it with any kind of sauce (tomato sauce and salsa are my favs) then it tastes amazing. It's not toooooo high in calories. And every calorie is worth it! Try it sometime!

     I ate a lot. Again. As always. But I'm having another good day. I've been trying to think positively about things. And I ordered new shoes on eBay. They're shipping from China, so it'll take a month. But I'll post a picture when I get them!!

Little Ways to Save Money

     I know a lot of people who read this blog are in a similar situation as me. A teenager with no job or a shitty job whose parents won't buy anything. I'm in college and tuition it $30k+ a year. Plus books. Plus groceries. Plus anything else I want to spend my money on. My parents are helping out with college, but after this year I have $0 left in my college fund. Awesome. I'm also trying to get an apartment, where rent is over $1000 a month. It sucks. This has caused me to become pretty frugal. So here are just some ways that I like to save money.

• Keep all of your change. Every penny. Put it in a jar or wherever. I've been doing this for years and it has saved me over $300. You can bring the coins to a machine, but that usually costs money. I prefer to roll my coins and deposit them in the bank.
• Thrift shop. It may take some digging, so maybe set aside a rainy day for this. But thrift shops are great places to find clothes. Just make sure they aren't ripped or have major stains. I like Good Will.
• Swap clothes. If your friends don't want stuff, then see if it fits you and ask them if you can have it. One of my friends bought a bunch of bathing suits, but they didn't fit her, so she let me have a couple.
• Don't go out to eat all the time. I know it's so easy to just stop at McDonald's and get food, but all of those $5 meals add up to a lot. Buy your food at the grocery store instead.
• Look for coupons. I'm a vegetarian and those fake meats can get pretty expensive. Luckily, there's a bunch of coupons out there. You can also get coupons for store for signing up for emails on their website.
• Victoria's Secret free panties coupons. It's the only underwear I get. You don't need to even buy anything else.
• Make money online. I used to use Swagbucks everyday. You take surveys and watch videos and get points which you can use towards giftcards or even deposit it into your paypal. I found out about it on a Stay At Home Mom blog, but I like it to kill time at work.
• Buy things in bulk. Stuff that you use all the time, like toilet paper, you can buy in bulk and save a lot. You're not going to NOT need toilet paper.
• Buy the store brand instead of the name brand. They're usually the same exact thing, but a lot cheaper. This is great for things like Advil.
• Return your cans and bottles! In MA you get 5 cents per can. My friend takes her dad's beer cans and returns them and she gets to keep the money!
• Walk, if you can. In the city its $2.50 to take the subway, no matter how many stops. So I walk almost everywhere. You can also ride a bike places. [And you get to burn calories!]

     That's my list for now. Feel free to comment with any additions that you have!

7/29 daily intake

Breakfast:

Diet coke - 0

Lunch:

Apple Sauce - 50

Baby Carrots - 35

Baby Spinach - 9

Cucumber - 8

Cottage Cheese - 40

Dinner:

Tortilla - 150

Mushrooms - 40

Onions - 17

Baby Spinach - 6

Salsa - 5

Olive Oil - 20

Snacks:

Tootsie Rolls - 47

Popsicle - 45

Low Fat Oatmeal Granola Bar - 120

Total: 592

Exercise: 555

Net: 37

     I ate a lot today, but I don't feel too bad because I'm full and won't want to binge later. I probably shouldn't have had the granola bar before therapy, but I was so hungry! I'm thinking of switching to an all plant diet when I go back to school in a month. Carbs are killing me. Plus, I can basically eat as much vegetables as I want. I'm feeling good today, let's hope that it lasts. My boyfriend is in a bad mood and I don't want it to wear off on me.

Announcement

     So I'm going to be changing some stuff here soon! I've been working on a new template for the blog. It's almost finished. I'm going to put it up after I get 1000 total page views, so that should be soon!
     You might have also noticed that there is an ad on my blog now. I'm a poor college student and until I can find a different source of income, the ad is going to be up. That doesn't mean I don't care about every single person who reads this blog! I still love all of you. <3

Burning Extra Calories

     I've never been one who likes to exercise. I like to go to the gym sometimes, but during the summer when I'm working I don't have time to go to the gym. So, I'm always looking for ways to burn more calories! Here are some examples of how:

• Fidgeting. Any movement burns calories!
• Chose to stand instead of sit if you have the chance
• I work a desk job so during work I try to get up and walk around to burn more.
• I have an app on my phone called Striiv and it counts my steps and how many calories I burn and uploads it right to MyFitnessPal.
• Do small exercises. Like do 5 squats every time you go to the bathroom. Or do crunches during commercial breaks while you're watching TV.
• Walk places or ride a bike instead of driving/taking public transit. 
• Don't take the elevator.
• Park at the end of parking lots.
• Clean! Take time to clean every day and you'll end up organized and skinny.

     Remember that any workout is better than no workout! Go for a jog, even if it's just for 10 minutes. Ten minutes is better than 0 minutes! Or even just go for a walk during your lunch break or after dinner. Every little step counts!

Wifi-less and a Lunch Date

     My mom decided that today was going to be a wifi-less day, so I'm posting this from my phone. She thinks we spend too much time on the Internet. And this is so true. 

     I weighed myself today, now that my period is almost over. 118.2! I'm really happy about this. I've been emotionally eating all week and I thought that I gained 100 pounds from it. But I didn't!

     So I woke up today, and my mom was making French toast. I managed to get out of eating it by pretending I was still asleep. But then after that my friend texted me asking me to go out to lunch with her. She has a bunch of my stuff so I need to get it from her so I agreed to go. She kept suggesting all these super fattening places that I really didn't want to go. I suggested we go to Applebee's because they have a weight watchers section of their menu. She said sure but were not going until later, which gives me an excuse to skip dinner! 

     Last nights concert was really fun by the way. I had a blast even though my family was kind of bothering me. 

Steve Miller and the Beach

     I'm a huge beach junkie and I haven't been to the ocean all summer. Since I've been extremely depressed lately, my mom decided we'd go visit my aunt's beach house. It's not the ocean, but it's still nice. I got a sunburn. Mom didn't pack me any food, so all I ate was a cereal bar (90). It was a fun time and when you're out in the sun you don't really think about food that much. Mom ordered pizza for early dinner and I had a couple slices, but I don't feel too guilty about it because it's all I ate today.
     In a couple minutes I'll be leaving to go see Steve Miller Band tonight! I'm super excited. I hope that it's a lot of fun, even though I'm going with my family. Plus, dancing and jumping around at concerts burns a ton of calories. I'll post more tomorrow when I have free time. Hope you all are doing well! <3

What to Do When You Binge

     Face it, no one's perfect, and we all make mistakes. One of those mistakes in binging. Now, I'm not talking about over eating by 100 calories or so. I'm talking about eating 1000+ calories in one sitting. I'm really bad at binging all the time, which caused me to get into the habit of purging. Purging is not the answer. One binge isn't going to make you gain 10 pounds. It's okay. This is what to do when you binge:

• Get away from the food. Go somewhere else so that you aren't tempted to eat more. You will just get more upset.
• Stay calm. Take deep breaths and try not to obsess over it. Don't go and count the calories up in everything you ate.
• Think about taking some medicine to make your stomach feel better. Your body isn't going to like all the junk you put into it.
• Get yourself involved in a different activity. What were you doing before you binged? If you were watching TV, then stop watching TV.
• After you've calmed down, try to think about WHY you binged. Was it because you were really emotional? Did your hunger overtake you? Try to do something else when this happens. If it's emotional, try talking to someone or writing it down. If it's hunger, try having a small snack and eat it away from other food.
• Always remember that tomorrow is a new day.

I hope this helped!

Self Confidence and Mints

     So many girls, not just ones with eating disorders, struggle with self confidence, and it sucks. When I was younger, I loved myself. I thought I was so beautiful. Then, one girl told me that thinking you are beautiful is selfish and egotistical, and I haven't felt the same way since. WHY? Why do people think it's "selfish" to have self confidence? What is so bad about liking yourself.
     I made a big step today though with self confidence. I've been trying to convince myself that I don't care what other people think about me. There's all these things I want to wear, but I'm always too afraid that people will think I'm weird or ugly. I want to be one of those girls that wears heels all the time. I think heels are so feminine, yet they give you a certain power. I'm always too afraid what people will think. I always feel like I can't pull them off. Well today I decided fuck what people think, I'm wearing heels. I bought a cute pair of wedge sandal in March and I've only worn them twice, for Easter and a graduation party. Today I wore them. Not to a special occasion, but because I wanted to. I wore them to the bank AND to Target. I did have some anxiety about it, but not too bad. I just kept telling myself "I don't care" and it worked! I'm really proud of myself that I was confident enough to do that.
     While I was at Target, I picked up some mints. I was originally there buying a scale, which I got, but I saw some Altoids and thought they would be good to help me quit smoking. Well guess what? There's only 1/2 a calories in each mint! They're the Altoid smalls and they give you just enough to make your mouth pepperminty without being too much. Plus apparently peppermint supresses appetite, so that's nice. Whenever I get super hungry, I'll just pop a mint! It's great.

     I'm trying to fast for the rest of the day. My parents won't be home until late, so I can skip meals. Just need to keep busy for the rest of the day! Working on a new blog layout (;
 

All About You-Know-Who [trigger warning - rape]

     So, I know I haven't posted much about my personal life, because in all honesty, my personal life is pathetic. However, in yesterday's post I mentioned that there was once a guy in my life who was pretty bad/ But I wrote that while I was on a  bunch of Ativan so I'm just going to write out the whole story.
     My parents have these friends that they used to hang out with and party with all the time untl they got old and has kids. my parents had me and they're friends had "John". John would always pick on me when I was little. Of course I had been taught that when boys are mean to you, that means they like you. So developed a huge crush on him. He was 2 1/2 years older than me, and I thought that was great. I thought he was going to be my prince charming. 
     After obsessing over him for years and years and years, he got into a really bad accident and also died. I was 14 and he was 17. I decided I needed to tell him how I felt before time was up. He recovered [mostly] from the accident and we started dating. I thought that this was my fairy tale. It seemed like all my dreams had come true.
     As soon as we started dating he told me I couldn't talk to any guys unless it was for school. At the time, my two best friends were guys, but buh-bye to them. Because I was in love so that's all that matters.
     Then he started telling me how to dress. I like to wear skinny jeans, but he demanded that I wore flare jeans and low cut tops. He wouldn't go out with me unless I had make-up on. But I listened to him because he was "the one."
     I lost my virginity to him, two weeks before I turned 15. I told him I wanted to wait until I was 16, but he kept saying that he couldn't wait and he would leave me if I didn't have sex with him. it wasn't great sex. He just went til he was done and didn't care about what I wanted. But I thought that's how sex was supposed to be
     Then he started talking to my new best friends, "Jen". She acted really slutty, but she was a virgin. The three of us would have out, but then I found out he was hanging out with her alone. She showed me messages between them on AIM where he would say "Hey sexy (;" I even found one of her shirts in his closest. He denied all the accusations I made, saying Jen was a liar, so I stayed with him and lost another friend.
     The name calling came next. We would fight every night, usually over something that he wanted to control, like what he didn't want me listening to certain bands and reading certian books or watching certain TV shows. He called me a bitch, a slut, a whore, a cunt. He told me I was fat and I needed to lsoe weight. He told me that if I ever got over 120lbs he would break up with me. I cried every night.
     John thought that pain was funny. He'd hit me, not hard enough to leave a bruise, and then laugh, because hitting your girlfriend is funny, right? One time he choked me in between his hands, just to see what would happen.
     I had a pregnancy scare when I was 16 and he was 18. I missed my period, and later realized it was because I had stopped eating. John told me that he wouldn't let me get an abortion, like I had wanted. He said we would keep the baby and raise it ourselves. He took me out to a lame restraunt at the mall and porposed to me. When I said no, I didn't want to, I was too young, he started causing a scene. He yelled "You're a dumb fucking cunt! I hope the baby dies! You disgust me!"
     I me made up and I apologized for upsetting him. I told him that I didn't think that we should have sex for a while. I said I was too young. I didn't want to get pregnant. He said no. He said we would continue to have sex.
     {TW}A couple days from then, we were at my house, my parents were outside. We started making out on my couch. He tried to take my clothes off. I said no. I tried again, but didn't listen when I said no. He turned my away from him and grabbed my hands. He proceeded to rape me. I cried and told him to stop over and over again, but he didn't until he was satisfied. I ran to to bathroom after and cried. I was bleeding and it hurt. When I came home he said "are you happy?". I shook my head no and he laughed. I'll never forget was he said next. "As your boyfriend, it's my RIGHT to have sex with you."
     After this I had to go to the doctors because I was peeing blood anf the doctor said it was caused by "some unknown vaginal trauma." I told John and he tought this was great.
     We stayed together for another week, because it was my dad's birthday and his family was coming over. After that I broke up with him, and that the the strongest thing that I've ever done. I still see him from time to time and it kills me. He's almost 22 now and he's having a baby with a girl my age. I hate him and I hate what he's done to me. I can't remember a lot of oour relationship, but I surpress memories. But then I get punched in the face with a flashback.

I'm high and life sucks

     So, I got home from work today and I was all excited to make a yumy dinner and do my chores. But when I pulled in the driveway, there was a big white van there. It look familiar. I walked inside and look out the widow to the backyard. And he was there. The guy who raped me. 

     Instant panic attack. My heart was pounding so hard. I felt that there was no way out. My life was over. 

     I called my boyfriend and he told me that I just needed to get out of there. My friends were going on a sunset cruise so they picked me up and brought me to Plymouth where me and this other girl just walked around and talked. I took 4 Ativan and bought a pack of cigarettes. I'm still pretty fucked up. I can barely type.

     I'm so depressed. I don't even know what to do. Why can't I get him out of my life? He doesn't even understand what he's done to me. It drives me nuts. I can't even think about this anymore. I want to go home and cry. I wish my parents were here. I wish that I was in my dorm where he can't find me. I'm a mess. Help me. 

EMDR

     So for the past couple months I've been going through EMDR. If you don't know, EMDR stands for eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. It's mainly used for people with PTSD and other people who have been through traumatic experiences. What basically happens is you watch these lights go back and forth while either holding pulsars in your hands or wearing headphones that beep. While you do this you have to think about stuff that happened in your life and blah blah blah all that therapy crap. The machine that my therapist has looks like this :

 

     It's a really weird thing. Some days I feel that it works, and some days I think that it does absolutely nothing. When you're watching the lights, it sometimes feels like you're lucid dreaming. Other times I get bored and tend to just watch the clock. We haven't tackled the actual serious trauma that I went through, which I'll talk about at a later date, and we won't have time to. I'm going to stop the EMDR when I go back to school and do CBT [cognitive behavioral therapy] instead.
     Has anyone ever done EMDR therapy? If you have, what have your experiences been like? I'd love to know!

Parents Are a Pain

     Parents, and just family in general, can be a pain when it comes to losing weight and eating. Parents always push you to eat, even when you don't want. It can be really difficult to deal with. Hopefully this is my last year at home. I'm hoping to get an apartment for next August. I still have to deal with my parents for now though. I'm going to share ways that I used to deal with them being around when I was younger and the ways that I deal with my parents now.
Younger:

• Don't eat lunch at school. I would use my lunch money to buy cigarettes.
• Make a dirty dish and leave it in the sink.
• Take food to my room and throw it away
• Don't eat breakfast
• Sleep through dinner

Now:

• Leave before dinner and say I'm getting food with my friends / I'll eat later. The drive around or go shopping until you know dinner is over.
• Insist on making my own food 
• Not eating at work
• I'm a vegetarian so my parents can't make me eat the meat they cook 

     It's so much easier to skip dinner now that I have a car. I can just leave and say I'm going out with friends. I miss being a school, living in my dorm, because there I can eat [or not eat] whatever I want!


,br>

7/23 Intake

Breakfast:

Diet Coke - 0

Lunch:

Nothing - 0

Dinner:

Flour Tortilla - 150

Taco Cheese - 50

Salsa - 15

Onion - 8

Mushroom - 10

Baby Spinach -2

Total: 235

Exercise: 642

Net: -407

     So I broke my fast at 8PM tonight. I know, it's not the best, but at least I did some fasting. I was feeling dizzy so I made a weird veggie burrito and it was delicious. I was going to eat these microwave noodles, but they were gross. The best part about today is If every day were like today you'd weigh 97.9 lbs in five weeks. So happy about that.Obviously I can't eat this little every day, but it's a start. I think I'm going to do that same thing tomorrow. Let's aim for 24 hours instead of 22 this time?

Binge. Purge. Fast.

     So I ended up binging and purging last night. I'm so mad at myself. I've been trying to stop purging, but it's just so addictive. Nothing good ever comes out of it either. I only lost 0.8lb. Since I didn't lose what I wanted I decided that I'm going to fast today. I'm either going to fast until 6:30AM tomorrow or until 12PM tomorrow. It all depends on how I feel.
     My mistake yesterday was listening to my boyfriend. He was saying "You're not fat. It's okay to have a snack before bed." No, fuck you. I am fat and it turned into a huge binge. My stomach was so upset this morning. Today I'm going to go home and do my chores and then go out shopping. I'll try on clothes that are too small for me. That will make me want to be skinnier, but also I'll be away from food. I might buy a scale too. I need one for school and that's only a month away.
     So far I've been fasting 15 hours. Not a lot, but any amount is good. By the end I'm hoping to be at 32.5 to 38 hours. I might do another fast later this week, but I'm not sure yet. I'll keep you posted!

7/22 Intake

Breakfast:

Diet Coke - 0

Lunch:

Bay Spinach - 9

Cottage Cheese - 40

Apple Sauce - 50

Baby Carrots - 35

Cucumber - 8

Dinner:

Asian Spicy Kung Pao Noodle - 220

Snacks:

Diet Coke - 0

Cookie - 137

Total: 499

Exercise: 539

Net: -40

     I know I said I wasn't going to eat dinner, but I felt a binge coming on so I had a microwave meal. I also at a cookie at work because one of the guys gave it to me and wouldn't leave until I ate it. Ugh. But I'm under 500 so that makes me happy.

That Time

     Of course the week that my family is away and I can eat whatever I please, I'm scheduled to get my period. I'm so pissed. Whenever I get my period I make the mistake of weighing myself. My weight always spikes because of bloating and such. PLUS I get cravings for everything and it's just so unpleasant.
     This all depends on if I even get my period. Because of my frequent weight changes, I never know if I'm going to get my period or not. If I've been restricting a lot, then I probably won't get it. Some people might think that this is awesome. Sign that you're getting skinny plus not period, awesome, right? No. First I always freak out that I'm pregnant and I have to go out buy/steal some pregnancy tests. Even if they come out negative I still get paranoid about it. Also, I get really scared that I could become infertile, as this occurs very frequently in women with eating disorders. Then if I do get my period, I feel fat and eat a ton of cookies and get really emotional. It overall just sucks.

Keeping Distracted

     Since I'm going to be eating a lot less than normal this week, I need to find ways to distract myself. Distractions make it a lot easier for me to skip meals. I always make a list of things that I can do instead of eating. For example, this is what I'm going to do today.

• Go to therapy right after work.
• After therapy go to the food store to get things for tomorrow's soup
• Unload dishwasher
• Put away all clean clothes
• Pick up dirty clothes
• Take a shower
• Work on blog
• Watch netflix
• Go to bed early

     When I'm doing extreme restricting, I make sure to stay away from things that might trigger me to binge. I don't watch TV [only netflix in bed] because it's too close to the kitchen. I don't go out with friends because they always want to get food. Also, I don't exercise too much. Lots of exercise is dangerous when extreme restricting or fasting. Your body doesn't have enough fuel and you could faint or have a heart attack. I stick to walking.
     I also make sure to stay hydrated. I drink water all day long. It keeps me feeling full and alert. I also drink diet soda with caffeine in it. I make sure to get a lot of sleep so that I have enough energy to make it through the day. This means going to bed at 9:30PM and waking up at 6:30AM. Sometimes I will chew gum or smoke to keep my mouth busy.
     Other things that distract me are:

• Shopping or just walking around stores
• Painting my nails
• Playing video games

     It's important to have a plan to keep you from binging. Always remember that if you feel faint or just uwell, stop restricting/fasting and seek medical help. Listen to your body and be safe.

This Weeks Plan

     So my parents are on vacation this week, so I can basically eat [or not eat] whatever I want. It's going to be exciting and challenging. I have a hard time keeping in control, but hopefully with my mom not bugging me I will be able to stay calm and lose some weight! So I'm just going to type out a rough outline of this weeks plan:
Monday: No Breakfast. I'll have a big lunch of probably half a sandwich, some salad, cottage cheese, and apple sauce. No dinner. I can have a cereal bar before therapy if I really have one. I'll keep from eating dinner by cleaning and then going to bed early.
Tuesday: Normal Breakfast to make up for not eating dinner. A small lunch of probably just a salad and some apple sauce. Dinner will be homemade low-cal soup. I might take a long walk after work to burn calories.
Wednesday: No breakfast. I might make tea to keep me full. Lunch of a salad, apple sauce, and cottage cheese. Dinner will be light. Probably roasted tomatoes and mushrooms.
Thursday: Cereal bar breakfast. Light lunch of salad and apple sauce. Dinner will be soup and I might have a small snack while watching project runway!
Friday: I'm not sure what time my parents will be coming home, but I won't eat breakfast.
     I'm hoping to get down to 116 lbs by next Monday but who knows. I'm just trying to stick with this diet plan and not binge. I'm scared that I will binge on Thursday, because that's the day that I watch TV and it's right next to the kitchen so it's really easy to just sit there and eat 3000 calories worth of chips and cookies and ice cream. Wish me luck!

Weekend with my Boyfriend

     I over ate. I knew that I would. He makes me eat more than I should. I've gained a little bit, but now that my boyfriend is gone I can just not eat today to lose that little bit. I'm not going to post what I ate, because its repulsive. But it did include ice cream, tacos, and wine. 

     However, I did buy a dress this weekend. It's a body con dress, so I'm a little afraid to wear it out just yet, but a couple more pounds and it'll be perfect. So happy about that!

Lost More Weight

     I weighed in this morning at 118.6! I'm really happy. I want to get to 118.0 by Monday, but since my boyfriend is staying over, that might be difficult. We're going to Taco Bell later so I'm not eating until then if I can help it. He won't be here until 2 and he's eating before he comes. I thought about making an egg for breakfast, but then I decided that wouldn't be a good idea. I want to eat as little as possible before I see him and he tries to fatten me up.
     Also, since I lost weight [and its 100 degrees out] I decided to wear a skirt. I'm usually way to scared to wear skirts because I think my legs are fat, but I managed to do it and I even went to the bank with it on! I'm so proud of myself!
     I don't know what boyfriend plans on eating the rest of the weekend, and I'm scared. I'll try to keep you updated! I got the blogger app for my phone so I can just update from there! Yay!